Do I stay or leave my husband?

[Hank_Kimball]

Long time supporter first time poster

My partner and I have a retail business together. Its tough and we are barely hanging in...skin of our teeth

Our relationship has always been rocky/patchy and it's now virtually non existent. We dont live together on a daily basis as we have a small aptmt in town and a property ( that we have just sold)outside of town, He lives there( will never stay at the flat) and Im at the flat with our daughter during the week...I dont want to go to the property anymore..but we have dogs that I miss terribly 😞

We work together so we see each other every other day. Sex is off the agenda..without intimacy I cant go there

He's stressed beyond belief re the business and also has some hearing loss in one ear so is becoming extremely anti social. We have no mutual friendship groups anymore ( Im from another state and he is from UK) and nobody invites us to anything now because he never goes..always just me.

I still feel for him but I dont want to stay and be miserable so he isnt?

Confused about my feelings..I wanted to leave him 15 yrs ago and noting has changed. He is a highly intelligent, difficult, controlling man and very uncommunicative. He used to drink a lot and would become aggressive..that has toned down but he's still very difficult to live with.

I thought having the business together may fix things..they did for a bit but I need company and communication otherwise I get disconnected and look elsewhere Not an affair but have been chatting to men online..just chit chat stuff. Dont want a romance just conversation. Its kept my spirits up and off the business

We are also financially stuffed ( technical term) courtesy of the business now and I cant see any bright light .. on the verge of running away Im so unhappy..and I'm a very happy person but not anymore.

He's not talking and neither am I as its all very raw,

ugh..find myself blubbing at the drop of a hat now.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Hank Kimball

Congrats on making your first post and welcome to the bb forum.

I feel for you. It sounds as though you are really torn and in a very difficult position. I can't tell you whether to stay or go but I would like to suggest that you ask yourself a couple of questions that may help your thinking. You don't have to answer them here but it could help me and others to support you if you choose to do so.

I'm wondering why you made the decision to stay 15 years ago? If it was because you loved your husband maybe it's possible to reconnect with those feelings through marriage counselling. In particular, as say "I still feel for him but I don't want to stay and be miserable..."

Given the financial situation you're in and the cost of leaving, these feelings and the enormous emotional upheaval of leaving, maybe marriage counselling is worth a shot. It might be there's a way to make the marriage work without you feeling miserable.

I'm also wondering where hubby is going to live now that you've sold the country property? Is it the thought of him coming to live with you and your daughter that has triggered your feelings that it's time to end the marriage? I know you and hubby aren't talking at the moment but I'd like to suggest that you sit down to really talk through the potential change in living arrangements. He might be feeling as confused as you and the conversation might help to open up a broader discussion of what to do next.

Kind thoughts to you

[Hank_Kimball]

Hi Summer Rose

You're right. Talking about things always helps. It's tricky when you feel very raw. I'm angry with him, I know it and I shouldnt be but we are in a very dire situation financially on top of everything else.

extremely overwhelmed with no family or friends close by to talk to.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Hank Kimball

It's okay to feel angry. It sounds like you have plenty of good reasons. But you don't want this to be all consuming. You're going to need a clear head to deal with the challenges ahead and care for your daughter.

When I'm overwhelmed I usually head straight to a warm bath. You need a good dose of self care,whatever that looks like for you, my friend.

I also often go and see my GP. Sometimes we just talk and she reminds me to breath. Sometimes she can help with sleep aides or a recommendation to talk to a counsellor. I've done this twice in the past 10 years to get through difficult situations.

No matter the outcome, I always feel better after talking to her. Maybe you could pop in to see your GP?

I also find I think best in the early morning, before kids get up and work takes over. Pick a time that works for you and try to break the situation down into manageable chunks. Deal with one issue at a time.

Does this make sense to you?

[geoff]

Hi Hank, I'm sorry to hear that isn't working out well for you.

If you and your partner are unable to have an intimate relationship is because you don't have an emotional one, this is what's needed, however, working together makes the whole situation much more difficult.

This will change as we get older and while still being emotionally attached there are other interests that replace the physical side, such as gardening.

As the appartment in town has been sold a decision may have to be made and can I suggest you contact Anglicare who maybe able to sort all of this out for you and head you in the right direction.

My wife and myself could not work together, sometimes we were put into a position where we had to, but our opinions were different.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Best wishes.

Geoff.