Feeling lost and trying to find myself

[Malificent76]

I’ve felt so lost for the last 2 years and struggling to find myself.

hating life At the moment. Love and adore being a mum and love my daughters as much as they can drive me batty, got to love nearly teenagers..

Lost the friendship of my best friend of 10 years, who was like a sister to me... that’s added onto another significant friendship loss a few years earlier.

the ex husband unexpectedly passed away so now I’m my daughters sole parent as much as I was even when he was alive.

due to his death and lead up to it my partner and I had significant issues and still do, added to him now having BPD.

felt so alone in that time as everyone shunned me, tried to talk to friends but that was useless..

now I just want to hide away, frig the world and people in it. Feeling like a fat hefer so that is doing great wonders to my head all on top of trying to figure out my life, the one I’m hating at the moment.

sorry just needed to get that out.

[Croix]

Dear Malificent76~

Don't apologize, you do need to get it out - and this is the right place. Bottling it up simply makes one feel more isolated, something I've been guilty of.

You have not had an easy tine of it, quite the reverse. First you had a marriage or relationship that ended unhappily, though leaving you with your daughters you love.

The break-up would not have been the end of it for any of you, all would have been affected one way or another, you most of all. Even with an ex who was difficult he was there, if only as almost an idea with no actual interaction. Now that has gone and so you do feel more alone -it's only natural.

May I ask how your daughters feel about their father's passing?

Friendship is wonderful when it works, and heart-breaking when it fails. Is there any possibility it can be rebuilt?

Can I also ask what is going wrong with your relationship with your present partner? You did say you had issues. Borderline Personality Disorder is an affiliation that can make relationships difficult - does your partner have any medical support for this? If not do you think it might be an idea?

Actually considering the amout of pressure on you at the moment I'd suggest that you too see your doctor and explain the situation. Life has got to seem better than "hide away, frig the world and people in it".

I'm not just saying that. I have had bouts of depression and constant anxiety for many years, and while now I'm in a pretty good place and enjoy life it was not always so. Competent medical support was a big factor in my improvement.

I did find that even in a life that was horrible sometime I'd be able to have small oases of peace, and try for them every day. I use books and movies, exercise (as much as I'm able) and am lucky in that I can talk and gain care and perspective.

Having something one enjoys to look forward to each day makes a difference.

I've not really done much more than listen, I would like it if you came back and talked more

Croix

[Malificent76]

Thank you for your reply Croix, it’s nice to be listened to. I have needed to vent as I’m bottling so much up as I had tried to voice it to friends but got shut down so it’s made me shutdown but my head is constantly going over stuff trying to figure stuff out and it’s draining.

My life sucks at the moment, wish others were there for me to lift me up as I am there for them, but no that doesn’t happen.

Was a marriage breakup, but through that I changed and became stronger and loved myself more and was just bloody happy. Being a single parent was tough but the unconditional love of my daughters just kept me going, I’m proud as punch of them.

The ex was not a partner or a parent, but him not around anymore and never can be does upset me, not for the loss of him but for the loss of the girls father.

My daughters have been resilient and have coped pretty well with his passing, he hadn’t seen them for 16mths before he got sick. They were shocked and sad when we found out he got sick, the last time they saw him was in hospital. I let them talk about him when they want, they have there moments of sadness, when anniversaries come up im extra vigilant to make sure they are ok.

I had a friendship of 30 years end in 2015 and then my 10year one end in 2018. Both I treated As sisters, I thought we had a bond that couldn’t be broken but was wrong, esp when jealousy of other friendships came into it and also cos they couldn’t treat me like a doormat anymore. No chance to rebuild it as I’m beyond hurt with how I was treated and Shut out.

With my partner, we moved in as a family at end of 2017 with his kids as well, that stress on him and then the ex getting sick pushed him to breakdown, with the ex in hospital a lot of stuff was said and done to me by my partner, through that he was diagnosed bpd. I have been mentally, emotionally, physically hurt by him through it.

he sees a psychologist once a month.

I am open to talking about my issues and problems and tried that with friends but got no real concern or care so I try and deal with stuff myself which I know isn’t helping as I’m shutting off from the world, I find it so hard to trust anymore.

i see a psychologist and also read up on stuff, borrow books from the library and thought posting in here might help.

After I left the ex I was in the best place and mindframe, now everything thing seems and challenge or a chore.

i go to the gym and ride my bike for me time and to zone out but know my heads not in it properly at

[Malificent76]

The moment like it was when I went to the gym years ago..

my head is just tired all the time and I can’t get it to stop thinking or over thinking.

i don’t know how to get out of my rut.

i wish I had someone to say it’s be ok and I’m here for you, I wish I had someone to listen to me, I wish I had someone on my side. I wish I didn’t feel so alone. I wish people would understand more. I wish I wasn’t this depressed, drained, tired, fat person I am at the moment.

thank you again for listening