Early 30s, female, new chapter

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure how to start this but here we go...

I'm in my early 30s and have made a lot of mistakes. I hope that I get a second chance. Wish I can do better. Want to do better. I feel like I've screwed up so badly by my own hand. Not that it's an excuse but I never had bad intentions,
just dysfunctional and stupid ways of coping.

Avid music lover, paradoxically troubled yet privileged childhood. Childhood scars seep into my relationships and I constantly screw up. Time and time again. Still don't know how to be in functional relationships without either abruptly cutting people out of my life or else, I don't stay but keep almost everything to myself. "I'm fine" is my favourite line. I've blocked more people from my phone than I care to count (some justified and others less so).

At a crossroads. Hoping for redemption and a chance to be a better person. Trying to start a new chapter in my life and be less of a crappy person.

Pepper

[Jimny]

Hi Pepper,

I am new here too, and also starting a new chapter in my life.

One exercise I have felt has been useful when I was in the depth of a depressive episode was I would list three positive things that I was proud about myself for doing each day. These things don't have to be world changing, but can be very elegant and simple activities. These could include ways you were kind to yourself, maybe I made myself a nice coffee, I appreciated the sun streaming into the living room, I said "Hello" to three people on a walk, I patted my dog and he liked it !, etc.

Maybe my post is not very helpful, other than encouraging you seek professional help (which I highly recommend too), I can encourage you to also realize that there is always opportunity to forgive and you have the power to do positive things. Be gentle and kind to yourself, it's a complicated world out there and we do the best we can.

Wish you the best in the road you choose to travel.

[Scott76]

A new beginning! That has got to be a good thing.

What music do you like? I never know how to answer that question. I like music but never enough to think about who I like. I like what's on the radio. Then I buy it on iTunes then I repeat it so much I hate it and then repeat the process,

Three things I've done today that I'm proud about, hmmmm. I tweeted Rob Lowe about his autobiography and he gave me a 'like' LOL, I organised the paperwork for an insurance claim. And I posted on here. Three!

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Jimny,

Thank you very much for you warm welcome and words. Welcome to you too!

It's encouraging to know that there are others out there, like you, who are ready for the next chapter. I like your suggestion to look for 3 good moments or things each day. Sometimes it's the small things that make all the difference.

Self forgiveness? I'm working on that- you hit the nail on the head about forgiveness being a struggle.

I hope you're also being kind to yourself. Thank you once again for taking time out of your day to say hi and leave such kindness on my thread.

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Scott,

Also, thank you to you too for making me feel so welcome. Yes, I'm hopeful. Let's just say it has been a bit of a bittersweet time for me but I'm hoping things shift.

Well done on your 3 things! That's great work. It sounds like you had a productive day.

I like a lot of music. I don't necessarily have a particular music genre that I gravitate towards- it depends largely on my mood and if the music "speaks" to me. I've been listening to Lorde's Perfect Places a lot lately though.

I can empathise with your tendency to listen to the same music on repeat. I'm a bit like that too when I find something new that I like and listen to it till I've worn my poor ears out.

Again, a grateful thank you for your post.

Pepper

[geoff]

hi Pepper, when a song hits the right spot because it may bring back memories that you loved to do or perhaps a time, situation and an occasion that you once hoped to do with someone you were secretly in love with, that's when I replay it several times.
During our life we all trial and error situations, there can never be anyone who is perfect, that's impossible, although some may think they are, and often say how good they are, but to other people we see them making mistakes, and when they don't own up and admit their errors then these people are difficult to stay friends with.
Trust is what you want, and when you cut people off, then somewhere along you have been let down so badly by a friend or family member, and it's not only disappointing for you, but also makes you feel as though you can't rely on anyone for honesty.
I don't believe you need any redemption, but someone who can be a true honest friend, where you can start to build up your confidence. Geoff.

[Peppermintbach]

Thanks Geoff 🙂

I really appreciate the empathetic response. You're far too kind. I think that's the thing about music; there's always something for someone out there.

Yes, about the trust thing, I'm a little commitment phobic when it comes to romantic relationships. Upset me and I bolt. Get too close and I bolt. The common theme is my bolting. I marvel at the people who seem to be able to stay in relationships; I would have probably found some excuse to leave.

Thanks again for your insight and warm post.

Pepper

[Jimny]

Hi Pepper,

Thank you for your welcoming response! I really like the "three positive" exercise because it is I (us/we) that are the main actor in the making the positive actions happen, its a very kind approach. No judgement/criticism of our thoughts, but praise for our positive contribution.

I could not agree with you more, self-forgiveness is hard!! The inner critic can be a loud voice. I think I am learning to tone down the inner critic, and becoming for accepting of things. At the moment, I think this is primarily a result of medication but some previous CBT work certainly helped me bring my self-critical thoughts into light.

Thanks for taking the time to response to my post.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Jimny,

You're most welcome for the welcome. Yes, keeping our eyes peeled for the 3 positives/gratefuls can only be a good thing.

I'm glad CBT is helping- that's wonderful. Yes, totally with you on the inner critic struggle. I try to tell myself that self forgiveness is a lifetime "journey" rather than an overnight "success" story. That mentality is easier for me to preach than practise lol.

Pepper

[White_Rose]

Hello Peppermintbach

I'm glad you have written in here. Join the family. If you can identify and acknowledge the less attractive traits in your character I suggest you are not as bad as you paint yourself. It can be useful to know what presses your buttons, what makes you upset or angry, whether or not you react to quickly, see insult where there is none. It's called being human. I can talk on this subject as I often feel useless and wonder why people want to talk to me.

So I am forced to believe, by this evidence, that I am not entirely bad. It's probably true for you also. Making mistakes comes into the equation as well. Just so long as you don't keep making the same mistakes but try to do better, you will come to realise we are all like that.

Do you feel as though you are depressed or anxious? And is this cause of your being just dysfunctional and stupid ways of coping. If you think this may be the case scroll down to the bottom of the page and click on depression under The Facts. You can complete the K10 test which will give you a general idea. It's not a diagnostic tool but it is useful guide to start with. However, in my untrained opinion you do not sound depressed.

self forgiveness is a lifetime "journey" rather than an overnight "success" story. Well yes and no. When we mess things up it is not often done on purpose. When you can say I did that by mistake you can learn from it. In that sense it a life journey because we all do the wrong thing at times. The 'overnight success story' can also happen when you realise that not everything you do is wrong, and is often very lovely. Once you balance the bits of you that are loving, caring, helpful and all the good verbs you will be that overnight success.

It's when you say "yes but I did ...." and only concentrate on that part of you instead looking at the whole you that you get trapped in this "I am this totally bad person". How about you write a list of of your good attributes and examples where you have done something nice. Start with I want to be a better person, not because you are bad but because you want to help others. You are a good communicator as shown by the above posts and responses to others.

I will leave you to take it from there. Hope to hear from you again.

Mary