First Steps

OneJob · ‎31-10-2016

I honestly don't know where to start. I have recently admitted for the first time to my wife that I have a problem. I have been silently dealing with Depression for 25 years. I've been married to my wife for 12 of those years. She had no idea...I got very good at hiding my issues. But on a daily basis I had a massive pit of emptiness.

I still can't talk about it. My biggest guilt now is that I have a responsibility to my wife and my kids to seek help. The only reason I finally came clean to my wife was about 6 months ago she was facing issues of her own and asked me for help...I couldn't do it. I was barely keeping my own head above water and had nothing to give. I failed her when she needed me most. I had to come clean to her...I had to give her a good reason why...I couldn't hide it any more. Since then I have really done nothing and gone on ignoring it. She sought professional help and is doing well following her brief slump. Me...Im still denying it all and trying to move on as if nothing is happening.

I can' t talk about it...I'm ashamed, feel worthless, wonder why I can't just deal with life. It's only life right whats the big deal. I feel weak for not being able to cope. I feel weak for not being able to get help. I judge my self so how can I expect others not to judge me if they find out.

I physically can't talk when the subject comes up with my wife. I freeze, my throat closes over, tears swell up and I can't breathe. So I'm taking a different apporach and trying to share on here. Hopefulkly by typing it out I can get the words out that I need to and it will be a stepping stone to being able to talk about it, out loud.

There's so much to my story I want to share but I don't know how. I want to share it all but it just wont come out...

blondguy · ‎01-11-2016

Hello OneJob

Thankyou for the post, and a good one too!

I do understand your pain as I have had depression for a long time. Depression does 'spook' people as we cant physically see whats wrong so we jump to all the wrong conclusions.

Our illness is no different to diabetes or heart disease......it is a serious illness. Ive been on meds for 20 years of my 25 with this common illness. They werent a fix all but do provide a platform on which we can heal more effectively. They kept me at work and took away all those bad lows that come with depression.

Like you mentioned, for you to be a good (and healthy) husband, making an appointment with your GP is crucial right now. If you fell off a ladder and broke some bones....would you feel ashamed? Of course you wouldnt as you can see the plaster and the injury is in your face. Depression is no different to broken bones....they need treatment and time to heal.

You are an intelligent and caring person OneJob. To be the best husband and dad your health is actually first...all other considerations are secondary.

The GP's have much better training than when I was first diagnosed. Please make an appointment 🙂

you have everything to gain and nothing to lose by doing so....

You have more courage than you realise by posting. There are many very kind people on the forums that are just like you and me. If you have any questions or just want a chat, you are more than welcome

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

geoff · ‎01-11-2016

hello OneJob, at first to deal with our own depression is that we hide it from anyone else, because we are scared of the repercussions if other people knew how we felt, as Paul says your health comes first and to hide it for so long would have been terrible.
Yes it is life and it is a concern and you should never feel ashamed, and imagine if one of your close mates said to you exactly what you have said, you would be horrified and want to do anything you could to help him.
This feeling of emptiness means that you find somewhere secluded and then it all falls on top of you, the depression, the anxiety and the guilt and what you feel you should be doing to help your wife and your kids, but you don't have any strength to even know where to begin, which then makes it even worse, so it builds up until you are distracted.
This is being in denial because you don't want to do anything to help yourself, but you know that you should but don't do anything to get help.
What I suggest you do is to write down how you feel on a piece of paper and show it to your wife when the appropriate time comes along, there maybe certain issues you may not want to include, don't worry about that, but the more you write it down may give you someconfidence to be able to talk about it.
If you don't want to do this then when you make an appointment you can show it to your doctor.
You can't suffer any longer by yourself, because you can't overcome any sort of depression by yourself, you need help, which I think you know, however it maybe good to start talking with us online just to gain some confidence, and please remember that all of us have suffered or still suffering from depression of any type for a long time.
Really hope to hear back from you. Geoff.

OneJob · ‎02-11-2016

Thanks guys for the positive comments. As you know it's an up and down kind of thing and I'm feeling much better than when I first posted. Not so scared and a little positive about taking some kind of steps.

I think the biggest thing I'm looking for now is to just share all of the challenges I've faced privately over the years. All the things I've overcome, and the things I haven't, just to have someone understnad what life has been like. I haven't been the perfect person, I've pushed friends and family away, I've lost close friendships and I've prevented new ones forming.

I just want to get it all off my chest. I'm not sure the exact place to do it. I don't think a 2500 character limit will cover it all. But I have made the decision and I am going to try an put into words the struggle I've faced over the years. I'd like to be able to give it to my wife but I don't think it's right ti hit her with it all at once. There's a fair junk revolving around her. Difficult times I had when we've been married that she had no idea of.

But thank you for the positive comments and reenofrcement that I can get help and that I'm makeing the right steps. I willl get professional help, when I'm ready.

blondguy · ‎04-11-2016

Hi Onejob

Thanks heaps for replying and the kind compliments too 🙂

Its always great to hear from a guy that really cares about his life and is prepared to address it, good on you

Even if you just want a chat we are here for you, when you are up to it of course. The forums are rock solid secure for your privacy Onejob.

Have a good weekend too!

My Best

Paul