Dear Kay
Hello and welcome to the forum. As Fairywings has said, we are here to give you lots of support and information from our own experiences.
Oh how your words resonate with me. Lack of motivation/acceptance, drag up the past, look for someone to blame. Did you read my mind before posting? Well the good news is that you can tame this Black Dog and bring it to heel. Are your ADs working for you? Sometimes we need a bit of a tweak with meds when we find ourselves slipping. I really dislike them but recently tried a new AD which not only worked really well but had none of the very upsetting side effects I have experienced in the past.Yeeeaay!
You have made a significant start to your journey. You have admitted that you use alcohol/pokies, get angry etc. This is really the hardest step. Nothing happens until you accept these things and they are very hard. We go through the "It's not fair. Why me. I don't deserve this" and all the other feelings locked up inside us and we just want to be well again, to find the world is a joyful place. And instead we get to carry this huge load of sadness.
But you can be the person you once thought. Do you have any professional help such as going to a psychologist? Do you meet regularly with your GP? They can be a fantastic help to you. Look around for people who can support you, especially when you have bad days. I know how difficult it can be to tell someone about your depression, and you certainly do not need to tell the world. One or two close friends or family.
Motivation is a tough one. What did you enjoy doing before the black dog? Do any of these things interest you now? There is a fine line between forcing yourself to do something and standing tall and doing it. Force will rarely work but determination is good. I hope you enjoyed your day in town. I like watching the passing parade from my seat in the coffee shop. So find a small thing to do and do it. Pat yourself on back for achieving this. Then do another small thing. Doesn't have to be on the same day, but do it soon. Exercise that determination muscle regularly because motivation doesn't arrive on its own.
Take a look at how much you enjoyed it and the feeling of achievement and plan to do this again, and again. Small steps.
Mary
