First time being open about having depression.

Guest_22 · ‎19-06-2017

Hello, this is my first time doing anything ever like this. I've had a really hard week and have just been drowning in my own thoughts so I've decided to share in the hopes that someone knows what how I feel. Firstly, only one person knows I have depression and thats my partner and luckily he is so supportive of me. To everyone else they haven't the slightest idea and I feel like I would die if anyone else knew. I feel selfish for being this way and I truly believe I hide it remarkably well. I never ever talk about being down, or upset and I am very bubbly in public. The truth is when I am on my own I just fall apart. I would say the most consistent feeling I have is confusion. I feel like my head is a prison that I'm stuck in, I've had friends and siblings that have had panic attacks and really break down when they are not coping and as awful as this sounds, I've often wished that would happen to me. I wish I could the feelings out. I'm so terrified of not amounting to anything, yet in the last 3 years I can't seem to make any decisions, about anything. I'm not working very much right now, something most people don't even know and all I want is to be busy but I can't decide on what to do. I realise that having a disruptive childhood may have something to do with how I am (there is a history substance abuse in my family and lots of moving around) but I can't help feeling so ashamed of just not having myself together, and so I just pretend to. The mornings are particularly hard, I wake up telling myself everything is ok over and over again, even if I don't know what I am upset about. I started feeling like this after my father died when I was 24, but I am 27 now and I thought I would get over this and get on with life, but I haven't and I don't understand why everything feels wrong all the time, I'm so exhausted. When I have gone to see a psychologist I suddenly feel completely fine and can't open up about anything to them. And lastly, I don't always feel this way, it comes and goes. I am always a bit scared when I am happy because it feels like the confusion and doubt is just waiting around the corner. I wonder if anyone else feels this way too or has any insight into why I can't make decisions and feel so confused. Thanks for letting me share here.

Aware · ‎19-06-2017

Hello, this is my first time doing something like this also, and your story is pretty similar to mine. The difference though, is that I have already had two bad melt downs. Don't feel guilty about how you're feeling, you didn't want this to happen, but you need to acknowledge these feelings, it doesn't help to just keep it all building up inside. I spoke to a counsellor once, and had the same problem, so many thoughts but couldn't speak about it. But I got to a point that I felt I had to get some things out, and I did when I spoke to a second professional. Don't ever give up on yourself, it takes time, and your first step is to start talking and you have done this here.

MoanaMa · ‎19-06-2017

I did for a long time but the energy that went into hiding made it so much worse. My doctor recommended I tell people and not be ashamed. I did and I was able to work with what I had. Don't know if this will help you but it helped me

White_Rose · ‎19-06-2017

Dear Guest 22

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Well you have taken the first step to get help and that is always the hardest. One of the most consistent comments I see on BB is about being ashamed of depression. I could give you all sorts of reasons not to be ashamed but I think you have probably heard them before. I would like to talk about the benefits of admitting your depression.

You spend more energy concealing your depression than in working towards a solution. So you can feel far less tired and be able to enjoy life once you stop hiding.
Rarely does anyone get well on their own and never by telling themselves to 'pull up your socks'. You can access really helpful people and learn some healthy ways to manage your feelings.
Your mind ends up like a washing machine on an endless cycle of dirty clothes. Talking to others helps to switch off the washing machine and settle down, having thoughts about far more pleasant topics.
Depression stops your brain working properly. Memory is wonky and you misinterpret the words of others. This is where you show the world what a clever and intelligent person you are, and above all happy.
No more looking over your shoulder to see when the next panic attack or depression episode will hit.
You can get rid of those feelings of shame. It is caused by society attitudes reinforced by years of disapproval and fear.
You can spend time on your own enjoying solitude without breaking into tiny pieces.

Yes I have been there and it's not nice. There's no point in feeling selfish because you are depressed. Did you want to be depressed? Not in a thousand years, so why are you selfish. Attitudes towards depression are changing. We see well known entertainers and sportspeople talking about their depression. You may think they can 'get away with it' because they are well known, but in reality it is probably harder for them because thousands of people know about them.

I see your point about having an unavoidable collapse and needing treatment. I suspect that will happen because the pressure to be perfect will burst its banks. It's distressing for others and dreadful to you. So lets take a gentle walk to some options.

Go and see your GP. Have a long appointment. Get a referral to someone your GP recommends. They usually know the best people. Print off your post above and give to the therapist. Write up additional notes if you can. Listen to what is said. Take your time to reply.

Please get back to us.

Mary

geoff · ‎20-06-2017

hello Guest, remember the saying 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away' or when ever you see your doctor you feel fine, until you leave and then bang, whatever illness you have suddenly comes back.
It's common for people who have depression to pretend to everyone that everything is 'fine', it's where we try and cover up any signs of being depressed, I suppose we feel guilty or ashamed to show our family or friends that we have fallen to this illness, and aren't strong enough to resist it, but that's not how it works with MI, because it could happen for any reason or for no reason at all, doesn't matter in some circumstances, but there are definitely times when something awful has happened.
Maybe when your father passed away you thought you could change your life and get rid of your childhood memories that have been hounding you for so long, but it may not be that easy.
To pretend is exhausting because you have to try and keep yourself tuned into what has been said, until eventually you have to stop, so you try and hide.
If you can't open up to your psychologist then there doesn't seem to be any rapport, where you feel confident in discussing what you're depressed about, I know it's always frightening to open up, but you don't have to fully open up, just do it slowly, but if you don't want to do this, then ask your doctor to refer you to another psychologist and perhaps a female psych may make it a bit easier for you, because there seems to be a lot of PSTD here, although I'm not qualified to say. Geoff.