Brand new but feeling all out of everything

BetterDays · ‎07-09-2016

Hi all,

This is just an introduction post. Just been struggling the last few days (more than usual) and decided to try and take some steps and try and learn from other people going through similar things. I posted in the welcome thread, but only because it seemed like the thing to do. To be honest, I really don't know if these forums are going to be of any help, but I'll try anything to get myself back. I'll try to keep this brief, but I'm a wordy person! Sorry in advance.

So, just a brief history as a means to capture the basics of where I'm at, why (sorta? I still don't necessarily understand) and what I've tried over the last few years:

* Up to 2012/2013, I was generally very happy, jovial, high energy, smacked problems head on, went out with friends, loved my job, was doing great.

*Mid 2013 I was diagnosed with HIV, unexpectedly. Hit me like a truck. I started medication regime immediately, engaged in counselling with a qualified psychologist that worked with my doctor, went to about 6 sessions to deal with the change in circumstances and all that I felt it represented. Worked my way through that and thought everything was on track, albeit a bit shaky. Gradually I just got more down and more down, lost interest in lots of things that usually I enjoyed (reading, gaming, movies, going out with friends, my job). My work gave me 6 months off and during that time I tried to adjust. Thought I'd done it, went back to work, crashed hard. (HIV is completely under control, last testing zero copies of the virus in my blood, so health is fine).

*The last 3 years have been pretty much up and down like a yoyo. I contract to my work now after an amicable arrangement. Mostly I work from home (my work is technical/IT/online).

Ok, so that's the quick backstory to hopefully capture a picture of where I'm at and what I've been dealing with. What have I tried?

* Regular exercise (weights and walking, now just walking because I just can't be bothered with weights, I don't see the point)

* I'm on medication for depression

* I've tried therapy (2 different therapists, and while they were good, I just didn't get much out of it aside from theory, empathy and mental exercises that I tried and don't seem to really work).

I'm at a stage where I feel like this is going to be the rest of my life. I don't want it to be. I want to go back to how I was before, but there's no way to get there. I try to move forward, but I just feel stuck and a failure.

Fairywings · ‎07-09-2016

Hi there and welcome. Glad to have u join us xx im sorry u have been thru a bit of a whirlpool in life. In terms of our illness it is one that is going to be with us for the rest of our lives we can combat this by trial-and-error of what things work for us to try and manage on a daily basis. Start to keep a journal writing things out is better than keeping them locked away. Walking is a great distraction music has always been a favorite of mine taking walks along the beach now with the warmer weather approaching it will be easier to get out amongst nature and embrace the beauty of it xx spring is a beautiful time of yr. You have to fight the monstersin ur head practice will make perfect as u become stronger within urself those feelings are only get weaker I hope you have found some comfort in my response please do keep in touch with us xx Venessa

BetterDays · ‎08-09-2016

Thanks Fairywings. I guess that's part of my struggle - coming to terms with the fact that this IS going to be with me the rest of my life. I do try every day to do the things you suggested, and I do get success, it just never seems to provide release. It's like holding back a wall of rocks, sort of - I know if I keep shuffling the rocks (which I see as walking, exercise, focus on positives, remind myself of the good stuff, talk to people) the wall won't cave in, and I can keep the negatives at bay. Just some days I feel like that's all I can manage - make sure the rocks don't jostle about so much they cave in and crush me. Then the guilts start!

I think the journal writing is a great idea. I haven't tried that, but I will, starting today. Thank you, I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

I'm guessing you go through similar things - can I ask you how you try to change your thoughts and shove all the yuck to the side to get on with things? I guess I'm trying to figure out what other people do, how other people think, who go through similar things, when they wake up in the morning and just take that deep breath and go "oh god... again...". My first step is to always remind myself today's fresh, it'll only be really crappy if I let it, so I have to get up and eat something. I try to focus on just those two things only to start with. But is there something better I can do?

Fighting it all the time is so draining !! 😞

Really appreciate your response, too. Thank you.

Fairywings · ‎08-09-2016

Thanks for coming back to me xx yes i find that a helpful strategy i talk my anxieties out of my head and when I wake up i always start my day with this positive affirmation its beautiful that I am alive today time to spread my wings and fly. Xx im glad that u like the journal idea. It takes time sweetheart just don't stop believing in yourself u r already doing the right things xx and its important not to be too hard on urself when i feel little bit of a whirlpool coming on i dive in head first deal with it shake it off the best way i know how and move forward. Yes fighting it is very tiring xx but I assure you as time goes on it does get easier xx