first time posting. New here.

[Dee2204]

Hi, I'm just reaching out because i am simply lost. I have been a long time sufferer of Depression and now anxiety, infact i would say depression took everything from me. Although i have come a long way from the major depression i suffered a few years back the effects of that time of my life are haunting me so much to the point i can hardly cope anymore. Having depression ruined all i ever had. I was so ill my children ended up with their dad as i was to unwell to give the right care and although i maintain a beautiful, close relationship with my children the guilt of not being there and the guilt of everything i've missed is just too much. My children were young and they were moved 2 hours away so seeing them was hard, simple things like picking them up from school, making them lunches, kissing them good night all went. When you have you're children and hold them for the first time you never expect you aren't going to be the one not to bring them up. My point here is i now have so much guilt it's eating at me,nearly every single thought is me beating myself up about how i wasn't there and how i want it all back to do right, how others look at me etc. It gets so draining being so hard on yourself and i just want the thoughts in my head to stop. Anxiety is now a huge part of my life , i guess i always had it but high doses of anti depressants (which i'm no longer on) would have covered it's now very strong effects. I"ve also been off work for 10 weeks now after a surgery and i think the constant loneliness of being home everyday and not participating in everyday life is also playing a huge part here. I'm simply sick of crying and i'm drained and i just thought i could maybe reach out here. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

Sorry you are struggling so much at the moment. Regrets are definitely hard to deal with, and I've no advice about how to make peace with where we are at and how things have panned out. It's something I'm currently struggling with too. So I hear you and I'm sorry you are going through it too.

Are you recovering ok? When do you think you'll be able to get back to work? I imagine the distraction will be a welcome relief. I'm looking forward to uni starting again for the same reason. In the meantime, perhaps some meditation might help provide a temporary stop on the "thought train". My gp recommended the app Smiling Mind, for this reason.

If you want to talk more, I'm here listening. This is a gentle, safe space to share, so welcome. Katy

[White_Rose]

Dear Dee

Hello and welcome. Thank you for telling us your story. It is a hard road you have been on. It may help to say many others have travelled this road and found a better life. I say this to give you hope not to disparage your efforts. It is a long, hard, lonely road and I know because I have been there.

So what can you do to help yourself and how can we help and support you.I do not know if you have much understanding about anxiety and depression. I presume you must have some information but it may be worthwhile to look at the beyondblue resources. These can be found under The Facts at the top of the page & Get Support. You can also look at the Black Dog Institute, www.blackdoginstitute.org.au

I know about the utter exhaustion of constant tears, blaming yourself for everything that has gone wrong and constantly wondering what everyone thinks of you. Like you I put up with it for many years because I had no idea what to do. Do you see a psychologist or psychiatrist? These people can be very helpful. Your GP will be able to refer you to one of these.

May I ask why you no longer take an antidepressant (AD)? I know I hated taking them and I could not tolerate what the psychiatrist called a therapeutic dose. It seemed pointless to take anything that was never going to work. Is this what happens for you? In the end my GP prescribed an AD from a different group to the usual SSRI pills. It has worked very well for me. May be worthwhile talking to your doctor about this.

By far the worst part is being on your own and feeling so bad. Such a feeling of despair and hopelessness. It is indeed a bad place to be. I think you are right about being on your own after surgery and feeling so much worse. The black dog, AKA depression, is no respecter of people and will lob in the front door without so much as a by your leave. It gets into your mind and makes you believe all sorts of unrealistic thoughts. Beating yourself up and blaming yourself for caring your children is probably easier than looking at other aspects of not bringing up your children.

Please try to remember you did not choose to be depressed. No one does and so often there is no obvious reason. This is when we say it must be our fault because I am a bad person or I'm crazy, or any other reason the dog puts in our minds. Not true. Just the dog up to its tricks. Your job is to teach it manners and to walk to heel. You are in charge.

Hope this helps. I would like to talk more if this suits you.

Mary

[Guest_4643]

Hi Dee. I'm new here too, welcome to BB and the forums. Good on you for reaching out and posting here. I hope you find support from Beyond Blue and others such as mental health professionals.

I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling. If it makes you feel any better, I know how you feel. I've struggled with depression, anxiety, social anxiety, etc. since I was 12, I'm 20 and I'll be 21 this year now. Sometimes it can be reassuring to know that you're not alone, as heartbreaking as it is. But trust me, I know how alone you feel. You feel like no one cares and understands you. I'm so sorry you feel this way.

I'm so sorry to hear about your children also, that's heartbreaking. But at least you still have a good relationship with them, so I guess as sad as the situation is, that's one positive part about it. I know it would be better for you to be closer to them and whatnot though, I'm sorry. I'm sure they still love you and they understand.

I'm sorry that you had a surgery too, I hope you're recovering well. I had a surgery in November 2018 last year, it was my first surgery, pretty unexpected and major, let's just say if I didn't have it, well you know. I wouldn't be here. I'm thankful for that as traumatic as it was, and still is really. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I hope you have a speedy recovery.

I also know how lonely you feel, of course I don't have any kids or siblings, just my parents and myself with our Dog (in my profile picture, he's an 11 year old Fox Terrier named Buddy), I'm pretty housebound myself for a few reasons. Some days I don't mind, other days I hate it.

Maybe you could try some art whether it's drawing, tracing stuff, sketching, writing, painting, anything at all? There's lots of forms of art, and I think whatever it is, it's a good way to express yourself. I also find that colouring in can be relaxing, for me anyway. Johanna Basford colouring books are lovely, detailed but not too much detail, and you can take however long you like, even do what I do and colour in something over a certain time frame, a couple of hours or days maybe, up to you. I also recommend a free colour by numbers app called Happy Colour, that's fun and addictive and you get rewards for completing things on there (for example colour 5 pictures). I also listen to music and walk my Dog, I love walking.

I hope you find some support, and that you can see your children more. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, truly.

Please take care. Much love and hugs,

Tayla x

[Dee2204]

Hi Katy, Thank you so much for replying. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with similiar issues, it's so draining and i know i'm really finding it tough at the moment. I'm recovering ok from surgery, i had wrist and hand surgery so it prevents me from driving at the moment so not having that freedom to come and go as i'm used to is really taking it's toll on my mental health and of course the loneliness is so hard to deal with , i never realised i really have hardly anyone in this world and it really makes me wonder how i came to this point in my life. They said initially i wouldn't be able to work for about 12 weeks but now they're not sure i'll be ready then so that is a little stressful at the moment too as i really need the distraction of work. I will have a look at that app you suggested thank you for that. I really hope you're doing ok and thank you again replying to me i really appreciate it, Dee.

[Dee2204]

Hi Mary, thank you so much for your reply. I'm trying to make my way around the beyond blue site, i'm really very unsure where to start, sometimes i just wish i could find someone that has all the answers and helps me heal but i know it doesn't work like that. In answer to your couple of questions i was seeing a psychologist and was really enjoying it before i had to go and have surgery and since then i haven't been back only because i haven't been able to drive so i think that has definetly been a set back too. As for medication i haven;t been on it for about 3 years now, after many, many years on it i finally got to a place i felt i no longer needed it so decided to come off it (which might i add was a horrible experience, the medication was not pleasant to get off) . I do believe they played their part when i truly needed them but after i came off them i seemed to come alive , my dad said it was like i was woken up and i have coped pretty well since but i think they did mask the underlying anxiety i now definetly have and i find that really hard to deal with some days, the physical effects of anxiety are just horrible as well as the mental side of course. To be honest i'm so scared to ever go on medication again and i know my dad is very worried about it , i think he thinks i'm going to fall back into the huge hole i was in , the one he's seen me in since i was young, the one i finally crawled out of a couple of years ago and i think at the moment he's scared i'm going back there as i am. I also lost a lot of weight after coming off the medication and as i have the lowest self esteem the thought of gaining weight again from the medication scares me so much, i have such a huge worry of what people think of me already i don't need to have that worry too and i know that my mental health should come first but i never want to go back there again. So many people tell me i didn't choose depression and i do understand that but it simply ruined my life and dealing with that is the hard part i'm struggling with now. All i know is i want some rest from this constant punishment i keep giving myself. Thank you again for taking the time to reply to me , it is nice reading about someone else and having someone reach out with some helpful words. Dee.

[Dee2204]

Hi Tayla , thank you for your reply, i really appreciate it. I'm so sorry such a young lady as yourself is going through such a hard time and that you have been since a young age, i know how hard the struggle with mental health is , i was around 18 when i started suffering and i'm now 48 so the journey has been long and damaging for me. I'm so sorry you had surgery also and a very scary time by the sound of it ,i do hope you're doing well after going through that. Sorry to hear you're housebound, after 10 weeks of not driving and feeling trapped at home i can really sympathise with you. I did get some colouring books and puzzles and books as i used to read a lot but i must admit my lack of enthusiasm for anything right now is stopping me from enjoying these things even when i try and do them , i just don't have the get up and go for the simplest things right now. i know i really should be trying harder but sometimes it's just easier lying on my bed and trying to sleep just to turn my brain off. I'm glad you've got you're gorgeous dog buddy to take out for walks, that would be enjoyable. I do however listen to a lot of music, music gets me through so much and i'm a huge Pink fan, her music has got me through so many tough times and still continues to do so. Thank you again for reaching out to me , i'm also hear to listen to you if you need anything, take care Tayla. Dee.

[Guest_4643]

Hi Dee, thanks for replying also. I'm glad you appreciate it, and I appreciate your reply also.

Thank you for saying that, it means a lot. I'm so sorry that you've struggled too since you were 18, and you still are. I'm perfectly fine now after my surgery, thank you. I hope I never have a surgery again, but most Nurses and Doctors were nice. I hope you're recovering too, surgery is a scary thing especially when it's your first hospital stay like it was for me. I don't like Hospitals, I don't know if I'd say I have a fear of them but you know. I guess you get used to them being a visitor so many times seeing loved ones like I have.

That's nice that you've bought colouring books and puzzles, I have those too, I should do the puzzle sometime. I know how you feel about just wanting to lie down and sleep and shut your brain off, I'm exactly the same. Having insomnia like I do doesn't help and having nightmares from PTSD etc.

I'm glad music helps you too, and yeah Pink has some great songs and she's awesome. I'm glad that she's helped you through so much. I love a lot of rock and metal bands, I've grown up with that music and of course ventured out and found my own bands I love and relate to so much, but I find comfort in that.

Matchbox Twenty is my favourite band and Rob Thomas (the singer and a solo artist) is my favourite singer, that's what my username stands for, it was all I could think of lol. They've saved my life. I hope you can meet Pink one day and see her in concert if you haven't already, you deserve it. I saw Rob in concert for the first time last year in November, best day of my life. I hope to see Matchbox Twenty some day and meet them all too, especially Rob. Rob's meet and greet was $800 😞 But if I ever get the chance I'll do my best to save up because that's my ultimate dream. Rob is my hero. You should check them out if you haven't already and Rob's solo stuff, and also a band before MB20 called Tabitha's Secret. Their music is so meaningful and relatable.

Sorry again for my long comments. Yes my Dog Buddy is gorgeous, I had a pet Cockatiel called Coco aswell but he passed away a few years ago, just like old pets, a Jack Russell called Jack, and a German Shepherd called Lori. I love and miss all of them and my Grandparents every day without fail. It's still hard to process it all for me.

You're welcome for me reaching out to you, thanks for reaching out to me too. I hope things get better.

Please take care, much love and hugs xo

Tayla xo

[Mef]

Hi,I've just joined this discussion group.i have suffered depression and anxiety all my life but more so in the last 15 years.i think it's extra hard as mother's with the guilt,I've haven't taken them places we want to go or put off things I promised to do because of my anxiety then feel guilty about it.im so tired all the time,my eldest son is 20 now doing his own thing but I feel guilty because I haven't been able to take him out for driving lessons because I have no energy or too anixous.my daughter the same she 17 and should have her learners but I just can't do it,makes you feel terrible,they know I love them but I just tired, everything is a struggle I can't even get in the shower,it's been 2 weeks,that's embarrassing to admit but it's true.they great kids though kind good thoughtful,their dad is useless but it doesn't seem to bother them so that's good.not sure why I come on this forum tonight probably because I need support.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Mef,

Sounds like things have been difficult for a while - its great that you've posted here to talk about what you have been going through. I understand that life seems hard at the moment, and these feelings of guilt seem so loud at times. I can see that your family cares very much about you as do you about them. The forums are a really great place to talk through the feelings your having, try and make sense of them, and come up with ideas for coping. Reading through the experiences of others who have felt like this too can ease the sense of isolation. Whie your waiting for a response in this thread, have a look around the different threads on the forum and jump in on any discussions you'd like to, its a great way to meet other members. Sometimes the forums are less busy at different times of the day, so you might not get a reply in this thread straight away. 

Hopefully the morning has gotten a little better for you and you got some rest. Thanks again for posting,

Sophie