Any advice on dating with mental health issues, particularly depression?

Alex_F · ‎07-07-2019

I'm a 19-year-old male with ASD, ADHD-C, ODD and severe depression for which I have just been prescribed a new anti-depressant (an SNRI). I'm waiting until I hit the 4-6-week mark to see some positive effects, but at the moment, I'm still terribly depressed.

Here are some of the reasons I'm depressed, according to my psychologist:

No job
Not currently studying
No intimate relationship
No friends
I don't eat or drink properly
I don't exercise

I have been longing for a romantic relationship for a while, but I'm hesitant to start dating. This might be my depression talking, but not only am I average looking, I am additionally a carrier of some pretty bad genes, which isn't particularly attractive. Plus, I don't know what girls will think of me or whether they'll even like me. Almost all the girls I've ever known have been very happy, girly -- you know, very neurotypical -- average IQ and it seems like they're only into tall and hot guys, and I'm neither.

Point is, should I bother trying to find love if I'm at the bottom of the dominance hierarchy? Speaking in terms of biology and evolution, I'm not a very attractive mate.

And if I do, should I tell them about my disorders or hide them?

Maybe I'm feeling desperate because I don't know what it feels like to be loved by someone. Or to mean the world to them.

😞 😞 😞

Thoughts?

Cheers.

geoff · ‎08-07-2019

Hi Alex, and welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry you have been diagnosed with these conditions and we hope that your AD has a positive effect on you and these 6 points you've made are there any of these that you could attempt to change, knowing that you're still depressed, like walking around the block or going to the gym, once a week and then building up to do it more frequently.

Finding some romantic love will certainly improve you're well being and remember there is always someone out there for someone else.

Let us know how you are getting on.

Geoff.

Lemmy · ‎08-07-2019

Hi Alex F. total non expert here, just a forum lurker. I just wanted to share something i have read (or heard cant remember) that has helped me through some rough patches in life dealing with depression.

Don't let the depression convince you that you need to wait to feel happy to do those changes in life. even if you don't feel like it -do it anyway. Getting some control back over those points you raised can be easier than they seem. Write down those things and list ways you can improve them, having them writeen down not floating around in the head can be a way to release the stress and worry of them. excersise- i have started doing a 30minute walk around the suburbs, i found a nice park i can visit and do a few laps around, nothing strenuous but i try to do it in the morning as one of my first things of the day, it can help with setting a routine up. Also for eating - having a list of meals you want to eat that week and setting about having the right ingredients to have on hand to cook, and having it all written down - cross it off as you make it. again i found this method helped release some of the internal stress of it all. once its out of my head i can focus on other areas in my life and not have to worry about them.

Finding a relationship you will be happy in without focusing on being happy with yourself first can be hard, maybe work on the things you desire to make yourself more comfortable with yourself as the first step?

just some thoughts to get the conversation rolling 🙂

romantic_thi3f · ‎08-07-2019

Hi Alex_F,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being here. I'm glad that you were able to open up about what's going on and why your psychologist thinks your depressed.

I absolutely think a lot of what you're saying might be the depression talking. A big part of depression is that it knocks our self-esteem and makes us feel worthless, and I see that in your post how you're feeling like girls won't be into you, or being at the bottom of the dominance hierarchy.

I think it's worth trying to remember that attractiveness is relative too - what some girls won't like, others will. It's a bit of a thinking distortion to think that you're somehow 'at the bottom'.

I also agree with the other members that if you were able to work on those six reasons, it would impact your mood - and then change the way that you see yourself and what it might be like getting into relationships.

Hope this helps,