Hi there! Just a guy who struggles with performing and needing validation

[RainbowSunshine]

Hey guys! I'm really new here and just wanted to say hello! Everyone seems so lovely and I'm really happy to be here and connect with everyone! I have anxiety, mild intrusive thoughts and I also have quite a problem with wanting validation from other people. I tend to get anxiety everyday and it can be about almost anything; it could be me catastrophizing that I'm gonna lose my hearing because my music's playing too loud (even though the volume is nowhere near dangerous), worrying that I'm gonna get skin cancer because I forgot to put on sunscreen that morning, worrying about whether I truly enjoyed the activities I participated in throughout the day etc. Sometimes the anxiety can result in mild tingling in my feet and body in general and it can make my heart race mildly. I mostly just try to ignore that anxiety and not let it have any power over me, but I find that when I try to talk back to it I just make it worse but I've given it the attention that it craves.

I've had some problems in the past with intrusive thoughts of a mostly sexual nature, but thankfully I've suppressed them so far and I've had minor flare-ups but that's it so I'm happy about that! I'm mainly struggling with this validation problem. Since I've been young I've been into musical theatre and I think this is where it all started. I think I taught myself (through my love of performing) that performing and 'acting' will help me with making friends and getting validation from people. And now, a few years later, I feel like most of the things I do and say are motivated by the thought that I might be validated by someone else. I often laugh even when a joke's not funny or when I normally wouldn't because I've been told many times throughout my life that my laugh's great, and therefore I do it almost subconsciously to make people happy. I've also retained my love of performing, but sometimes instead of performing for my own enjoyment, I become sucked in by the thought of an audience and receiving validation from them, making me feel empty because I'm not doing it for myself anymore. When it gets too much, I often cope through binge eating and eating large amounts of junk food, which I'm slowly trying to curb because it's simply unhealthy and unproductive. I've made a habit of journalling which has been really effective for me, and I'm planning to start thought tracking. Was just wondering who else has experienced this and if anyone has any advice or coping methods that they've used? 🙂

[stormcloudz]

Hi Rainbow Sunshine

Just wanted to say hello and welcome. Thanks for sharing your story here, I hope you stick around.

Many of the things you are talking about are common in your 20s - are you around that age? It's a period of trying to figure out who you are. But it also sounds like there are some things that bother you.

I haven't tried journalling, so can't comment on that. But you might be interested in meditation, because the idea is to quieten down and listen to your mind, which means you get to know it better. There's lots of free meditation on the Internet, and some good cheap or free apps. Would that interest you? Even if you have intrusive thoughts, the idea is to acknowledge them then let them go.

[RainbowSunshine]

Hey Stormcloudz!

Nice to meet you! I've meditated in the past but haven't been doing it that much lately, I should pick it back up! I found that it helped me best in the morning because it gave me a clearer mindset for the day. I'm actually nearly 18, but yeah you'd be right in saying I'm trying to figure out who I am aha. I guess it's hard feeling that I'm so dependent on other people in order to mould or shape my own identity, but I'm also doing some thought tracking in order to figure out the attitudes and beliefs which make me depend on validation, which will hopefully make things a bit clearer.

[stormcloudz]

Hi Rainbow Sunshine

The thought tracking sounds like a really smart idea. And maybe the meditation would help with that. I go through phases of doing meditation and then dropping it for a while too.

You might find that a lot of people around you are actually doing things in order to get validation : ) But I agree, it's great to work on that and decide what you truly enjoy and what truly motivates you. I spent a long time doing a particular job for the validation!

[RainbowSunshine]

It's interesting how we forget that other people are experiencing similar problems to us isn't it? I almost completely forgot that a lot of the people around me seek validation in some form, my problems aren't particularly unique, it's quite a normal thing to experience. It's good that I've reminded myself of that aha, it'll really help in the future. I guess this same thing applies to a lot of other behaviours; like sometimes we feel like we're the only ones who make mistakes, but in actuality there are millions of people around the world making mistakes too just like you.

[stormcloudz]

That's so true!

Do you have any support for the anxiety etc? If so is it helpful?

[RainbowSunshine]

I do go see a therapist at headspace like twice a month! He's talked to me about some techniques like progressive muscle relaxation (which is quite helpful for my anxiety), and some of the imagery he's given me really works in bringing my anxiety to its core; it's literally just a fight or flight response. So yeah, that's been incredibly helpful! I've also done a bunch of my own research into anxiety over the past few years which has helped tremendously!

[stormcloudz]

Oh, that's brilliant. No wonder you have some good strategies in place, you've been working on this for a while. It's really good to know that headspace is useful, other people will find that helpful too.

What is the imagery that helps settle the anxiety? How does that work? (I'm interested in all tips!).

Also, how are you going with the validation issue?

[RainbowSunshine]

Hey Stormcloudz! I haven't been able to reply because my computer was being repaired for some touchpad issues, but I'm back 🙂

This imagery that I'm talking about doesn't exactly settle the anxiety, but it definitely helped me figure out what the hell it was! My therapist told me to imagine that I was in a building and the fire alarm went off, which means that everyone has to evacuate the building and get out. The emergency services then come around and check the building, only to come out again and tell everyone that it was a false alarm. That's pretty much a perfect description of the anxiety that I have. It's a bit like a fire alarm ringing throughout the day and you just have to ignore it most of the time because it's most likely a false alarm. That imagery helped me so much in clearing up what the core response was; just a flight response.

Also, I've been going very well on the validation issue! Essentially I've had a breakthrough this past week in discovering my identity. I've pretty much discovered that I've been forcing myself to be more extroverted while neglecting the bigger part of me that is quite introverted and needs time alone to recharge and reflect. Therefore, because I've forced this extroversion, I've become a master of small talk and socializing in general, becoming the 'life of the party', when in actuality I've been craving more meaningful, deeper conversations about life in general. It honestly made me cry when I realized it. I've scheduled much more alone time for myself to process my thoughts and reflect on life, and I've started to embrace my tendencies to search for meaningful topics of conversation, and I've found that my need for validation has shrunk so much. I only need myself for validation 🙂

Hope you're doing well stormcloudz!

[Squirrellesque]

Yay! I hope things continue to work a little better for you. I'd also like to thank you because I struggle with similar-ish things and this has given me another tool to cope. So thank you. 🙂