Feeling anxious...don't know where to start

[Shameful]

Hi ...I can't remember the last time I was without being anxious. I'm full of self doubt and feel like my situation is hopeless and won't change...the saying if u always do what uve always done, ull always get what uve always got comes to mind...that's me self medicating with the pokies to numb the pain of I don't know what...I have a profound self hate that I don't know where it comes from. I am great at self sabotage...when things go right I have to find a way to mess it all up...it's like I'm scared to succeed. Does anyone else do this? I find it hard to live in the moment and enjoy what I know is so precious to me. I'm constantly worried about tomorrow or next week or what will happen next. I don't know where to begin to heal...I've tried meds but they don't seem to do a thing ...and I've tried alot of different ones...they don't quieten the negative voices in my head. I feel awkward and uneasy with myself even though I'm in my late 30s ...I will make a doctors appointment I think ...try to get a mental health care plan done. I've tried counsellors but I don't feel they have the right level of expertise to give me what I need...does anyone else have this experience?

[Arty1]

Hi

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate to what you are saying - my experience with anxiety is very much like yours. I used to feel I was a lost cause too- I'd been like that for so many years I'd figured my brain could never be different.

But it turns out that it can - it is not a fast process and there are setbacks, but for me counselling is helping it change. It took me few test runs to find the person that was the right fit for me (and it took a few appointments to find out if they were right or not) but now I'm working on strategies and am coping better most days. So I think a mental health care plan is a great idea, and if you can tell the doctor all that's going on, they will be better able to find someone with the right expertise to help you.

All the best

Arty

[PamelaR]

Hello Shameful and a very warm welcome to Beyond Blue forums

Life sounds very hard for you at the moment. I remember times like that very well. When I didn't know what was happening. My body held secrets for over 40 years. I also used to - numb my pain by using the pokies and alcohol, self sabotage, scared to succeed. I understand the pain you're experiencing Shameful. It's not a good place to be. And as Arty said above, with the help of a good counsellor things do improve.

I know you don't want to hear this, it takes time to heal. You'll have to find out out what it is that caused all this for you in the first place.

I locked away something that happened when I was 11 or 12. It was only when circumstances arose that my body and my mind felt safe enough to let it out.

I've learnt -

• I can't make my body reveal what is there until it is ready. It holds on tightly. It could be because of - inability to deal with what had happened, and/or I gained the ability to deal with the fall out from remembering.
• remembering was slow. It is also very painful, it's like taking 1 step forward and 5 steps back. Now, I take 5 steps forward and 1 step back.
• finding a good gp and health professional/s helps recovery and healing.
• to become friends with patience. I've never been very patient, still not, though with my recovery and healing I've had to be.
• having an awesome and supportive partner helped. I wouldn't be where I am now without him. No judgment, no pressure, just loads of love, caring and support.
• writing in a journal to record my experiences - what had happened.
• drawing pictures of the pain I felt - great relief that was. I found these drawings the other day and the pain that I went through remembering, jumped out at me.

Do you have someone to talk to? For example, a trusted friend or close family member? I found talking helps.

You're not alone Shameful! It's okay to have the feelings you are having. Life will open up for you. They say life begins at 40 - and I can see why. So there is some good things to look forward once you've done some very hard work, self reflection, rebuilding the self.

I am very pleased to hear you're going to the doctors and thinking about developing a mental health plan - good one. Do you think you could try a psychologist? There are some very good ones, and some not so good. Your doctor can help to put you on to someone who can meet your particular circumstances.

Keep reaching out when and if you want.

Kind regards

PamelaR