First time user just looking for someone to talk to

[Irenelauris]

Hi everyone, I am looking to talk to someone who also struggles with depression, anxiety and anger issues. I’m 22 years old and completely hate myself. I argue with everyone and push them away, I act like I don’t care and that I don’t need anyone but the reality is I spend most nights crying myself to sleep. I struggle with PTSD from a sexual assault from 4 years ago and also sexual harassment from my step father 2 years ago. This has given me constant anxiety especially at night, I live alone and am in constant fear that someone is going to break in and get me. This does not help the fact like I work roughly 85 hours a fortnight as a carer at a nursing home, a job where I have to be constantly happy and always have a smile on my face. As you can imagine it is exhausting. Just want someone who has gone though something similar to help me with positive thoughts!

[smallwolf]

Hi, welcome to beyond blue.

I have not been in a position similar to yours yet I am familiar with negative thoughts, depression and anxiety. You mentioned enjoying work and when you get home you don't feel so safe. For myself, work acts as a distraction so my mind does not get much of a chance to do it's thing. But on my way home and when I get home and doing nothing the negative thoughts return.

One of the things my psychologist had me do was to write down find things to be thankful for each day. There is a thread on the forums here called

Three things to be thankful for today

You might like to have a look there.

Do you speak with anyone about what you are going through?

I am sure there are others in this space that will have gone through what you have. But I can listen to you tell your story.

I am saddened by what you have gone through. Our experiences shape how we are, our behaviour. What things make you angry? Please come back and chat some more?

Tim

[Irenelauris]

Hi Tim,

thanks so much for the reply. Was kinda expecting not to hear back from anyone so thank you so much!
I’ll have a look at that tread at work tonight and give it a go!
I used to speak to someone while I was at school as I lost my dad when I was young.
my step dad that used to harass me is a very religious man, my mums solution to this was to send me a religious centre to talk about it, which was basically just them blaming me for provoking him by wearing pjs with bras and if I went out clubbing i would leave the house wearing provocative clothing, etc. this has completely put me off going to get professional help.
I know I need to speak with someone I just haven’t got the courage yet.

Everything angers me, I have this need to be right all the time and if someone doesn’t agree with me I can’t handle it. As I child I was always very angry and frustrated as I have dyslexia and was bullied quite bad for it, I was constantly behind at school and that frustrated me as well which soon turned to anger. I have a need to be in control of every aspect of my life and when things don’t happen that way it just triggers me.
god this is so much harder to write down then I thought it would be!
thank you so much for listening, I would love to chat more

[smallwolf]

Hi again. Was about to go to sleep and I just checked here and saw your reply. You said it was hard to write it down. I think that you have done a pretty good job so far. There is a certain anonymity here so you can say what you feel. When I was at high school I did remedial reading. Made me feel dumb. Though I would suffer in silence. rather than lashing out or showing emotion it was easier to say nothing. I still feel as though I am lesser than others and desire to be correct is more to be normal and that I am worthwhile. It's hard to accept ourselves. Like you I need to be in control. My being in control is related to not failing and being correct. To be accepted.

Whether you want or need professional help? Cannot answer that. But you have courage - for what you have gone through, for writing here, telling your story. It's a new journey.

[Irenelauris]

It feels easier to suffer in silence sometimes hey? Rather then admitting to yourself that there is a problem. How do you cope with that now?
also thank you so much, I need to keep telling myself that but I’m not good at complimenting myself.
And yes I have already noticed how much easier it is to talk on here rather then someone I know from my personal life. Because I always put on a happy face and use humour to cover things up, if I mention to anyone that I’m feeling down they just think I’m being silly and that it’s a just a bad day. I normally come in and out of depression. I’ll have a really bad week then I’ll be fine for awhile and pick myself back up but lately the down days are lasting longer and getting worse. And even though I know I’ll eventually pull myself out of it, I just feel like it’s going to last forever at the time

[smallwolf]

I have an app on my phone and I also do a sudoko puzzle before bed. I also don't drink coffee after 4pm. That last one came from my psychiatrist. That and the previous one helped me sleep through the night without waking up thinking about work. The puzzle is my way of emptying my head of thoughts. There are other exercises given to me by my psychologist. The latest one is note down interactions I have with others that (appear to) have it together and reframe those thoughts - the idea here is this exercise will help me to see that I am not lesser than other people, and the other people have issues just as much as me.

Just on you... is it a case that after you pull yourself out of it that you can think I am fine now and don't need any help! That's how I can feel. Then feel like a fraud for taking up my psychologists time. And never knowing how long you feel will feel normal for or less than normal.

If someone did reply to you about you just having a bad day, what would happen do you think if you said that you had been feeling that way for days/weeks? The conversation changes to something more serious.

I had a conversation with by barber. He asked me how I was. My reply was "depends what answer you want". He then said "the real answer". So we spoke about my mental health and what I was doing. He said I was brave to doing what I was and for talking about it.

fwiw - I suck at accepting compliments as well.

Tim

[Irenelauris]

They are really good ideas, I might give some of them a go! I normally have a rule of not going on my phone after 7pm and using lamps and candles instead of the bright lights. Helps me switch off a bit before bed. Gets a bit hard though when I do night shifts like at the moment.

i talked to an old friend about it before and it was almost like she slowly stopped talking to me after that, like it was too much effort to be mates with someone with mental health. I also hate the thought of someone feeling pity for me. I’m from a small town so when my dad passed away everyone felt sorry for our family and it was like being looked down on.
I should open up more and maybe talk to my sister about it. It’s a hard thing for me to bring up, especially for her

[Hanna3]

Hi Irenelauris,

Smallwolf has given you some great ideas there - I'll use a couple of them myself! Thanks Smallwolf!

I'm just someone who also came on BB some time ago with some problems too, so first of all, welcome to BB it's a good safe place to chat and looks like you've had some good talks with Smallwolf.

I suffered a couple of serious assaults as a child/teenager and I really would encourage you to think about talking to a counsellor about the attack you suffered and your stepfather. It helped me when I finally did see someone about my problems. The counsellor was able to point out things that triggered my anxiety/panic attacks/anger and it call came from those incidents (plus some stuff from my family). Once I knew what was likely to trigger these feelings I was able to avoid them as much as possible, or else knew what was happening when I did have a trigger.

It's great that you've been able to talk about things here and I hope things can get better for you. Well done for coming onto BB! I'll come by again and see how you're going. Best wishes!

[smallwolf]

Hi Hanna3 and Irenelauris,

Trying to start the day positive here. Sometimes I have to force myself to do homework from my psychologist. And I am going to cheat a little here. One of the exercises I had to do was to write down a gratitude, something I have done and something to look forward to...

gratitude - being able to chat to both of you here

something I have done - my post had something in them you can use

something to look forward - a good day at work

(I was going to write "a reply from you" in something to look forward to, but that would be a tad cheeky.) I hope that you both have a good day. And if you do get stuck you can always try some grounding or mindfulness techniques - e.g. when you have that cup of tea or coffee, think about coffee beans getting picked, ground, and use all your senses while drinking it.

Tim

[Irenelauris]

Hi Hanna,

thank you for sharing! This week I’ve decided to go to the doctor and talk to him, maybe get a referral to talk to someone! If it helped you I’m hopeful that it might do the same for me.

and hi Tim!
Once again full of good ideas, I quickly read these messages before work and while I was eating some fruit on my break I was thinking exactly that, the idea of the seed and the process after that. Took my mind off the stress of going back into work and putting that happy face on.

I also like the idea of writing them 3 things down. And I also look forward to your replies. They’ve helped me so much already. Makes me think I should have tried BB years ago!