Hi, I’m Alex

[lexy_r]

Hi my name is Alex. I’ve been battling with anxiety since my teens and in my late 20’s it has led to depression. I am now 33.

I think my psychologist and I have gotten to the root cause (dysfunctional perfectionism) but I’m going through a bit of a low right now as I feel I will never be happy with myself.

I also make things a lot worse for myself by binging on alcohol when I go out with friends, to the point where I end up sick for days and just feel a whole lot worse about myself.

The only way I can see around it is to stop going out all together. I’ve stopped exercising, eating properly and haven’t been to work for 3 days.

I’m at a bit of a loss as to how to get better. I am on medication and seeing a psychologist regularly

[Ell43]

Hey Alex!
Welcome to the forums, I'm relatively new myself and I've been overwhelmed by the great support and advice offered to everyone in here! I hope you find it a helpful space!

Battling anxiety for such a long period is not easy!! I'm so pleased to read you have be proactive enough to seek professional help and work towards an understanding of where your anxiety comes from. Well done, not a lot of people are willing to work that hard to figure their problems out!

Using alcohol is definitely not a great copping mechanism, however is something a lot of people have difficulties with. I totally don't think you're alone there, finding a good balance and drinking in moderation can be super tricky.
I guess your question sort of answers itself a tiny bit in the way you have described it. Highlighting the fact that you've stopped exercising, eating well and working suggests you have some insight into the benefit of these routines can have on your life. It's so hard to motivate yourself to do those things when you are feeling low, but we know how good they are for us, so its important we try and schedule them into our lives as best we can.
Even if its something really small, like going for a tiny walk today (you might usually exercise a lot more intensely, but restarting small is helpful), or catching up with a friend might help you restart a bit.

If you're finding that your anxiety is causing you to feel like you can't function as you usually do, would you be willing to try some guided meditation?
The SmilingMind app is a good one I use. It's free and guides you through some mindfulness activities that might help you lower those physiological signs of anxiety for a bit and help you relax? Just another option 😃

Thanks for posting Alex, so glad to have you here! Hang in there!!

Ell

[lexy_r]

Thanks Ell, it’s so nice that you have replied.

i am using the app Calm which I find quite helpful. I am feeling a little better now that I have reached out, but now just feel so guilty about not going to work.

I’ll have a look through the forums, I’m sure I’m not alone with this

[geoff]

Hello Alex, and Hi to Ell for a great reply.

I am interested in your comment because you have mentioned 'dysfunctional perfectionism', so I wonder whether you never get anything done because it’s never perfect or perhaps it's feeling like you have something to prove all the time.

Perfectionism lives in fear of making a mistake so when you've done something, you wonder if you could have done it better, and one of the biggest pushes we have is the need to always “get it right, and I say this because I've got OCD, however, now I've mellowed.

I was also drinking until my circumstances changed.

I'd like to hear back from you as I'm interested in what you have said.

Geoff.

[lexy_r]

Hi Geoff!

Thanks for touching base!

I guess it’s a little bit of both, of Indont think Incan do something that will reach my very high standard, I won’t even try.

But when it comes to my appearance, I guess I feel like I have something to prove, I need to be the prettiest, best dressed etc to be noticed.

My mentality is “I need to do/be ... this or that” and then I’ll be ok

[geoff]

Hi Alex, thanks for getting back to us.

On so many occasions when I was growing up I needed to be recognised, although I never asked for it, I just hoped that people would make comments, mainly by playing sports, and even if they did, it still wasn't enough because it didn't register.

Some days now I've been hampered, thrown from pillow to post and that hurts, but yes I understand exactly what you are saying, and to want to be the prettiest and best dressed is wanting to be perfect.

There is nothing wrong with this, and what you might believe, you don’t need to prove your self to anyone.

Remember your standards for your life are the only standards that matter.

After people glance at you that's it, off they go doing whatever they want to do.

I'm fully behind you and if you haven't heard from me is because I'm offline, but will catch up, I promise.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[lexy_r]

Thank Geoff for your words. I have seen your presence here on the forums and I think that’s really admirable.

[therising]

Hi Alex

We do put a lot of pressure on ourselves which I think, to some degree, has a lot to do with learned behaviour. We're typically raised by adults to be 'people pleasers' (you know that 'Good boy/good girl' pat on the head thing). We can be raised in a conditional environment where 'perfection' becomes the often expected yet forever unobtainable goal.

It is only recently that I discovered how positive and constructive disappointment can be. When we've got plenty of folk around us (as well as ourselves) appointing us roles, the roles can definitely add up along with the pressure. This is where disappointing ourselves from some of those roles becomes important, for example, 'I appoint myself the role of 'perfect looking' in my presentation to others' becomes 'I no longer accept the appointment, to look 'perfect'. Boy, it can be hard to let go of some of the roles, especially the deeply ingrained ones.

So, to all those people who say to us 'I'm so disappointed in you for ...', we can take that to mean they are having trouble accepting our newfound rejection of a role that was once bestowed on us, whether we agreed with it or not at the time. And once we take our power back, in deciding who we're going to be, we redefine ourselves in so many ways.

By the way, I know you would have heard it time and time again but the chemistry that surges through us whilst we're in a depression, will definitely be tweaked one way or another by things such as diet, exercise and alcohol. I know, from personal experience during my time in depression some years ago, that alcohol can provide some great highs, although the lows can impact our chemistry in cruel mind-altering ways. Alcohol is definitely a toxic bandaid for depression.

Take care of yourself Alex on your quest to discover new constructive appointments in life

[lexy_r]

Thanks for everyone’s kind advice.

I really like the idea of dis-appointing myself of roles I’ve appointed myself. I also think it’s about challenging the expectations I’ve put on myself and others.

For example, I’ve appointed myself the role of “looking the prettiest” with the expectation that others will accept me. I think once I let go of the expectations I’ve put on others - that they have to accept me, it will be much easier to dis-appoint the role of being the prettiest.

I know the logical thing to do, it’s just putting it into practice that’s the hard part, as my internal critic is so strong and been around for so long it’s difficult to change.

And being a perfectionist I expect change almost instantly, just a little progress isn’t enough. I guess I need to develop more perseverance