That's okay, Wilba, I came to talk & listen myself. 😸
My avatar, that's Mekitty, my cat, who I had for seven years. I struggled with thinking I had not cared for her as well as I could, had not noticed early enough that sh was becoming ill, let alone how serious it was until the night she died. She had suddenly, as far as Icoul dtell , had become very ill, & I got her to the vet, where she stayed overnight, & died before I saw her again.
Eventually, after autopsy, the Vet explained how her condition couldn't have been predicted, even by himself. Way in the back of my mind I still think I should have noticed something, that I should not have been so distracted by my own sudden loss of hearing in one ear. I know, this sounds awfully harsh even to my own mind, but that was what I felt, & it still echoes back there.
I never loved any creature more before. I loved her when I first saw her on RSPCA's website. I knew that little ginger kitten was Mekitty.
So, I expect to miss her, sometimes more than others, but I think by maintaining a version of her in my life, including here on BB, as my avatar & as a sort of fictional character in some fun threads, she lives on & I celebrate her. I haven't 'lost' her in my heart. & now a lot of people know she lived than ever did before.
About the writing. I wrote thousands of pages. I kept a journal, & I wrote poetry, later I began writing prose & fiction. Much of it incorporates deepest thoughts, feelings & memories. Some is more fictionalised while some is hugely autobiographical. For me, the first place to start was deciding to be as honest & truthful as I could, no censoring anything. (Though I made mistakes while writing & had to scribble & correct asap to go on). It is not easy, messy, & often illegible. I never wanted to read the journals. I want to move my writing into the other directions, to write better. I always start with uncensored first thoughts. Just let it happen.
Often we feel life always has been & will always be what we feel now. My life, 60+ years of it, tells me otherwise.
In preparation for horrible events we can learn to be shaken but not broken
& Wilba, I'm so sorry for the many losses in your life. Losing Mekitty & the death of a childhood friend might not compare with your grief, but I feel I do have some empathy. I know of others here, who will, too.
mmMekitty
