Fighting inner battles

[rubyforrest]

So many attempts to write on her, but it has so far been easier to discard the post, rather then actually posting it. Here goes nothing...
The feeling of helpless seems to return quicker & more vicious. The constant feeling of sinking deeper & deeper is a reality, rather than a figment of my imagination.
Just as I am feeling slightly normal, bam, something comes along to knock me off perch & I am back to where is was before, if not 1 step further behind.
The constant fight & ...battle is both numbing and soul destroying.
Life appears to be getting harder, the constant struggle is real & scary. No real direction to head towards to ease the burden or stress.
The unknown is a dark & shady place. The journey there is a rough, emotional and I am terrified & beyond exhausted.
Constantly thinking, over thinking and reevaluating every thought, is taking its toll on me mentally.
I seldomly open up, to dicuss what is actually on my mind. My ability to hide my feelings & heartache to disguise that I really am not ok, is my own fault. Family and friends are busy within thier own lives to notice things aren't ok. I seem to see my physcologist on upper days rather then downer days yet I feel they are wasting my time by teaching me breathing techniques, so I have ceased all therapy. All I need is someone to talk to who has been through a simular situation, which is almost impossible as it is almost such a taboo topic..
This entire adult gig thing sucks!
Each & everyone of us are fighting our own battles and have demons on different levels but surely there has to be a turning point, where goodnes & happiness can flourish again?

[MsPurple]

Hi Rubyforrest

You piece was well written and it related to me on such a deep level. Thank you

I how it feels to 'hide my feelings and heartache'. Depression and anxiety can make you want everyone to see you are ok when you really are not. I don't know why we have the need to make people think we are Ok. One of my friends who also suffers depression told me one day. "It is ok to not be ok". I remembered becoming teary. We just talk for a bit. We just talked about the stress in our lives and had a really good converstation. I found it really helped me.

It can also be frustrating going to a therapist on your up days. You don't know what to talk about because you are feeling ok that day. For me I found it helpful for me to write what I felt on my down days. What my concerns were etc. For me I would have intrusive thoughts on my down days so when I saw my counsellor 2 weeks later I was able to address this concern. You can also tell your counsellor/therapist/psych (sorry I use these all interchangeably) that you are not wanting to do breathing exercises but you are more wanting to talk and get your feelings out, let them be heard and receive feedback. If this is what you think you need in therapy let them know. I told my mental health nurse that I thought breathing exercises were helpful, but I didn't feel comfortable doing it infront of him and that I wanted to focus on other things I needed to address while I was with him. He was completely ok with this as long as I promised to do deep breathing a few times a week or when I was anxious. Being open with what you think you need is necessary for you to get what you want out of therapy.