I'm probly gonna be posting in the lgbtqi sub-thingie at some point soon, but... it seemed like a good idea to say hi here and collect feelings.
since this is an introducty place, um, I guess some background might be interesting?
First, I have inattentive type ADHD, medicated on and off since youth. it has an effect on moods and emotions, swingy. second, on the inside, I am female. it took a long time to get as far as admitting this to myself... it'll take longer to find the words and confidence to open up to family.
I still have doubts and fears, but recently opened up to my ADHD psych about those feelings. First time I've ever said them out loud, in person. I sobbed a bit.
The future is unclear. I'm scared of many things. Of being wrong. Of the dangers present in transitioning. And of what might be impossible to change.
I started finding stuff that resonated, explained the badfeels, a few years ago. I listened, comforted, tried to be there for a close and wonderfully kind friend online, who was mid-transition.
... for a lot of friends, actually, for various reasons. just... have that desperate need to make everything feel better, to be the quiet, unjudging shoulder and ear everyone else needed. I think I might have neglected my own feelings.
I first came out to friends online about genderfeels, uncertainly... more than one said they had suspected for a while (in a nice way). That was... it was lovely, like a hug filling the void I'd become used to ignoring inside, the source of horrible feelings that made me avoid mirrors and my own voice (which I hate more than any other feature of my sex. Yes, even that one. I can escape some things for a while with enough imagination, but the voice is such a constant and jarring reminder -_-).
I have been playing Dungeons & Dragons with some of those friends. Had to mute my mic the first time they casually started referring to my adopted gender, my adopted name, just... normally, casually. Like nothing had changed. If gender euphoria is a thing, that was the day it made me cry from happiness.
not all feels are good feelings, though. lately, the mood swings have been lingering on the downside. Other stuff has added to stress, including helpless lack of words to tell mum. And opening up to my GP I've seen since high school, who was... surprised when I asked about hormone tests and endocrinology. And TAFE, and drivers Ed.
...Ok, I'm cutting the life story short before I run out of space ❤️
~Jean
