Anxious and lonely mum and job-seeker

Betty1934 · ‎20-06-2017

Hi, this is my first time here. I have joined because I have had problems with anxiety for about the last 7 years and it is getting worse and I need some advice on what to do. It's mainly social anxiety - I have always been shy and introverted and moving a lot as a kid and as an adult has not helped - but I get generalised anxiety too. I am nearly 40 and have moved 5 times in the last 7 years due to my husband's work. We moved again 6 months ago but my husband is working away and our kids are all at school so most of the time I am alone. I often feel highly stressed and like I want to cry. I get anxious about going out anywhere. I sit at home all day getting anxious about the fact that I haven't done anything with my day but I get so overwhelmed thinking about what I should do that I can't get motivated or focus on any task. I end up just watching TV because I don't know what to do with myself. Even something like ringing up to make an appointment with the hairdresser or physio gives me anxiety. I am looking for work but having only had short-term jobs off and on over the years I am finding it hard to find a job and just the process of looking at job ads on the internet causes my anxiety to flare up. I saw a counsellor a few times but she wanted me to go out to businesses and ask for work, which is something I just can't bring myself to do. I feel really useless and like I can't talk to anyone about this. My own mother has even commented "what do you have to be stressed about." I talk to my husband and he is supportive but he just doesn't really understand anxiety.

beingbyrne · ‎20-06-2017

Oh Betty....I really feel for you. I used to feel exactly the same when I was in my early 40's. Medication helped me.

Have you seen a doctor about this?

I'm having a bad day myself today a bit anxious and depressed, sorry if I'm not much help, but good on you posting. There are so many lovely supportive people on here, I'm sure someone will be more helpful than me.

Welcome to the forum Betty

JessF · ‎20-06-2017

Hello Betty, welcome here as well. I just wanted to pick up on the bit you wrote about going into businesses to ask for work. It is a daunting thing to think about, isn't it? It sent the butterflies up for me as well, and I think for me it would be the fear of rejection and looking like a fool that would set me off. That reminded me about something I heard about at the weekend on a podcast, a funny idea called 'rejection therapy'.

I heard this interview with a man called Jia Jiang (you can google rejection therapy and his talk will come up). He was so afraid of rejection, that he decided to do an expeirment for 100 days where each day he would appraoch a stranger and ask something for which the answer would almost certainly be no, like "can I borrow $100".

The idea was to desensitise him to the pain of rejection, and one of the intersting side effects of this was that occasionally where he was expecting a no he actually got a yes.

Most of the time in life we're far more likely to come against a 'no' than a 'yes', and a lot of overcoming the fear of rejection is about seeing 'no' as just another step on the pathway to an eventual yes rather than something to take personally, or paralyse you from taking further action.

I'm not suggesting that the rejection therapy is something that you try, but I think the idea is interesting and his talk gives a fresh perspective, and I read from your post that you feel crippled at the moment by feeling like you are doing nothing. What do you think?

Lolojack · ‎20-06-2017

Hi Betty,

I truly understand what you mean. I too suffer from anxiety and I'm roughly the same age. Because of workplace bullying I lost my dream job just before Xmas when I developed depression because of my children being critically ill. I hit rock bottom and couldn't even go to the shops. I didn't leave the house. I've only now found work and it meant relocating overseas alone. I'm struggling with anxiety now being in a new country by myself with no friends or family support but I spent a long time training for my career.

I don't think anyone understands how debilitating it can be unless they've lived it. Don't feel useless or guilty for not doing anything. Celebrate the small milestones like getting dressed or getting the kids off to school. Feel free to contact me if you want.

Be kind to yourself.😊

MsBeliever · ‎20-06-2017

Hi Betty

I know exactly what you mean about being home alone and the feelings you have. I was like that a few years ago and i got put onto meds which changed my life. All of a sudden i wanted to go out and do everything. I was walking around with an actual smile on my face. During this time (i am not on meds anymore) i joined the gym. I had never done any fitness before in my life. I got a personal trainer and saw her twice a week. I started doimg yoga as well where i have fallen in love with the teachings and philosophys.

So i am not saying you need to be on meds. But certainly talk to your gp about it and your options. What i really wanted to emphasize on was how great exercise is. You dont have to join a gym. There are heaps of great vids on youtube. Or just go outside for a walk. Trust me it will make you feel so mich better.

I cant believe your counsellor told you to go out to businesses and ask for work when you have anxiety! If income isnt important then have you tried volunteering? It may be less daunting and lets you gain some experience and hopefully confidence as well.

Take a deep breath sweetie. One step at a time.

Annie23 · ‎26-06-2017

Hi Betty. And welcome to BB. I am also new here . This being my first reply.

Your story resonated with me simply because I have experienced a very similar upbringing and marriage. Both consisted of moving from one place to the other. Usually the time span was every 2 years. As a child I was lucky to have siblings to soften the blow of not being able to make friends easy, but as an adult and travelling with my husband this became an accepted loneliness. I was so shy by the time I reached my late twenties that I walked everywhere for fear of getting on the wrong bus. Like you TV became a way of life and I was scared to do much of anything on my own without my husband.

But Betty, It does get better. ..

Can I make a suggestion? First, stop beating yourself up for not being how you think you should be. Or how you think it looks to others. If there is no pressure to contribute why push yourself out to work if it causes you to feel so anxious at the meer thought of having to do it. Allow yourself this breather and let the idea of working go for the time being. Working does not define who you are as a person. And by being in a hurry to try and overcome your anxiety and 'get out there' may just be contributing to your anxiety even more.

Try focusing on the things you like doing. What makes you smile? Try and set yourself a goal by making one positive change every day and watch how it makes you feel when you achieve it. I would suggest joining a group but you have already done this so you have already made one positive change.

All the best Betty

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