Hi I'm new

[Altamont]

Hi
I'm really not sure about writing this but anyway here goes - I get very overwhelmed when confronted with a large group of people - recently and reluctantly I went to a BBQ with my wife (it was her work colleagues) anyway I knew all day it was going to be a bad night - I texted my wife and said I don't really feel comfortable about going - she said thats fine - when I got home from work I was relaxed that I wasn't going but she said she wanted me to come to the BBQ - do it for me, so I went knowing it wasn't going to be a good idea - sure enough it was a disaster I spoke to no none, I didn't want to speak to anyone, the noise was too loud, there was no food cooked till nearly 8pm, one lady started a conversation with my wife and she tried to include me but I didn't pick up on the signs and just listened. Then I just got up and left and stood in carpark near the car until food was on - ate really quickly, then I returned and stood next to the car for the next hour while I left my wife back at the BBQ - an hour or so passed and she excused herself and we went home - next morning we had a huge argument about how I let her down, she tried to include me, but I got so overwhelmed and me leaving to go stand near the car - I told her I knew it was going to be a bad idea and I couldn't believe she put me in that situation. I've had this issue all my life and it upsets me so bad I can't think or function and I flee to get somewhere safe. I hate feeling this way and then all sorts of bad things fill my head - I did let my wife dow, embarrassed her in front of her work colleagues and I feel worthless cause I did that - then in the morning I swore at her and lost my temper cause I was in a situation that I can't function in - I took it out on her and it concerns me that I have these issues and self doubts - weird thing is I'm a teacher standing in front of 25-30 kids every day for 30 years - doesn't bother me in the slightest - I would never put a kid in a situation where they feel worthless/full of anxiety etc - my wife now says she won't bother asking me to social things now so I have really upset her - not intentionally but still hurt her all the same which then leads me to think other worthless feelings - she's embarrassed now to be seen out with me Ive put her in a awkward situation with her work colleagues - next morning I emailed her boss and said to pass on my apologies to all at BBQ - don't know what else to do?? - she suggested I contact beyond blue

[Candombera]

Hi Altamont,

Thanks for telling your story, it's a great start. I think you came to the right place on these forums.

I've been through severe depression and I used to feel something similar about going to social gatherings. Even with close friends or family, I absolutely hated to be part of any social stuff, as I was afraid of people asking how I was feeling. And if they did -which they always did- wasn't sure about what to reply. So better to stay at home and don't talk to anyone, so I didn't have to expose myself with what I was dealing with.

But at certain point I needed to ask for help. Because it's not nice feeling isolated and it's good to confront your own fears and face them, so that you can start your recovery journey.

I think it was very brave to send your apologies to your wife's boss. That's a difficult thing to do and I'm sure they understood your point.

Have you consulted a GP about what you're going through? It's a good start and then he can suggest what are the next steps.

Wish you all the best

[Ken1]

Hey Altamont,

Good on you for taking the plunge and sharing your struggles on these forums.

Why do you think you struggle being around large groups of people? Do you think it's that you're introverted or do you think it could be something more than that?

Like Candombera explained, I too have struggled with depression and loathed going out in public social settings - the more people there, the worse it was destined to be. I however had to get myself into the habit of not predetermining it's fate as doomed. I had to make myself see it's potential benefits, whether likely or not, because things probably will be bad if you decide they will be bad. Deciding they might be good opens you up to a greater chance of a good time, whether you believe yourself or not. Your mind will eventually believe what it's told.

In saying all of that, it's important to know your limits and ensure the people in your life can accept when you really don't want to do something. Maybe this is a conversation you might be able to have with your wife?

The way you talk about the aftermath of the BBQ and your thought processes makes me think it would be beneficial to see a Doc or Counsellor, because those 'catastrophic thoughts' can progress to much worse thoughts which I'm sure you're not wanting.

I also think it would be helpful to see a professional because then if you are dealing with something like depression it will help your wife know how to help you deal with things.

I assume she must care for you considering she's referred you to look at Beyond Blue.

Hope this is helpful somewhat. Look forward to potentially hearing back from you.

All the best,

Bonnie