How do i find meaning and purpose?

[Tiedinknots]

Hi. Gor the last 15 years i have been on a mission. A one way mission to survive to get my child to adulthood and thenni was meant to end myself. But i found that there were people in my life that care about me and i care about fornthe first time in my life and i couldn't end my life. I wanted to live again. I have started to do physical excercise to restore some physical strength and get the endorphins going, i have reengaged with my guitar and camera, but i am missing a purpose at 57. After all those years holding on and battling the pain inside to survive, i need a new thing to give me focus. But how and where do i start. I am married but my wife does not want me trying new things or meeting people. Even events with work colleagues are frowned on. She is worried about losing me and is trying to put me back in my place. But that place was my old mission where i gave up on myself to hold it all together for everyone else. I can't go back to that but i can't move forward. Where do i start? 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

All couples are different but I cant accept your wifes attitude to you spreading your wings a little for personal happiness is the right course. She should feel your needs and fill them, thats what love and care is all about of course within the normal boundaries and her fears are hers, not yours. Perhaps its more appropriate she seek some help on that or both go to couples counselling?

Your long term plan of "ending it" is a sure sign of a depressed state of mind that requires medical intervention. Your plans are unlike those I had but still I got help and subsequent treatment and meds which turned my life around. 

A new focus, unfortunately a "passion" is something people are born with, it comes natural like sport, astronomy, car racing etc. If you have to search for a passion then you havent got one. A hobby or a collection of interests is another thing altogether and your life can be inspirational if you seek out many interests that give you variety. Eg I have tinkering, this forum, caravanning, walking our mini foxies, gardening and so on.

Mens shed is a good thing for many men.

So I think your wife needs to change her views and it could result in you simply trying these things and when doing so leave her upset each time you leave the home, so be it, her insecurities are a problem she has, not you so she might find out when you get home that you did this or that, photographed a swan or a beach and see how happy you are. Then invite her along next time with picnic lunch.

And see your GP about your mental health. You can get 10 free visits to someone that will improve your life.

TonyWK

[Tiedinknots]

Thanks for the advice. Will see how i go with things.