Feel I Am Falling Apart

[Cookiebelle]

Hi

I have come here because I feel my life is out of control.  I am an older single mother with an 18 year old son.  I have no support from anyone and never had.   I suffer from anxiety and depression and I am trying to find a nice place inside now he is at University and working. 

I think because I have had so much drama, grief and trauma over the years I now feel totally dead inside.  I only want to sleep/eat/drink...repeat.  I have no partner, no social life, no anything other than cleaning the house and still running around after my son.  He is great but he has been molly coddled by me all of his life and I am still having to ensure he is doing the right thing with Uni and getting up and getting ready for work (and taking him there as he is yet to get his licence).

I have just started a job which I think is going to be good for me if I can find the confidence and gain the skills required.  It is a very responsible role and I am suffering major anxiety thinking I will not be good enough.  That then makes me feel I have to resign and go back to my lonely miserable existence. Which I really don't want to do!

I am not sure what I expect out of this post.  I can assure you all that I have tried everything...every medical professional under the sun..exercise..diet..meditation etc.  I just feel totally hollow and unless I am stuffing myself full of food or alcohol I don't feel right.  It is a terrible way to be. 

Now I have written this I am sensing that this entire situation is around the fact that I have been everything to my son for 18 years and I truly do not know what to do with myself.  I have lost myself.  I am a shadow of the beautiful woman I used to be.  I am old, fat ugly and haggard.  I hate myself.  I am also very sad that the person I used to be has been reduced to what I am now.  Due to my mental health issues (unresolved..not from lack of trying)..lack of family support (indeed dealing with very mean and awful people) and giving everything to my son.  Whom I love and adore do not get me wrong.  Now he is 18 he is almost independent; which is what I have wanted for so long.  But I now feel I am nothing to him. I feel very used by a lot of people and I struggle to make sense of life.  The situations we face nowadays certainly does not help.  I think that the future is very grim for everyone.  Sorry to be a wet blanket and I thank anyone who reads this and can help  me in any small way.  

[geoff]

Hello Cookiebelle, sometimes it doesn't matter how we are feeling ourselves, we hide our feelings from the kids, only to make sure they start the day off by being organised, ready for uni as well as for work but eventually they have to learn to do this by themselves and take responsibility on their own because at some stage we won't be able to do this ourselves.

At his age he should be learning to get his licence and become independent, this certainly doesn't mean that you should feel as though you mean nothing him, of course you do, you have taught him how to be like this, that's what parents are for and during this process we exhaust ourselves, but life is like a pendulum, once we are free we learn to gain strength and if this requires help by someone then please seek it.

Geoff.

Life Member.