Hello.... I'm drowning...

[MsDubious]

Hey there,

I'm not really sure what posting in a forum will accomplish... I think everyone is in the same boat as me - struggling and looking for help... but I don't have anywhere else to go...

I am a chronically ill single mum of 1. I work full time (even when I was on dialysis every night I still worked full time). I work about 55 hours a week and do not have any family here (my family is overseas). I am feeling so overwhelmed... I have this pain in my chest that makes me cry when I start to think about it... I sleep intermittently - I fall asleep ok, but then I wake up after a couple of hours and can't get back to sleep. The thoughts keep racing - usually about something that I said or did that I'm not sure if I have handled it correctly. I constantly think I'm going to get fired - I can't keep up with the work. I honestly don't know how all the other teachers manage to get all the work done - how do you do it all with only 2 hours of prep time??. I work from 7:30am to at least 5:30 every day, and then I work at least 5 hours on the weekend. I feel guilty for not doing everything I'm supposed to do. I feel guilty for working so much that I neglect my own daughter. I feel guilty because I am very educated and yet I don't feel like I am successful. I feel guilty because I never went to my mom's funeral because my husband told me I couldn't afford to go.. that was 8 years ago and I still cry about it.

I just feel so overwhelmed and I don't know where to go or what to do. I can't see a counsellor because I don't have time, and I don't have someone to mind my child if I do go. I don't want to quit my job, because I actually love the "teaching" part (i.e. being in the classroom)... but I was given a kidney a little over a year ago, and I know this stress is going to make me sick again.

I say I'm a single mother, but I am actually married. My husband moved to Asia last year. He hasn't had an income in 10 years.... just lots of ideas that I supported him with. When I went on dialysis he quit his job because he wanted to go back to school... which meant I had to continue working full time. Currently he is starting a business overseas. It was really my idea... but I had to continue working to pay the bills. Anyways, I support him while he is setting everything up. Found out he had an affair.... He wants to stay married... but he also doesn't want to stop seeing this woman because he is lonely in Asia. Oh my gosh... I can't handle all of this.

[Croix]

Dear MsDubious~

Welcome here, I guess the reason you came is to have other people's perspectives, your own are driving you into serious illness. You give an account of one of those people full of determination, handling a full teaching load, supporting child and husband. You do this despite ill health plus what was in me an anxiety condition. Those feelings of self-doubt, guilt and an unrealistic fear of being fired sound very familiar.

You have been very strong, but you are not a never ending well of strenght, with no limits. You have approached and exceeded them, if that were not the case the guilt, pain, crying, anxiety, lack of hope and even posting here would not be happening.

To be blunt your husband sounds like another child, and a selfish one. Any sacrifice he could have made for your mum's funeral would have been worth it, and soaking up your money overseas whilst continuing to be unfaithful is simply not on. When you became ill he did not remain as a financial and emotional support but disappeared. You are a source of money, not a wife.

I'm sorry to say it that way, however I don't know of any other way of putting it. Do you think I'm judging to harshly? Love, duty and custom can tend to blind.

Your health with proper treatment, your well being and your child are the most important things, and true you do need money for that. Plus you do need a sense of accomplishment, which you get in the classroom. I could make the obvious suggestions, however I think you can too. How can you decrease your load and still have enough for those essentials I just listed?

Again being blunt, if your health fails completely, either due to mental or physical illness what happens?

You are remarkable and I've tried to give a realistic reply, and am sorry if I upset you, you do not deserve that. I hope it allows you pause to think between what at first glance may seem unacceptable alternatives, I would welcome your response.

Croix