First time caller, long time listener

[The_owls]

Hi

I have been a reader of Black Dog and Beyond Blue literature for about 10 years and have suffered from depression and anxiety since around 2005 after my first panic attack. I realised after some years that I had been suffering from depression for most of my life but had no name for it or had even really heard of it. The closest I heard was "low self esteem" which only partly described how I felt.

I am just here to say hello and am also feeling cometely disconnected from everything I love to do right now. My symptoms have evolved into something that feels too big and I feel so small and must carry out my day to day tasks and employment by faking normallcy. I have been treating my symptoms with exercise as I never found the right medication. Lately it has nit been working and I'm afraid all the time with the nameless dread that you are all probably familiar with.

[Doolhof]

Hi The_owls,

Welcome to the community here, it is great you have felt comfortable enough to start up your own thread, congratulations, I know how much of a huge step that can be.

Medication has been an issue for me over the years as well and since October last year have been trying to cope without meds due to Drs. request to do so.

It is tough when our depression gets to a point where we don't know how to put one foot in front of the other. There are days when I feel like giving up, but I keep going.

Today I have had some ups and lots of downs. To not emphasise the downs, I have been trying to concentrate on what did go well! I tell myself I don't need to concentrate on the negatives or allow those thoughts to take over.

Some days I make a list of what I need to or want to achieve. I do what I can from that list and continue on the next day after having being thankful for what I have managed to achieve.

I try to accept the depression is there. My psychologist told me fighting it makes it worse.

A lot of people here will understand what you have written. Hopefully you can find something that will help with one area of your life, than you can expand on that and work on the next bit you want to change.

Motivation is not always to find, even taking small steps to reach a sense of progress helps!

Cheers to you from Dools

[smallwolf]

The_owls,

Hi. Welcome to beyond blue. Well done for posting.

One thing I picked up on was "I realised after some years that I had been suffering from depression for most of my life". I cannot comment for anyone else on his forum, but from the conversations I have had with others, I think this is not uncommon, particularly for me. The physical and emotional symptoms I was experiencing before I first saw my GP and then psychologist were similar the what I had experienced at other times in my life, except this was worse and I could not ride out the wave so to speak. The general public have a fairly good idea about things like cancer or diabetes etc. When it comes to the mind, things are different. Only after seeing a GP and then coming here, and other "research" of my own, that I find out that I had been like this for a long time, much longer than I thought. I had to hit (my) rock bottom before seeking help. Things will get better slowly, but it also requires patience, practice and honesty.

I hope that you might stick around and post some more. I find writing here therapeutic for myself. Reading what others go through and their techniques for managing gives me ideas also.

If you have any question, please me know.

Tim