First Post. Just Struggling. Need Advise

[MattA]

First post here so apologies if I am in the incorrect area.

I'm a 31 year old Male and I've bottled up a lot of this over my life but recently it all came crashing down. I am single, have been all my life. It recently hit me that I am going to die alone if I don't do anything about it. This is what triggered my mental breakdown and why over the last couple of days I've basically eaten nothing, slept, done nothing productive and of course crying to myself.

The problem is, 99% of people my age have at least had previous relationships they've learnt from. I am petrified of starting on the dating apps. The fear of not getting a match and validating that I don't deserve happiness stops me from doing it and me being extremely shy, socially awkward and introverted also doesn't help. I also hate taking photo's of myself as I despise how I look in photo's so I don't have anything to add to my profile. The most recent photo I have that I like is from 5 years ago. Add on top of this I'm still a virgin so I'm terrified of disappointing someone on my first time. I don't think I am afraid of dating itself, it's the fear that no one will actually want to give me a shot. Plus I actually just don't know how to meet people and I don't really hear much good news about the dating apps.

I don't necessarily hate myself but I more hate the fact that I am unable to actually commit to fixing myself. What can I do to gain some confidence in myself? I am petrified of putting myself out there and every time I convince myself to try I setup my dating profile and when it comes to adding pictures I freeze.

Appreciate any help. I don't really have anyone I'm confident in talking to.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

My daughter met her now husband on a dating app and they are very happy. Both teachers, both into computers and dedicated to each other. Dating apps short circuit the searching game, you can pick ones that have similar interests. In the older days (I'm 68yo) you had to date 20 girls to find one that had similar interests. This can lead to marrying the wrong one, such as in my case, thats worse than not marrying at all.

So I believe you should never give up and seek the right person for you. As for never having had a partner, even those that have got such experience, they are still just as nervous as you. The first meeting should ideally be at a common, place that the other person feels comfortable eg maccas. My daughter and her guy spoke for 3 months before an actual meeting. Just remember, the other person might well be looking for your type, someone that hasnt slept around like many do. If you have any humour then the first meeting or communication is the best time to bring it out. The most important thing is to ask questions. On a dating show on TV a girl was asked at the end what she knew about her guy she dined with... "umm, nothing". That's because she never asked him one question, whereas, he asked her many. People like the other person taking an interest in their life.

At 31yo, its too early to begin to worry about finding a partner. Admittedly the chances grow that a potential partner could have children, in that case only date them if you love kids, such nurturing nature is an absolute must. I had a partner, we both had kids to previous partners, she was the jealous type and it never did work, she was jealous of my kids.

Dating apps are now justified as the days of meeting someone in a dance setting is minimal. Girls congregate and dont give off an attitude they want to meet someone, guys like you have low self esteem that makes it hard to ask someone for a dance and then you cant hear them talking anyway- not a good way to meet a genuine potential partner.

You are good enough, you deserve love and to give it, you are not abnormal. Keep telling yourself that and take it step by step.

"Some people dont think they are attractive... but of course they wont, they arent looking through others eyes..."

TonyWK

[Scared]

White knight is right.  Alot of people get nervous because dating is scary.   I had women all over me for most of my life but I was too shy and frankly scared to death of women.  But it all changed when I learnt humour.   Humour can cancel out rejection fears.  If you can laugh at yourself others mostly will like you instantly..   Also another thing you must practice is giving genuine compliments.  My favourite pick up places was at bus stops where I would just say "  hello I really love your hair "  or " hello that dress looks really nice on you"  Dont be creepy about it just a short casual compliment.  Dont be worried if they dont acknowledge you because they too may be shy but trust me they are thinking about your comment all day. If you get used to paying compliments it gets easier to talk to women.  Sometimes they may say to you thankyou and you simply say " your welcome "   You can do this on dating apps too just see a profile and look for a nice thing about them that you can compliment them on.  DONT say things like your hot or youve got great breasts or anything like that.  If someone has a hot body you would say "  your dress looks terrific on you "   So start practising genuine compliments on your local lady in the store and where you feel comfortable .  Also you have to look clean and have pride in your appearance.  Women dont want compliments from grubby disheveled guys.  Clean hair clean clothes body deoderant hair cut that suits you.   When you get good at this girls will remember you.   

[MattA]

If you don't mind me asking. What apps did your daughter use. I've heard nothing but bad news about most if not all of them and adding on top that it's more difficult for men to find matches.