Guilty

[Clarry]

So I’ve just seperated from my functioning alcoholic husband and I’m riddled with guilt but I can’t handle the mental and verbal abuse anymore. He’s in shock and is constantly attempting to make me feel worse with “nice” messages realising that he has not appreciated me or treated me accordingly!! Moving was extremely difficult as I loved our beautiful home and am trying desperately to make ends meat on a very minimal full time wage. Its all such a mess and I’m struggling so badly with the guilt of leaving and consequently what he might do !

[Croix]

Dear Clarry~

I feel for you as you are in a horrible position. Being mentally and verbally abused is no way to live and it must have taken a great deal of determination and courage to make the break. Now you have financial difficulties on top. Life can sometimes be very unfair.

I guess it is only to be expected that your husband would send messages like that. Sadly they do not take much effort to send and I'd not be sure they meant anything other than a desire to return to how things were before.

Relationships, at least as far as I can see, have to be reasonably equal, with among other things both looking after the other as well as taking responsibility for oneself. Here it looks like you are worrying as if you had sole responsibility for him, and he does not.

May I ask what you would hope for? To continue in a permanent separation or to try to get back together if things were to improve?

Being an alcoholic is a very difficult place to be, and for things to improve normally outside appropriate help is really needed.  And this of course has to be driven by the person involved recognizing the problem and really wanting to get better.

Do you think there is any chance of this happening? If it did do you think his behavior would improve?

Trying to deal with all of this in isolation is very hard. Do you have anyone to talk to and help? A family member or friend? I've found this not only a comfort but also can help gain a sense of perspective.

Please know you can talk here as often as you'd like

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Clarry, please let me give you a warm welcome to the forums.

I'm so sorry, I had spent more than half an hour replying back to you this morning but my reply didn't go through as the site was out of order, system error appeared.

I hope you can let me reply back to you once again, but unfortunately, it will be in the morning, I'm sorry, but I start very early at about 1.00 am.

Please let me know if you are still checking your comment so I can try and help you, as I've been in exactly the same position, but have now overcome this addiction, however, I lost my marriage to the person I thought would be with me forever.

I absolutely understand how you are feeling and really want to help you through this.

Please let me know, I just hope this goes through.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hello Clarry, to try and remember what I said in the first reply is always difficult to do.

You have made the right decision, separating from your abusive husband, simply because he was emotionally and verbally abusive, but what does happen is exactly how he is responding back to you, sending you messages of appreciation, but it had to take you leaving him to wake up.

This won't necessarily change him, but what's happened he has pulled you down to where you never wanted to be and the only way for you to try and begin your recovery was to leave him.

Keep in mind that a new life was better than the almost impossible belief that tomorrow would be different if you had stayed with him, because it wouldn't have, as it's been going on for too long, without any consideration for you.

There have been on so many occasions I have known where an alcoholic/drug person promises they will honour sobriety just to get their spouse/partner back, and if this does happen, then the whole situation may start once again.

I must say that I was in the same position as your husband because of my depression but I lost my wife in the divorce, we still talk and now all I do is drink socially as I live in a rented unit.

I control the alcohol now, whereas before the alcohol had total control over me.

The only person your husband can help right now is himself, he has to be the one to decide he wants to stop drinking and get all the help he can.

With you, I'm so sorry you have had to leave your house, but at the moment you need to find somewhere to live, whether it's from a family member or a friend, however, can I suggest contacting 1800 015 188 for

'housing.vic.gov.au/crisis-and-emergency-accommodation', that's for Vic or https://services.dhhs.vic.gov.au/crisis-accommodation, these places are already furnished.

Another place to contact is Anglicare, they were terrific with me.

I'm sorry Clarry because I only wished the second reply was as informative as the first, please forgive me.

If you want to, I'd like to hear back from you.

Geoff.