Depressed husband confusing me

Ali17 · ‎05-03-2019

Hey guys, really in need of some advice please. My husband has depression and it’s quite bad, I mean any form of communication with how he feels is you could say no existent. All I ever get is I don’t know, I’m sorry I can’t answer anything.

We’ve been married for 3 months so this is where I’m at a hard place, let me start off by saying this guy is the sweetest most loving guy, he would always put me first and was the one that caught for our relationship meaning he would be the one to fix things or try to make things better when we argued. Now moving onto now he’s so distant he tells me he doesn’t feel anything not even for the kids.. for nothing.

Plus he’s been doing a lot of things out of character for him, and towards me

in one breath he will tell me it’s not me it’s not my fault and that he loves me but in the next it’s that I’ve pushed him away because of the arguments and that he doesn’t know how he feels about me or anything

I ask him things all the time about us he can’t ansfwer them and really every response is almost different than the last

it’s becoming so hard for myself to manage my everyday life because I feel so heartbroken and lost and I really don’t know what to do, he is my world we have always had a good relationship and now this is coming between us

I try to support him and be “normal” towards him but I don’t know what that is anymore really

he’s said a lot of hurtful things and it’s weird because it’s like he doesn’t feel anything can’t answer anything but as soon as he says something so hurtful like the last time he said he didn’t love me like he used to anymore he doesn’t feel a connection or he leaves for the night or days and doesn’t come home it’s like when I react with anger and hurt something inside him is triggered and he tells me it’s not me he loves me he’s sorry doesn’t want to hurt me that it’s just his head..

can someone please give me some advice

he tells me he loves me all the time but than tells me he doesn’t feel love for anything and when he does it’s not the same as before. I’m lost here

Soberlicious96 · ‎05-03-2019

Hi Ali17,

I too had a similar experience to what you describe. It was, for myself and my (now ex) husband a very slow gradual decline into a non-existent relationship. And for us too, it began quite soon after we were married. I became more and more confused as time went on ...... because he had seemed like a different man before we got married.

Then I had a career change and began working in disability support and began learning about Autism and Asperger's syndrome. And in my head were all these 'alarm bells' going off. I kept thinking "That's my husband! That's my husband!" but he never, EVER wanted to know about it. I tried and tried talking to him and his response was always "I don't know." or even a lot of times I was met with a blank stare, void of all emotion.

More recently than that I learned of another condition called Alexithymia. It's a condition which causes a person to be sort of 'emotionally blind' as such .........

Now please note, I am NO expert on relationships or anything really. Only qualifications I have are Printing & Graphic Arts, textiles, and a Diploma in Community welfare! I repeat, I am NOT a relationship expert. All I have is my own experiences, and I just wanted to say that I hear you. I feel your pain, and I want you to know that YOUR thoughts and feelings are as valid and real as the words on this page.

You may not be able to help him, but at least you have reached out here for yourself. And it may also be worthwhile ......... just as a suggestion ...... to maybe get some more help for yourself, face to face and additional to here on BB, yeah? Also, maybe suggest to your husband that you guys could get some counseling together.

I do hope you get at least some answers soon. And/or that things improve. I wish you all the best and will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. xo

Ali17 · ‎06-03-2019

Thank you so much for your reply! I just don’t understand at all, is this normal in depression? I’ve been reading a lot about depression and a lot of people in similar circumstances. Do you mind me asking if you left the relationship it was it your husband?

i don’t know really he was so in love with me and now he’s like an empty vessel, I mean on the good days he tells me he loves me all the time, sends me nice messages and is affectionate you know like calling me baby and everything else seems genuine, but on the bad days it’s like the complete opposite he’s just shut down and not there.

And when I say something triggers him I mean he says things like he doesn’t love me, he’s only said that once or that I push him away and he leaves for the night or days on end and doesn’t call or message me but than when he gets home or after he’s said these things he’s crying saying he’s sorry that he doesn’t mean it his head is just messed up and all the rest saying he loves me and everything.

He was never like this, he was so loving and my best friend he was the one that would sit there and be heartbroken even sometimes crying if we had an argument. He was 10000% on me not one doubt in his mind about me and now he’s so down in himself and I don’t know what to do

xx

Soberlicious96 · ‎07-03-2019

Hi Ali17,

I wouln't like to comment on what is 'normal' or 'not normal' for depression, as I am not a professional in that area. I simply have had what seems to be a similar experience.

In the end, my husband basically asked me to leave. Said he couldn't live like that any more, with us being so disconnected. Looking back, one of us had to do something because we were so stuck in limbo ......

I will never look at him as a bad guy, nor me a bad person ..... we just stopped being able to connect on any level.

Anyway ..... I don't know what else to say at this stage, except keep reaching out and talking to people. Look after yourself at least, and please do consider getting some face-to-face professional help.