Hi. New Here. I just can't today. I just can;t stop crying over the narcissistic abuse I ave survived.

Scapegoated · ‎05-07-2021

I just can't today. I can't write without emotion. I am completely connected to the abuse that happened to me and this is a good thing, only when you write about this-I want to self-publish an ebook-they expect you to be rational and unemotional. I cannot be uneotional how can anyone who has been tortured be unemotional. I feel so much pressure to write as though nothing has happened. ON Amazon people write books and none of them are emotional. But I FEEL what happened to me. A counselor said this si good, and that people who do not become emotional are disconnected or compartmentalizing. But when I read Quora and see people who have gone through NArc abuse by a mother and elder sibling and they are totally disconnected i forget what the counselor told me-that they are either Asperger people, or disconnected. Anyway. i am crying right now as I write this because it hurts what my mother did to me. I wrote about my abuse but my post was removed. Sorry if there is no context to this post but suffice to say I have been tortured by several narcissists. scapegoated, sleep deprived, starved and gaslit.

geoff · ‎05-07-2021

Hello Scapegoated, can we offer you a warm welcome to the forums, and deeply sorry for how you have been treated, absolutely no one deserves to be punished by a narc.

It's always lovely, in a way, to know that someone is crying while they are posting because it makes them emotionally connected in how they word their comment, unfortunately, may not be so for the person but it seems to make us feel closer.

I'm sorry your post was not published, maybe you could rewrite it so it falls under the rules as there must be much you wanted to say, the trouble I've found is trying to remember the exact words as I forget.

I feel compassion for being abused by your mother, that's certainly not what you would ever expect to happen, but look forward to hearing back from you.

Take it easy and remember you have much support here.

Geoff.

therising · ‎05-07-2021

Hi Scapegoated

I wish I could be there to give you the biggest hug and encourage you to vent as much as you need to. Sounds like you need the opportunity for a massive vent. I'm glad you came here to give yourself the freedom to do just that. You deserve this, given all you've been through.

I believe, when it comes to the way people write or express their feelings, what we see or feel through their words can come down to a number of things

Time has distanced the writer from the rawness of their feelings. They've had time to analyse their feelings and make sense of them before transcribing their experiences through a balance of feeling and analysis
Some people are naturally more analytical than emotional
Some are still in the process of making sense of their feelings and perhaps haven't reached the full impact through various revelations to come
Some choose to not overwhelm the reader through their feelings

The list can go on when it comes to why people write the way they do. If you have the desire to intentionally conjure up feelings in the reader, a heartfelt book would naturally be the way to go.

If you've now just managed to suddenly get in touch with the full extent of your feelings, I imagine this is completely overwhelming. If you have the gift of sensitivity (which can feel like more of a curse at times) you're a 'feeler'. Someone who's sensitive enough to feel everything can feel when they're being degraded, when they're in the presence of a gaslighter, when they're in the presence of someone who's naturally inspiring (without a personal agenda), when they're being encouraged to find the best in themself, when a challenge is present and the list goes on. If you can feel you're in the presence of someone who's degrading, the challenge may involve determining why they're like this, whether you need to openly challenge them or whether you need to walk away and leave them alone with their degrading attitude. I've found getting a feel for what I need to do in certain situations has been a bit of a trial and error thing that can take a lot of practice on the way to perfecting. I warn you, what you choose to do can trigger people. If you challenge an arrogant person, be prepared for them to maybe label you as a 'B**ch'. You may, in this case, feel the need to smile and thank them for bringing out the b**ch in you (a super natural aspect of self often suppressed through having always played the role of 'People pleaser' 🙂

Come back anytime to vent 🙂

Scapegoated · ‎06-07-2021

Thank you, The Rising! so much. My mother does not let me use my laptop all the time so I am sorry for replying late. Thank you so much for your kind words and explanations. According to my teachers(I am a straight A student even though i cannot study in my abusive chaotic violent household) I am a deeply analytical person but also a feeler. I decided to tell the people that this is NOT going to be a detached book, they are going to feel what it is like to be tortured as a child. Good pint you made because I really DO want them to know . So why was I trying so hard to make it dry? lol! I feel inspired because i realized afte rmy post that I don't want my book to be like everyone else's i actually want people to have an authentic experience. I want to share the way I cannot share in person. So thank you for that. I came to that conclusion that night when I was writing in an introduction that "this book is not going to be emotionally detached..." I feel better because that was stopping my writing process. trying to be inauthentic. I really believe that nothing will change until they feel the red raw emotion of what I lived through. I think it will make more of an impact than simply reading a detached analysis of what happens to children. I now believe it is a gift that I am so in touch with my feelings and will be good for my writing.

Scapegoated · ‎06-07-2021

I just want to say that I hope every supporter on here-members who reply with such beautiful words, modertors, whoever developed this site, knows that I am deeply grateful for this site and posting on here even a few times has improved my life immensely. Thank you. I hope my post conveys how I feel but words are insufficient. This place is my only place for comfort and I am deeply grateful. Thank you to all of you wonderful beings!!!

Scapegoated · ‎06-07-2021

the rising,

Are you saying some people cannot actually FEEL they are being degraded? How can they not? it feels horrific to be degraded . The way I describe it is like that red raw blood you see on meat hanging in the butcher. I am scathed=it is scathing it burns you like taking a peeler to your skin. THAT Is how it FEELS it is traumatizing. Everyone can feel it except if you have Apserger's. How could you not feel it if you have the ability to feel. I hope this is not coming off as argumentative I am deeply curious about what you mean. It makes you red in the face and you feel small and insignificant when someone degrades you of course everyone can feel that-no? I know someone in my class who is Aspergers and they talk about terrible experiences in a monotone, kind of like that old movie Fargo where people say "Hi how are you nice day and "someone was just brutally stabbed and murdered" in the same weirdly pleasant and smiley tone. so I guess if you are Apserger's you cannot FEEL it...

Scapegoated · ‎06-07-2021

Thank You so much, Geoff, I don't see my reply to you so I am writing another one. I am sorry my reply is late. I am not allowed to be online much. but your beautiful reply gave me such comfort and i am deeply grateful. You are wonderful to support people on here.

Scapegoated · ‎06-07-2021

Or maybe it's a THING in Minnesota lol.

Guest9337 · ‎06-07-2021

G'day Scapegoated,

Ernest Hemingway said "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."

So please do have the courage to write emotionally, I'll read your words and so will plenty of others here... but you be careful what you write, don't give away your intellectual property : your words are valuable.

I often write posts in office software first saving it, then posting it to the forum. Saves me losing it if the post crashes or the site deletes or vanishes. Something too graphic can be too much vicarious trauma for others to feel safe reading.

I like to write emotionally too, zipping along the keyboard until it's out, then editing and thinking and maybe re-editing.

Write on!

therising · ‎07-07-2021

Hi Scapegoated

I imagine myself reading the book you're producing. I imagine myself crying part of my way through it. I imagine myself feeling heartache; you know that feeling where your chest just aches for someone and what they've been through. I imagine wanting to scream in parts, screaming for the you who wanted to scream at times but couldn't. It will be a deeply emotional book. I'm both a 'feeler' and a mum. To imagine, as a mum, my children growing up with such pain is heartbreaking. I always wanted to be a foster parent, so I could give a child the life they're entitled to but my husband has always refused to seriously consider this.

I suppose there are a lot of reasons as to why people are insensitive to feeling. You can have some who are more analytical than emotional, which can be a gift in certain careers. You can have narcissists, who are purely self serving. Self entitlement leads them to be detached from anything that doesn't serve them. You can have people who have been conditioned to become insensitive, where sensitivity is conditioned out of them in one way or another, for one reason or another. Then there are those highly sensitive people. These are the people who can't have their sensitivity conditioned out of them. They feel everything. They'll feel degradation, they'll feel the anger of others, their own fear, the need to question, oppression, their own rage and sadness and the list goes on. They'll feel every feeling that can lead them into feeling a depression.

To deeply feel the revelation 'I am far greater than all the beliefs that have led me here into this depression. I am far greater than the degradation and oppression that I've endured. I am entitled to be me, my true natural self', is a feeling that leads to the quest to find our natural self. So many questions on a quest. Through such a quest, we gain the ability to raise our self. On this quest, the greatest challenge I've found involves not believing in anything that holds the potential to bring me down. To no longer believing in cruel words, in the destructive beliefs of others and in their ways that have me believing in my false limitations, triggers the belief that my potential is limitless (within reason).

The challenge to not believe everything you hear can be enormous. The challenge to feel what inspires you and what is bringing you down can be just as great. To feel your way through life is a gift.

You have this gift 🙂