Chain smoking, pure rage, and other terrible tactics.

[Ziggy_Stardust46236]

Ive been deliberating over posting something online, surfing the web and looking for answers, reading other peoples stories to hopefully find someone out there going through the same thing. Im not even sure ill hit post, but im going to type it out anyway and see what happens.

It all started with school, I had a terrible run with all my schools. What the hell right I dont even live in a knarly place, but I was a different sorta kid so i suffered heavily. I had bouts of depression after my first girlfriend told me (lied) she was pregnant and i was only 16. She manipulated me against my family and I even hated my own mother for a long time. I got outta that unscathed some how. I felt that at this stage i was just waiting for something terrible to go wrong, like thats all i expected from life.

In 2012, my best friend was killed. I cant tell you how good this dude was to so many people, he was truely the most wonderful person in the world to me. I wish you could have seen his funeral, it was at that stage i realised how many peoples hearts he had touched within his life. I think there was about 500 people there. I had never met most of them.

About a year later I hit the deck rock climbing and dislocated my knee, then after recovering for a year or two I had a mountainbiking accident, hitting a tree and fracturing my spine in 7 places (traansverse processors, so im not paralysed) and it was the most physical agony ive ever been through, I was found face down not breathing by my mate luckily soon after the incident. After suffering from insomnia for the following 3 years all of my pain has "crescendo-ed". My partner through life, she has been with me for ten years (we met in high school) I have just married her. We have now been married since october 1st, and I came home an afternoon about a month ago to her in tears on my bed telling me that she has kissed another man, and still has feelings for him.

To this day, I have never experienced so much pain mentally, socially and physically until my beloved shoveled this onto the floor in front of me. I really need to speak to someone. But not just anyone, someone who isnt going to hit me with text book bs. A serious pro in this field. Thank you to those who have read this.

[blondguy]

Hey Ziggy Stardust

Welcome and great choice of album too

There is no text book BS here on the forums. They arent allowed to post here..just people like you and I Ziggy

The forums are a judgemental free zone Ziggy...There are many people suffering the same as you on here though

I can see a world of hurt and pain...you must be very strong to be able to post on here about it.

You have a ton on your plate with the loss you have suffered with your mates and your health

Can I ask you when the last time you have had any counselling? Sorry....just being like yourself...a straight shooter

Ive had chronic anxiety and then depression for about 30+ years....and still see a counsellor and my GP for support....

I understand your anguish and whats happened with your wife....I think the words Oh Crap....may be the understatement of the decade.

you are not alone here Ziggy

Paul

[White_Rose]

Dear Ziggy

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am so very sorry to read your story and learn about your unhappiness, but thank you for telling us. BB has many people, all with different stories as you have noticed. People will respond to your thread, some with similar stories and others with different lives but all wanting to support and help you.

It must have been very hard to learn of your friend's death. Having lost friends, though not through murder, I can understand your pain. You sound a very active sort of person with your rock climbing and mountain biking. I can only imagine your relief to find you were not paralysed, although in great pain.

Did your wife also join in these sports? Ten years is a long time to be together having begun as school sweethearts. Has she known this other man long? It would have been incredibly painful to be told she had kissed someone else. Are you still together? Do you want to separate or will you try to heal your marriage? And what does your wife want to do?

The people who post here are not mental health experts. We each have our own stories and experience, which we share with others, offer support and talk about what has helped us on our journeys. I think it is a wise decision to look for help. Sadly we do not think clearly in pain so having an objective observer is very helpful.

Unfortunately we cannot make recommendations about mental health experts either. You can approach organisations such as Relationships Australia for counselling. This does not require a referral from your GP. Alternatively you can talk to your GP about the sort of person most appropriate to meet your needs and be guided by him/her.Your GP will be able to point you to a psychologist or psychiatrist and refer you to them.

Finding someone you 'click' with is a bit of a hit and miss process. I have been fortunate to have a great GP who I trust, is prepared to tell it like it is and refer me to the people she believes are appropriate in all fields, not just mental health. Talk to your GP and see what advice you are given. You should also talk about your previous bouts of depression. Print out your post and take it with you to the GP.

In your thread title you comment about chain smoking, pure rage and other terrible tactics. Can you tell us a little more about this? It sounds as though you find them significant in some way to your current situation. I am sorry I cannot offer an immediate solution to you. Now out of word allowance.

Mary

[Yoga_has_changed_my_life]

Hi Ziggy Stardust

I read your story and felt like helping out.

you sound 🔊 highly intelligent so if you need to look for answers then do it. I've had so much trauma in my life and I'm still standing strong (sometimes) it's very very hard.

The more you search the more you become confused 😐 so know I research and I'm writing a book and hosting an event.

this world is not going to change but one person at a time we can help each other.

Its so so hard to let go of the rage. I get it. What do you like to do? Just do more of that.

Iove me

[Yoga_has_changed_my_life]

Also re your wife she obviously told you because she cares about you duno why she was crying maybe because she feels guilty. I have a lot of built up anger and my husband at times emotionally breaks down its hard but the best thing to do is talk to her calm when ur ready. But in the meantime talk to Someone u trust here or a GP or a GOOD psychologist or even a GP who is a natural GP too. Also go on rate my md before you see anyone it will save u time. Hope this helps I also listen to podcasts of inspirational people some are DJs some are others who suffer from what I have. Whatever that is 👍🏽 Keep being so strong and watch out how many smokes ur having xx

[Ziggy_Stardust46236]

G'Day blondy,

I love David Bowie, glad you share the same interest in his music my friend.

So lovely for you to reply to my story. I kinda just took a peek in my emails and saw that you had responded and thought "well thats surprising that someone said something". 'Not sure why I felt that way but i did. Ive gotta say reading everyone's replies brought little man tears to my eyes. Im not used to the internet being a place of support.

You sound like the kinda person that if I ever met, I would be seriously inspired. Congratulations on living through such adversity and some, all while taking the time to post on my message. I find that uplifting in itself.

The last time I saw a Councillor was for some pretty serious accusations and blame cast on me within a workplace (wrongfully) and i needed to have a professional debrief the whole situation for me. She was alright acutally, kind of like a mother. But I guess this has blown way out of the realm of workplace blackmail/bullying, this is a lot different, and Ive tried to see Councillors directly about depression previously to this, and my word they made me feel like I was talking to a year twelve graduate with an interest in peoples problems (and at times they wished to share their own with me, drawing comparisons). I guess im a little too exhausted to share my story with someone so intimately and once again land no where.

Regardless of my feelings, I have received a referral for a doc local to me. I understand that I will need to adopt a higher level of emotional intelligence in order to overcome this chapter of my life. Its funny that such an event has me feeling like I have finally gone through some kind of "right of passage" and come of age finally as a man. But at what cost it my only concern.

[Ziggy_Stardust46236]

Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to talk to me.

I am really not sure what I want to do with my wife, as she is retracting into a shell of anxiety, guilt and depression of her own after what she has done. I fear that she may be doing this to merely avoid blame and accusation.

Because of her responsiveness towards the situation, I find myself having to initiate every conversation, even asking her questions such as "Do you even want to fight for our relationship?". Only upon promting her with these questions does she respond with "I want to fight for our relationship". We have both voiced pretty clearly that we want to stay together, but I am not so sure sometimes. Directly after this event, I discovered messages between them, the other man professing his love, and my wife replying with "thank you". That actually cut me up harder than anything else in my life. We had to go on a honeymoon together two days after it happened, what a catastrophe. I have never been in so much pain and agony in my life. As you can probably tell, I cant even decipher my own thoughts and words. I have no idea what is best for me at this stage. Thats why I just want to seek help, try to get back into shape physically and carry on with my life, whether it be with or without the love of my life.

You comment on my title, I guess this is me paying homage to how I have dealt with this situation thus far on my own. Terribly. I want to break everything around me, I have been chain smoking and sobbing through the nights where I cant bare to lie next to my own wife because my impulses outweigh my true feelings towards her. Complete and utter despair and confusion.

Disclaimer, I would never harm anybody. In fact I plan to do the opposite as a career (paramedic). Its just about the only thing ive got going for me at the moment, I just got into the course and I cant wait to start.

[Ziggy_Stardust46236]

You are such a wonderful person to take the time to respond to my story. Thank you.

Im chuffed that I sound intelligent, I truly wish I knew how to feel, behave and where to walk from here, but I have no freaking clue. I feel like the most romantically challenged adult in existence right now.

Im going to see someone soon, although I carry trepidation in doing so, I will do it as i know it is the only way to start rebuilding.

I truly believe she feels terrible about what has happened, and that it was a mistake. But after all that has been said and done, I can clearly see that she no longer desires me and that I have allowed some other man to value her time more than I have been. I do not blame myself for what she has done, it is entirely ridiculous and cruel to cheat on your husband two days before your honeymoon, but I can see clearly why it turned out the way it did. I am crushed by humiliation and anger. The only thing that drives me forward now is my hatred for my situation, I just spent all my money on a new boxing bag, i figured it was the best thing i could do for myself right now - get fit AF and release all my negative energy not into a person but an inanimate object.

[blondguy]

Hi Ziggy! Thankyou for the heartfelt and kind compliment and a ripper of a response

Thanks for posting back. Congrats to you for getting into the course to be a Paramedic. Well done to you 🙂

I dont blame you for feeling hatred for your situation at all. I am just too lazy for hatred...it takes way too much energy away and brings me too far down....but thats just me. You have been through so much Ziggy.

The forums are a judgemental free zone that have many kind people that can be here for you. Whether its anything specific or if you are stuck and just want to vent or chat. Healing can take time...finding the counsellor you 'click' with does take time.

Yoga was spot on, you are an intelligent person. You also have a kind heart Ziggy

It would be great if you could stick around 🙂

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Yoga_has_changed_my_life]

Hi Ziggy

I am so so so so so happy you replied to my comments.

Im also super excited to hear you brought a boxing bag #amazing!!!! #yes!!! It's better to do something with the energy you have. Like you I've been hurt and embarrassed. 8?3 had "friends" tell people my story without my consent and like you I have a lot of anger and rage.

ive been abused, I won't go into it here but it wasn't once and it wasn't just one person. I've let people take advantage of me... the abuse started when I was three and I remembered when I was mid twenties.

Exercise, sing, dance and feel comfortable talking with the right people. If it doesn't feel right don't waste your time. I get more enjoyment talking to people on BB than to my dr's as it's very clinical.

I speak to a counsellor now she's amazing with no b/s we laugh.

I had some advice for you. Don't be the victim anymore. Just don't. And please be careful when you are boxing. Find a gym buddy and if you can't find one just rely on yourself. We are our own worst enemies. Like you I'm a cigarette smoker and I know it's bad but right now it keeps me from loosing it at my husband or someone else. I'm learning to be assertive and silent.

My haters wont won't know what hit them. Let me be clear I don't do it for them I do it for ME!

This lady clearly mad a huge huge mistake. I always think if you love someone your love will be able to get through anything however sometimes that is not always the case! All the best intelligent one! Lol

im off to Yoga now to sweat it all out.

Keep us posted id love to hear your success story!

Cheers

Yoga Girl