Hi Yendor
I feel for you so much, given the multiple challenges you face. The long term challenge of managing mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression, can be a monumental challenge on top of everything as it can definitely become exhausting. I'm so glad to hear you have such a supportive partner who offers you a sense of support and relief amongst it all. A compassionate and understanding partner definitely makes a difference.
As a 55yo gal who's struggled with mental health challenges since my teens (especially depression), I wish to share with you the most positive mind altering revelation that's ever come to mind for me. While I've had a number of incredibly helpful revelations come to mind over the years, this one is the one that stopped me from believing I was 'broken' in some way: Every depressing or anxiety inducing cycle in my life is presenting to me the challenge of raising myself to a new level of self understanding and/or self development. Whether it's been a depressing or anxiety inducing physical issue, mental issue, soulful issue or a combo at times, when I've come to make sense of it I've graduated through it. Until I make sense of what's going on and manage it, I'll remain stuck somewhere in the cycle. I should add the length of time in the cycle varies. Sometimes it's been weeks, sometimes months. The longest I've ever remained in a depressing cycle was about 15 or so years. The reason the revelation has made such a great difference, apart from me realising I'm not broken in some way, involves the knowledge I can cycle or graduate out of where I'm at. The first question, when I realise I'm in a cycle, is 'What am I being challenged to address at this point in my life?'. The next question is 'Can I work it out on my own or do I need a guide or detective of sorts (someone who can help me detect the issue/s)?'. The next question can be 'Based on how I'm feeling this challenge (physically/mentally/soulfully), what kind of detective do I need to guide me through?'. I suppose you could say it's like a flow chart in a way, offering a process to follow.
With physical issues, such as debilitating low energy levels, I may seek out a GP as my physical detective. Blood work could offer clues. This is how I managed to address the issue of a depressing level of B12 deficiency. My levels were so low I could barely move off the couch. I got to the point where I couldn't even drive a car because my brain couldn't make sense of distance and timing etc. I had another medical detective detect sleep apnea, a condition that can become incredibly depressing. I had another detect silent migraines which were setting off my nervous system, leading to what felt like episodes of panic attacks.
Mental detectives or guides can be good at addressing executive function issues or issues that can relate to a depressing sense of identity, to name just a couple of examples. Skill development and greater self understanding can be the challenge in such cases. Past issues resurfacing, that are now demanding attention, can be yet another factor.
When it comes to the soulful kind of stuff, many would say 'I don't believe in that kind of stuff'. My argument is often 'If something feels soul destroying there has to be a soulful sense of self in order for it to feel soul destroying'. Who we find to help guide us through that particular rabbit hole of self exploration will depend on what we're looking for and how deep down the rabbit hole we actually want to go. Could involve something as simple as 'If I'm a natural born sensitive, what skills, abilities and level of self understanding do I need to gain in order to sense in the ways that serve me (instead of sensing in ways that lead to a kind of hell on earth experience at times)?'.
I'm wondering whether you have some sense of what your current challenge is about. With you mentioning wanting to get back to normal, what feels normal or natural for you? How do you normally or naturally thrive, under what conditions? No need to answer, just food for thought.
