hi there from victoria

phil1967 · ‎11-02-2017

hi all ,I would like to introduce myself and tell you a little bit about what is going on with me . I've recently turned 50 and have suffered on and of with depression and anxiety for the last 20 years ,but the last 5 have been the hardest for me , it all started with a bad long term relationship ending ,and I know that it may sound like a good thing but it was a gateway to something much worse ,the next relationship. in 2011 I was diagnosed with kidney cancer and just a couple of days after surgery my then girlfriend left me and was 6 months pregnant , I found it hard but I managed to pull through quite good considering ,was doing good for another 12 months and just happy to be alive when my father passed away ,then it was like I just stopped and everything caught up in 1 go and I was floored ,my anxiety was back with a vengeance and was in full swing , I had never in my life been so scared ,I struggled with everything I did ,I had bad health anxiety thinking every time I didn't feel right that the cancer had come back ,I was an emotional wreck and still am ,I get every symptom under the sun and also suffer with gerd ,I lost so much muscle from the cancer that every time I look at myself iam a living reminder of what has happened to me ,I suffer social anxiety and depression ,I live a sedentary lifestyle now and don't have a passion for anything anymore and I feel as if iam sitting here waiting for something yet I don't know what that is , the slightest noise scare me and I carnt sleep at night without jumping or gasping as I fall to sleep ,I feel like I want to burst into tears when watching something happy or sad on the tv and I don't know why ,the doctors don't want to touch me and all they want is to shove medication down my neck ,its like they don't want to help ,I have good times still that sometimes last a week or 2 but slowly fall away so this is my last option as I don't want to medicate cause drugs don't agree with me I have a hard enough time with my gerd medication as is seems to exaggerate my anxiety and have to drop of them for a week to get back to some sort of balance again and then my gerd kicks in again and the cycle repeats , iam hoping that I can find some common ground with others on here and find out what has helped them ,I know iam stronger then this and have proved it to myself before ,I have to do this without meds but I just carnt find a jumping off point to start and iam hoping this is it ,thanks for listening 🙂

geoff · ‎11-02-2017

hi Phil, I also live in Victoria, but deeply concerned by what has been happening with you.
Firstly I can't tell you how sorry I feel for you and with this type of cancer, plus the prospects of being a dad with your g/friend moving away is not what you want, but it doesn't stop there because now you have lost your father, which all amounts to being in an awful and sad situation.
Although I'm not qualified to say, however from what you are saying it could mean that with your anxiety, depression is with you again, because the two of these go hand in hand, and are never far apart.
When you have these two then there isn't any inspiration to do anything, unfortunately that's the power of depression it controls you, and always will until you are able to overcome it, and when this may happen the depression will be hiding away somewhere ready to pounce once again.
There is medication pill form as well as liquid to treat GERD which I need to take everyday, plus I take a ton of other medication, but it's good to wait until this medication has time to settle down, unless you are experiencing major problems, and with your problems then only you can say, but perhaps let the GERD medication settle down before you start on another medication, because your stomach is very sensative.
The worry everytime you eat is going to contribute towards your GERD, but can I say that once you were strong enough to cope with all of this, but our body does change, and what we could do a long time ago is impossible now as we are older.
Old age is a curse, just as depression is. Geoff.

Starwolf · ‎11-02-2017

Good to meet you Phil, though I wish it was in better circumstances.

Thank you for trusting us with your story. With all the negative influx, it is no surprise that you are feeling low and insecure about the future.

What I can't understand is that doctors want to medicate you though medication doesn't agree with you. Sometimes it takes a few attempts before finding the type of med that would suit you best and the right dosage. Is it a matter of not having found the best treatment yet ?

I once suffered from PTSD, Depression, Anxiety and dissociation. I was lucky enough to go it med free but I know we're all different so require a different approach to recovery. The mind can be consciously reconfigured but I won't lie to you...it needs hard, persistent work. One tiny step at a time is the way to go.

For example, if your appearance brings you down, why not start a gradual exercise program to regain some muscle mass ? It could contribute to making you feel better and giving you a sense of achievement.

Mindfulness is a great antidote for anxiety. There again, we are never told that the mind can be trained and controlled. It is used to running away unchecked so finds being reined in unacceptable. But it is no different from building up a seldom/never used muscle. I suggest you research mindfulness, relaxed breathing, relaxed body scan. Smiling Mind is an helpful app.

Daily practice when all is well makes it easier to slip into relaxed mode when things become difficult. You can give yourself cues to practice, maybe while waiting in traffic or in any queue, having a shower or a bath, doing domestic chores etc...

No use waiting for motivation to kick in, the chances are it won't. Doing whatever needs be done without hesitation or time to give it a thought will work out better. That first step is often the most difficult...because of all the agonizing that usually comes before it !

You have achieved a lot in the past...inner strength and resilience are still there, trapped under the emotional rubble.

I hope navigating the forums will bring you some measure of solace and support. You'll be cheered on every step of the way.

phil1967 · ‎11-02-2017

thanks guys for the warm welcome ,PDST ,anxiety and depression are the mother of all bitches ,today it seems to be in full swing and that's what has brought me here ,my biggest worrie is health ,as any 1 with gerd will tell you it likes to mimic things like the gut feeling you get when something is wrong and in turn sets me of on a rollercoaster of anxiety ,my fears of cancer retuning are very real for me even though the cancer was a very low grade and fully encapsulated and completely removed ,I used to be the strong guy ,the guy that was allways the fittest ,Iooked after myself and worked hard ,but now I feel like I carnt do anything anymore ,I feel fragile and weak and scared al the time ,trying to find the guy I once was seems impossible now ,ive lost trust in people from being let down so many times ,I don't really have friends and the 1's I do have don't want to listen to me ad my problems ,I have tried exercise and felt great but theres always that little voice in your head that seems to discourage you and you stop ,I almost gave in and took meds but after 2 days of looking at the box and realising that I could be taking these for life ,I said to myself to get a grip and snap out of it and like magic my symptoms left and I was good for a couple of months ,but it seams every time I get sic it comes back even worse ,with all this and social anxiety it is making life really hard ,I should have everything to be happy about yet it wont let me , I see people laughing and having a great time all around me and just want what they have ,what I used to have but iam lost and don't know what to do any more and its not from a lack of trying believe me cause I do ,its just this monster wont let me relax and find my way , I tried a shrink and he was useless ,al he wanted to do was treat the symptoms and not the problem ,feeling lost in a void and carnt see the light at the end of the tunnel

Starwolf · ‎13-02-2017

Thank you for replying. Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, there are bushfires around my area and I was ordered to evacuate yesterday...just in case.

I'm with you, those little voices in the head can be obnoxious intruders. I know resistance doesn't come easy but sometimes, they just must be told to be quiet or get lost. First about minor disagreements, things that are not so difficult to get into once we get a start. Later with more challenging stuff. With time and persistence, negative thoughts can be trained to calm down and let us be.

It is normal to grieve for the loss of what was but no longer is. Feeling limited, somewhat diminished is hard to accept. Unfortunately, there is no going forward without acceptance of our present reality. Without forgiving ourselves for suffering from battle fatigue when Life has delivered severe blows. You have been shoved through the grinder. It takes its toll on inner resources. Trust is hard to regain once it has been betrayed.

We are all fragile and weak. But most of us don't realize how true it is until our nose is rubbed in the fact.

In spite of doing it tougher than most, you are still here, still finding the courage to reach out and share your thoughts and concerns. It is a step forward on the right track...you deserve to be kind to yourself.

Working with a therapist involves team work. It can't happen if there is no affinity and no trust. It often takes several attempts to find that special person. Therapists are service providers. Nothing wrong with ditching an unhelpful one and search for one who's right for us.

Of course you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel because sharp curves and steep inclines hide it from view. It doesn't mean it isn't there.

phil1967 · ‎13-02-2017

thanks starwolf ,all wise words and very true .

I think a lot of it come from guilt as well ,ive always been the 1 that has looked after every 1 else and still do ,iam a full time carer for my daughter who has an intellectual disability and for some reason I seem to neglect myself cause it doesn't feel right concentrating on myself and my needs without putting her first , I always say to myself that I will do it later and never do .

when I was first diagnosed with cancer it scared me but not a much as you would think it should ,I was more worried about my daughter then myself and what she would do without me ,so I tend to shrug my needs of and not do the things I should for myself ,I don't like the doctors cause iam scared of bad news now and like they ignorance I bliss lol but I also know if I don't look after me then I wont be here for her ,in saying that and being offered with them 2 choices my mind seems to cancel it all out ,sounds silly I know but its what happens .

good news is ive decided to start training again from today ,ive dusted of all my gym gear and iam putting together a training plan ,I can say iam a tad excited at the moment and I hope I can keep motivated , the thing that killed my motivation for fitness in the first place was the doctors saying to me after the cancer that I have to start looking after myself now ,when I had been all my life already ,it felt like everything I had done in the past had been wrong ,I am 5foot 8 was 83kg and only 9% fat ,I ate right and got lots of exercise ,never got sick ,not even a cold yet I was told I have to start looking after myself better ,so now iam over cautious of everything and tend to not do a thing just in case its wrong and that is why iam full of doubt and always second guessing myself to the point of doing nothing .

another problem I have is I tend to hold emotion in ,my father was a real hard ass ,a mans man ,a hard drink hard fightin hard ass ,emotions were for the weak ,if I cried as a kid I would cop a belt across my ass so I had adopted the same attitude over the years but not to his extreme and so now its all pent up with no where to go .

I do find talking on here with a willing ear a big help ,it good to have a voice for once and iam already feeling the positive effect of it ,I know its not going to fix me over night but iam sure its a step in the right direction ,thank you

blondguy · ‎13-02-2017

Hi Phil

Im Paul and from Vic too. You have been to hell and back with your health. I know nothing about cancer and cant even fathom what you are going through with such an accursed illness.

Geoff and Starwolf not only have great wisdom but life experience too which reflects in their posts above.

If I can humbly welcome you to the Beyond Blue family and give you my thanks for posting too

My heart goes out to you with the awful feelings of depression and anxiety. I used to have acute anxiety which has morphed into depression now. Currently on AD's to manage the depression and anti-anxiety meds for over 21 yrs

Geoff mentioned the liquid medication that is available just so you can have a foundation on which you can build your recovery on....or even some peace of mind 🙂

I hear you loud and clear about your dad Phil. Mine was a very strict no nonsense old school guy too. He passed just over 2 months ago. Even though he was a hard ass....its a huge loss

You mentioned: "the slightest noise scare me and I cant sleep at night without jumping
or gasping as I fall to sleep ,I feel like I want to burst into tears
when watching something happy or sad on the tv and I don't know why"

I hope you dont mind me quoting you Phil. I went that crappy phase in the late '80's .....I do understand how you feel.I used to cry at the drop of a hat....even with a daggy love story DVD...or a sad news story....I didnt know at the time but I was oversensitised.

I hope you can stick around

my kindest thoughts for you Phil

Paul

Starwolf · ‎15-02-2017

Thank you for sharing more insight into your situation.

Kudos to you for dusting your gym gear. It is good to know a tinge of excitement has returned. Music to my cyber ears !

I understand what you mean by leaving your own needs on the back burner. I too was sole carer for a daughter with acquired brain injury. I have had to learn that focusing on someone else's needs doesn't cancel our own ! If left unattended too long, burn out can easily set in. Those personal needs are a fact, part of how we humans are configured so guilt shouldn't come into it. It is something each and everyone of us must take into account...or pay the price for neglecting it.

Eating right and keeping active is what we are repeatedly advised to do. Obviously, it worked for you in the past and will continue to do so (as long as it is done in moderation). Easing back into exercising gradually should keep you safe and strain at bay. There is enough stress in your life already without creating more. Perhaps it is time to allow yourself the TLC you so much deserve. As carer for a disabled child, please don't underestimate the terrific job you are doing. It can easily drain inner resources. Be kind to yourself.

Re loosening emotions, there is an interesting, recent thread called "Crying, a gauge to our mental strength ?". It is to be found in the Depression section of the forums.

I am glad that you are finding some measure of solace by posting, connecting via the forums. They exist to give silent suffering a voice, unload some of the overload weighing us down. You are right, it is not going to fix anything overnight but many have found here an incentive to work hard at recovery and also support along the rocky road.

It is good to have you on board.