Confused about what I’m dealing with

[Claydo]

Hi there

I’m new to this forum and have read some interesting things here about what people are dealing with so I thought I might give it a try.

Ive been dealing with anxiety and depression for over two years. I’ve seen psychiatrist and psychologists who tell me different things and either throw more pills at me or tell me to try breathing exercises. I’ve been told I’m on the spectrum for bipolar (whatever that means) or I have an anxiety disorder depending on who I talk to. I’m on meds which I think are working as I do feel better than I did a year ago when I had a massive meltdown at work which scared me as I never had experienced something so out of control or crippling.

My main problem is I have thought I had a serious neurological disease due to physical symptoms I experienced which I now know I don’t, but now I experience intense emotions of depression and anxiety and at times think I’m going crazy or I’m sick in the head and I’ll never get better. I do wonder how this happened to me as I was always unbreakable and could handle anything. I guess we all have our breaking point.

it’s a struggle and just when I think I’m on top of it bang it hits me again. I keep picking myself up and moving forward as I have a family that need me and a Job that pays the bills. I keep telling myself things will get better but I’m not sure they ever will.

Anyway that’s me and I kind of feel better about putting it out there.

[WhiteBear]

Hi Claydo,

Welcome. You're not alone.

I’ve suffered from depression on and off over the past 20 years. I remember a family member once saying to me that I was clinically depressed. At the time I dismissed it, and instead saw it as a personal attack. Since getting better I’ve realised that my mind was completely clouded during that time. I saw that my negative thoughts were a personality trait, which would be impossible for me to change. I believed it was who I am. I was a deep thinker.
One major thing you need to look for is do you struggle to find pleasure in anything? Or are you going through an extended period of complete helplessness?

It was only last year I managed to get onto the road of recovery. I realised I was a materialist. I was constantly analysing and looking for external material things to make me happy. Sometimes I would find happiness, but it was short lived. At one point I was so unhappy that I found no joy in the things that usually made me happy. Mainly due to the fact that my negative thoughts took over, and I determined that the happy times wouldn’t last anyway.

I discovered that true happiness could never be found in the external material world. Due to being a materialist and letting the associated negative thoughts take over my mind, I was making myself miserable. My negative thoughts were not real, and very rarely came true. True happiness is the present moment, without analytical thoughts. I am constantly practicing to quiet the mind. 20 years of deep thinking can never be cured in a few months. It’s marathon not a sprint.

It was only when I started meditation every morning that I started to quiet the analytic mind. I highly recommend you look into meditation yourself.

Hope that provides some guidance during this hard time. Stay strong and always remember you're not alone.

All the best

WB

[Claydo]

Thanks for the response White bear.

Im somewhat of a deep thinker too and find it hard to let things go and disconnect which is a big part of my problem. I’ve had periods where I’ve struggled to find joy in things and wonder what the point of everything is.

I’ve found meditation has been useful but have been off and on with it. What meditation practice do you use?

i find my moods jump around a lot from anxiety to depression to normal. I often wonder if I should change my job to reduce my stress levels but get caught up in the need to prove myself and the material things that come with a high income.

Thanks for the advice I appreciate it.

[WhiteBear]

Hi Claydo,

I highly recommend you do a google search on Dr Joe Dispenza. This guy has completely changed my life. His meditations on his web site are amazing (https://drjoedispenza.com/). I use his guided meditations every morning. After 6 months of doing this I've experiencing some truely amazing spiritual experiences. I now know that the spiritual world is more real than the material world. A lot of people dismiss this way of thinking, and believe it acts more like a placebo for your depression. You know what, it works, so who cares if it's a placebo.

Watch some of Dr Joe's youtube videos, go to his website and sign up for his online course, and download the meditations from his website. He has also written a number of books that you can purchase from amazon.

Best of luck and get ready for the river of change!