Hello

[KayS86]

Hi everyone, I am new here and a little nervous but also relieved to find a place where I can express my pain/anxiety/loneliness. I guess to start, I experience anxiety daily, panic attacks and trauma related anxiety. I grew up in an abusive home and became very self destructive as a teenager. After highschool I began working and i enjoyed it for a while, I dropped out of uni and felt like I had some control over my life, but unfortunately I trusted the wrong people. I was sexually assaulted multiple times in my early 20's and felt very afraid of people and also very afraid of life. I stopped being able to work and relied a lot on Centrelink, I felt so much shame in not being able to work. I finally decided to study in my later 20's and managed to earn a degree as of last year, despite enormous panic attacks and anxiety which made me nearly quit almost daily. Now I am starting a new job tomorrow, it is part time and in the field I wanted but I feel nothing but anxiety. I don't often feel happy and still living at home in my 30's is tough on me mentally. I want to find a way to find happiness in everyday things, I don't need much, but I struggle immensely as I never socialise because I can't seem to really connect in a meaningful way with people anymore. I hope to find some comfort here. Thank you for reading

Kay

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Kay,

I hope it’s okay if I extend a gentle welcome to you to the forums...

I feel there is so much emotion in your post...hurt, trauma, fear and a sense of embarrassment about where you “are” in life. To have had your trust broken multiple times must have emotionally shattered you, and that is on top of an abuse ridden childhood. You have been through so much...

I think so-called milestones like moving out at a certain age, doing this or that a certain age, etc, etc can sometimes hurt people because there’s an underlying assumption that everyone is the same, which is not the case at all. Different circumstances between individuals means our paths will be different, and I think that’s okay...

I know it’s easier in theory than in practice but perhaps remember that other people who don’t live at home in their 30s have had a different life to you and possibly have not had the same traumas as you. Plus even if they did, as I said, everyone is different. That said, I realise it’s still hard on you though...

Congratulations on your new job although starting a new job can be be a very nerve racking time for a lot of people. Maybe you could try not to overthink it and take each work task/situation as it comes...after all, and without discounting your fears, I feel your employers hired you for a reason so you clearly have the ability...

Your comments about emotional disconnection is something that I can relate to...I don’t know if it’s the same for you but I feel a lot of it stems from fear of others. In your case, I feel you have been hurt so many times that maybe there’s a part of you that is apprehensive about letting anyone in again. I could be wrong of course...

I wonder if you have any professional support to help you with your anxiety and traumas. If you haven’t already, perhaps you could consider seeing a GP or mental health worker like a counsellor or psychologist. Apologies if I’m telling you things you’re already doing or have considered.

I hope you feel very welcome here. It would be great to hear from you again (if you like) as we would love to support you. I thought it was very brave of you to post about your fears and struggles...

Caring thoughts,

Pepper

[KayS86]

Hello Pepper,

Thank you so much for your response to my post, there was a kindness in it that I don't think I have ever felt from a friend let alone someone i don't know. It made me feel warm and safe and I appreciate that you took the time to make me feel welcomed. I agree with all that you said, rationalising my experiences and pain has always been easier than finding ways to resolve them for me, I have reached out to my GP and we came up with a mental health plan but I wan't working so sessions with a psychologist wasn't feasible, now that I am working I am hoping to change that. I think for so long I have denied myself warmth because i never trusted those who promised it and it has made the softest parts of me so callused. but at the same time i have immense empathy, compassion and love inside me, it just doesn't get reciprocated. I really look forward to being a more active member on this forum, i think it will help immeasurably. My first day of work went well! my team is lovely so I am trying to take everything day by day, task by task as you said. Thank you once again Pepper

[White_Rose]

Dear Kay

Welcome to the forum, so pleased you found us. You have travelled a hard road and endured a great deal of pain, it's hardly surprising you have a great mistrust of people. You are safe on this forum as no one will abuse you in any way. I hope you will continue to write in here.

Congratulations for talking to your GP. This is a great first step. Having a mental health plan is a good start and it's sad that you have not been able to talk with a psychologist. Although the greater part of your fee is paid by Medicare but there is still gap fee to pay. I hope you will now be able to get the help you need.

There are many here who can relate to your pain because they have had similar experiences. I know I find it hard to trust people after various events in my life. There is always the thought you will be abandoned or mistreated by someone you trust and get hurt again.

Feeling shame because you have been unable to work is sad as this has not been your fault. I see you are a determined person and congratulations on gaining your degree. It's hard enough to gain a degree without the added complications of panic attacks etc. I finally went to uni in my fifties with a lot of fear and 'What if' questions. I was working at that time so completed my degree part time. Just getting through is a hassle but complicated by having a mental health problem makes everything so much harder. You now know you can achieve the goals you have set yourself which is a huge boost to your confidence.

You also have insight and an awareness of what has hindered your progress and that is priceless. rationalising my experiences and pain has always been easier than finding ways to resolve them for me. It's fairly common to do this especially when you are under stress. Often it is simply too hard to resolve problems and rationalising them helps you to cope. It was a method of allowing you to stay in control to some extent.

Knowing you can achieve your goals despite the past will help you in the future. It is a smart move to talk to someone who 'gets' your experiences and will help you move on and hopefully regain some trust in others. It will not be an easy road I know having been there and in many ways I still find trust a big issue. Once bitten, twice shy is a huge truth and one I hope you will manage.

Congratulations on your first day at work. I hope it will translate into a full time job in the future. Great hearing about you and please keep writing in.

Mary

[KayS86]

Thank you so much Mary. I really do feel a support here and safety that I haven't really felt before, it makes me wonder why i never found this platform sooner. I am definitely still pushing through invasive thoughts of self doubt that come up during work, especially when i don't meet the projected targets. I begin to tell myself "they are going to fire you", "they thought you were going to be the right fit but they picked the wrong person", " your best effort just isn't good enough". I know that all I can do in any endeavour is try my best and see that in itself as a win but I am terrified that I will be reprimanded and that I will have to act like my anxiety and depression doesn't exist for the sake of keeping my job. I am sure many people who are trying to work again feel that way here and it's easy for me to see you all clearly and say hey! you are beautiful and strong and look at you being a warrior, but my internal monologue subverts that language in an instant when it comes to myself. I don't want to be unemployed again, I struggle to see how I can continue living without independence but i can only do my best.

Mary I think its amazing how you returned back to uni, i see perseverance and strength being shown in that and I really admire you because I know that fear all too well.

I hope that somehow i can find ways to feel joy again and trust in myself.

Kay

[White_Rose]

Hello Kay

You have only been in your job a few days so please stop worrying. No one expects a new starter to be perfect as soon as they walk in the door. It is difficult to keep going when you believe you are making mistakes and letting others down. I know it's hard to believe but I think you are doing your job well. Remember you have been there for three days only.

I noticed in your first thread you said you don't feel happiness. Can you change that to thinking you are OK. Happiness, as in being over the moon, dancing with joy etc, happens now and then. We do not feel this way for long periods of time. It can be as tiring as having bad days because of your depression. Concentrate instead on being the best you can be. I very much doubt you will be sacked. Easy for me to say I know but true nonetheless.

Work with your psychologist and do not be afraid to mention how you feel. No good paying good money and not getting a return. If you don'y get on with the psych then change to another person.

I must stop as I am falling asleep. Not a good look.

Mary

[Simey22]

Dear KayS86

Rebuilding and starting a fresh from any where at any point in life if always difficult and not easy, for any one. You have experienced much, you need to acknolegde that and be prowd of your achievements, we all experience life differently at times and the ghosts of your past always seem to grapple at you when you feel negitive thoughts, and project plauseable outcomes from your subconscious mind at the worst time.

To combat this I began keeping a journal of personal growth and mental health. I Set GOals and Directions where i wanted to be at this time in my life. I also went out of my way to find a social group, even return back to church, the difference in one year was mind blowing.

Habit and mind set changes are hard but important. Progression of any sort requires pro active actions and courage to keep going. I was and still am experienceing some issues with a divorce and reinvention of my self.

The biggest changes I made was to get balance. Home, work, social, study and Health. I found the confidence I got from that social interaction and improved mental health and fitness paramount to achieving my goals and targets. And a massive improvement to my actual mental state and how I perceive things accross the board.

We all need direction and we need balance. We all have negitave thoughts regarding events, this will never change what will change is how you see them and act on them.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Kay,

My apologies for my late response. Thank you so much for your beautiful reply 🙂 It was lovely to hear from you again. You’re most welcome by the way.

Hopefully as you’re working now, you will be able to go ahead with your psych sessions. Let us know how those go if you like (and obviously you don’t have to share anything you don’t want to. Zero obligation to share anything you don’t want to share).

Yes, you do sound like a deeply empathic person who has a lot of kindness and caring to give. But at the same time, as you have been hurt so many times before, it does (understandably) make you fearful and hesitant when it comes to human interaction.

I feel for you and I can see where you’re coming from...maybe it’s sometimes like being conflicted between your need to connect and your fear of it. I wonder if this is something you might like to discuss when you resume therapy. Just a gentle thought.

I’m delighted to hear you would like to be more active on the forums. In your own good time and whenever you feel up to it, you can write on your own thread or on any other thread.

Caring thoughts,

Pepper

[KayS86]

Hello Pepper

Thank you for your post 🙂 Its been a few weeks now at work and I do feel more comfortable with my responsibilities, but I find myself so exhausted in every way when I get home that I just want to sleep all the time. I'm a bit under the weather atm and that sometimes plays up my depression more which makes me feel super drained around people. I haven't started therapy as yet, I am still struggling to find the energy to even meet an appointment. It helps to come on here and share whats inside though.

[KayS86]

Hello Simey22,

Thank you for your post, I found it super helpful. I think you are so right in regards to finding a balance between, work social and home, I made it a point last week to actually socialise, it was hard but I felt some positives to it. I got to laugh and have a good time at a Comedy venue and it was something I haven't done on years. I hope to join more social groups where I can feel safe and myself. Thank you once again I really did feel like this was something doable.