Hi, first time doing anything like this...😖

[DaKaM]

Hi, I’m a 43 year old man married with one daughter.

This is the first time ever doing anything like this, and still took me 5 goes before I hit the “DONE” button.

I feel myself slipping deeper into a void I cannot see myself returning from. I am my own worst enemy and have zero confidence in my abilities, even though I know I am extremely capable.

i rarely get a good nights sleep even though the only thing I look forward to is going to bed and sleep. I feel as if I’m letting my family down, especially my 14 year old.

its very hard for me to do this but had to vent it somewhere

[kanga_brumby]

Welcome to beyond blue DaKaM from a single dad of a 15 year old boy and 18 year old girl. I have been fumbling about in the dark trying to raise two by myself for 13 years. I am doing pretty good and getting better at it each day. With parenting it's flying by the seat of your pants stuff daily. I have faith you can do it just as I have had to adapt. Good luck

Kanga

[Unbeliever]

I always found it fascinating when people believe wholeheartedly in two directly opposing views about themselves.

By no means do I mean this as a criticism, because I have no doubt that you are telling the truth about both... and yet it is impossible that both can be true in the real physical world.

I'll show you what I mean...

"I... HAVE zero confidence in my abilities, even though I KNOW I am extremely capable".

This statement was completely true... right? You believe it and were not lying at all. I know that, I could feel it in your words.

And yet logically in reality these truths can not exist together in "absolutes". The existence of one would negate the other. You see what I mean?

So, firstly... tell us about these capabilities that you KNOW that you have. What are you good at? What things do you do well? What things in the past have you done for your 14 year old that you felt proud of, that you feel you did good? Be overly bragging about your good stuff without holding back.

This way we can work out together where the contradictions of your self beliefs overlap and where the reality begins.

From this it will be easier to find out where you feel like you are letting your family down and hopefully come up with ways to fight the void.

[DaKaM]

What am I good at?

Art, painting and drawing.

ive been featured in a worldwide magazine with my art, so I know I’m fairly OK at it.

When I get down to doing art, something in my head is always in my way, and I get to the point where I can’t actually face doing anything.

I come up with an idea to work on, but can’t even get it off the ground due to trying to get it the way it is in my head.

Making my daughter proud, haven’t really done anything.

She goes without a lot, never been on a proper holiday where all her friends have been here there and everywhere.

Being a 14 year old I get reminded of this a lot....LOL

Being a single income family doesnt help the situation either, very hard to to even have enough to put petrol in my car each week yet alone do anything else

[kanga_brumby]

DaKaM this is supposed to be a safe place to raise issues not to be judged by others. I feel your doing the best you can with the resources you have to hand. keep on going friend

kanga

[Unbeliever]

An artist... that's awesome.

If you've been featured in a worldwide magazine... I'd say that means that you were a little more than just "ok" at it.

It's interesting. When I was reading your post a painting of something beautiful in the background popped into my head, but with something large and ugly obsuring the full view of it to the observer... perhaps it is something worth painting? Not sure.

I was thinking more of something you did for your daughter at some point in her life that made YOU feel proud.

Haha... yes. I remember doing the same thing to my poor mum. All the other kids seemed to have so much compared to me. Stupid stuff now I understand, but it seemed so important back then. Of course now I understand how amazing she was and how lucky I had it. 14 is a really weird age, I remember it well. I was way too hard on my mum during those years, unjustifiably so.

Being on a single income is super tough these days, but you cannot be blamed for that. It's definitely not your fault.

In fact, on the little info you have given us... you actually seem to be a pretty great dad.

Responsible, caring, you worry for your daughter and want her to be happy, you make sure she has all the necessities despite being on a restrictive income, you had the courage to come to a place unlike anywhere you had been before and write your feelings on a public forum and have an inherant creative streak (published no less)... there's a lot of plus+'s there man and very little bad stuff that I can see so far. You seem to be a little hard on yourself though, and I haven't seen a reason why that would be.

I'm actually a little impressed with you so far, it is rare that I meet and actual "good guy" these days.

[DaKaM]

Cheers mate

[DaKaM]

Thanks for your reply’s, but I’m not on here to “impress”anyone or justify why I have these thoughts or feelings.

im here to try and find if I can do anything about it.

im sorry if I’m blunt, but I think this isn’t the right forum for me.

thanks for your replys

[Unbeliever]

Being blunt is fine DaKam, it's honest. Honest is good.

I apologise if I wrote anything that made you uncomfortable, it was not my intent.

There are some very wise people on this forum, some of whom will have experience doing things to deal with thoughts and feelings like yours.

I'm confident that one of those people will read your post soon and have some ideas about what you can do.

I wish you the best of luck.