Hi, I’m new here

[Spacefiasco]

I was going to start this message with a fluffy opener like “Hi, I’m Spacefiasco 👋 I’m grieving, have anxiety and like walks in the park”. Something noncommittal that says a bit while not saying anything at all. But I don’t think I’m going to get better without learning how to be vulnerable.


I think I might have something called “complicated grief”. Sometimes the thoughts and memories are so intense and invasive I can’t get myself out of re-experiencing things again. It makes it hard to move forward, to accept change, and to form meaningful connections with people. I’ve found it’s also a hard thing to talk about with family/friends because people don’t seem to understand persistent grief. Yes, it hurts just as much as the first day. No, that’s not something I’m choosing. No, I can’t “just move on”. No, “trying to stay positive” doesn’t help. And no, saying “but that was ages ago!” in disbelief is not the right thing to say.


I’ve always been someone that hides when I’m going through something hard anyway. I was someone who found it difficult to trust people and be vulnerable before this sh*t show, and now with all my triggers it seems unsafe to open up at all. I’m still so triggered by everything: new places, old places, most music, food, buying new things, changes in general etc etc. It happens a lot everyday, and before you know it I’m on the train to Invasive Thoughts And Memories Town. The memories are intense, persistent, invasive and feel like a punch in the gut. Even feeling better/healthy/happy can be triggering. Seriously, wtf?? That’s just… 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️


I’ve been seeing a therapist. That has been profoundly helpful. She has been away since Christmas though, and that’s how I’ve found myself here. Playing word games on this forum over the last few days has been a lifeline. It has felt safe and has stopped my brain from spiralling.


This forum seems like a really inclusive, non-judgey, safe place to connect with other people who have experienced or are experiencing some hard things. Even if that connection is as simple as playing A-Z of animals.


If you’ve read this far, I’m amazed and grateful!

[Rascally]

Spacefiasco, love your sense of humour. Your description of grief is spot on & everyone deals with it differently. I don’t believe there’s such a thing as ‘moving on’ or ‘time heals all wounds’. That’s a load of crap. Somehow we find a way of coping & living with our grief. Sometimes we don’t, no matter how much effort we put in to different strategies, it’s always there.
Be well & keep laughing

[Spacefiasco]

Thank you for your reply, Rascally. I really appreciate it! It’s honestly such a relief and so reassuring to know that my version of grief actually makes sense to someone!

It feels so reaffirming and empowering to know that I’m not the only one who thinks “moving on” is crap. I’ll stand by “moving forward”… maybe… one of these days… But I feel like putting “moving on”, “letting go” and “time heals all wounds” in a flammable box, shooting it up into the atmosphere and blowing it up with some sort of highly destructive assault weapon.

[smallwolf]

On moving forward...

I feel I understand what you say and your hesitation with this. And perhaps how we look at what it means. Whether you look for a time when it is no longer an issue or something else.

And YES those words also irritate me!

You said you are also seeing a therapist which I hope has been good for you. In the next year(s) as you continue this journey (with your therapist?) my hope is that you will be able to find ways to cope/manage so the thoughts are lesser than now. And if it helps I can chat with you here.

[mocha delight]

Hi spacefiasco first of all I want to say welcome to the forums, second I love your sense of humour and third we all experience and feel things differently not to mention all react differently. And yes no one will judge you here as it’s a safe place so feel free to share as much or as little as you like here and if you ever need to chat I’m here for you ok 🤗.

[Spacefiasco]

Smallwolf, tbh I’d not thought much about what “moving forward” means because that’s a thing that my future self will have to worry about. I guess I’ve been thinking of it as reaching that milestone when I’m 100% ok. I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% ok and I’ve been thinking of that as synonymous with being stuck. Thank you, your message has really given me something to think about.

mocha delight, thank you for your welcome. This forum has honestly been a life saver and everyone seems so friendly and open. It’s restoring something in me… it might be hope 🌈

[smallwolf]

for myself.... moving forward is simply being in a better place than where I was.

And I agree with you in terms of not being 100% well.

Perhaps better to be content where I am. The alternative might be never getting to the 100% better either.

I would think in binary terms - well / unwell. The problem with this was as I felt I was getting closer to the finish line, something would happen and I would reset. These days it is more akin to a journey up a mountain and there will be times that I go into a valley. But I know that at some point in time I have to start going up again towards the top. That going down and up again is finding another path in the journey.