Another to the numbers.

[Gueat_185]

Ahai,

It was some time ago I was introduced to Beyond Blue, but it was quickly forgotten. Thankfully, BB was one of the first Google results of my searching "I need help." So here I am.

I prefer not to use my real name, and I have a feeling that "Pobblebonk" won't be the most memorable thing. Please, call me Frog if it makes things easier. I am a 30 year old woman who has suffered with anxiety and depression all of her life. There is something wrong with me, but each psychiatrist sang a different song with a new set of pills.

I was first diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar II, then generalised anxiety disorder, to chronic dysthymia and chronic reactive attachment disorder, then schizoid co-occurring avoidant personality disorder. I really wish I knew what was wrong with me, but I can't deal with the medication changes anymore. I am, however, medicated for depression.

I've joined this forum simply because I don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped, without options, and a bleak outlook for the future. I *try* to be a jovial person; to hide behind humour, but it's failing as I wear down.

So yes, here I am, hoping to find some light.

- Pobblebonk.

[blondguy]

Hi Pobblebonk

Welcome to the forums and good on you for having the courage to post too! Your well being and privacy are paramount to the Beyond Blue forums. There are no expectations for anyone to use their first name at all

I understand your pain and anguish where anxiety (GAD) and Depression are concerned Frog. Even in recovery...this is my 38th year after my anxiety started when I was 23. I still take a AD daily and a benzo when required

Can I ask about your symptoms? After years of studying GAD I do know that if the symptoms interfere with our day to day ability to function effectively then we usually require ongoing/frequent counseling

You are very strong and proactive with your health Frog. Great effort

Only if you wish to...could you elaborate on your symptoms. We will be able to provide you with more effective support 🙂

you are not alone Frog

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Guest_682]

im 51,had depressive disorder for years,cannot get any help ,have tried multiple treatment formats,its now worst ever been ,angry,sad cant be bothered getting out of bad i hate this illness i feel very sorry for myself and im usually tough and strong but now im worn out

[Guest_682]

51 years old long term depressive disorder its worn me out im stuffed

[blondguy]

Hi Tank.....There are many gentle people that can be here for you....

If you click on the forums tag above....and then select 'Depression' as the subject topic you can make your own post and get more replies than here on Pobblebonk's thread. I feel your pain Tank68...you are not alone

my kind thoughts.......(if you need any help just let us know)

Paul

[Gueat_185]

Hello Paul,

Many thanks for your reply! Though I am not too sure how to answer your question, so I guess I should overshare so that some information may be helpful?

For some background: Pathetically, I still live my parents. I've tried twice in the past to live on my own, but anxiety, depression, and paranoia got the best of me. I've never had a partner/been in a relationship thus was on my own on both occasions.

Both my parents have PTSD. My mother from an abusive father, and my father from Vietnam. I've grown up to be anxious about things breaking, or making changes, else I'd have to deal with my father and his (verbal) temper. My mother drinks (not excessively like a drunk, but binges on 1L of wine about 3-4 times a week) and then takes her grievances out on us, or tries to start fights with my father. This has been all my life.

Anxiety triggers: When people, anybody, starts drinking alcohol. If something breaks, stops working, or I messed something up. Trying new things, or make changes. Phone calls. Leaving the house (I may go out once a week). Teenagers (particularly males). Car trips. People (even family members) visiting. There is more, but I cannot think of them right now.

I know some of it stems from my parents and an essentially abusive household, some from being bullied relentlessly in school, and the rest from "just being born that way."

I hope at least some of that is helpful.

[blondguy]

Hi Frog

Thankyou for being a part of the forum family and posting back! We are a friendly forum that respects your privacy and well being. I am sorry if my question was invasive. That wasnt my intention as my role here is only to provide the best support possible through my own life experience

I do understand your pain where anxiety and depression are concerned...and it can be a dark place to be in. There is nothing pathetic about living with your parents at any age...especially with a mental illness. I lived with my parents in my mid 30's when my anxiety was chronic...

Just sharing with you that I have leftover agoraphobia/anxiety and still have difficulty walking my rescue dog around the block even though I am physically fit. I joined the forums in early 2016 after being made redundant from a senior management role in the private sector

Your anxiety triggers are similar to mine Frog....and they can be awful to have. I understand what you are going through even though I am in 'recovery' (regular GP and counselor visits/meds)

You are more than welcome to ask any questions you wish about my health Frog

There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you too 🙂

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[therising]

Hi Pobblebonk

I wish so much that I could be there in person, reassuring you in regard to how amazing you are. You are amazing!

Like with any computer, the human brain needs programs in order to function efficiently. The brain is constantly seeking reference and you're well aware of the sort of programs it's referencing (ones that were installed beginning at a young age). Matters of mind aren't helped much when we're also dealing with under or over activation within certain parts of the brain, such as the prefrontal cortex (the thinking centre), the anterior cingulate cortex (the emotion regulation centre) and the amygdala (the fear centre). With factors such as these involved, we go beyond that computer in our skull as we begin to feel the impact on the rest of our body, thanks to chemistry.

You really are amazing: Whilst dealing with the challenges of fighting chemistry and such, through this exhausting process you are still searching for the light/a true sense of self.

I believe one of the most torturous aspects of dealing with destructive programing relates to identity. If I identify myself through my mental programs, who I believe myself to be creates pain. When I don't identify, the question becomes 'Who am I, really?' It's a bit like being stuck in either 'hell' or 'limbo' (sometimes going back and forth) with a deep desire to one day reach 'heaven' on earth. I believe heaven can be found in the unlearning process:

• When once I took responsibility for my parents' pain (through the act of changing my own behaviour), now I no longer take responsibility; the pain is theirs to work through
• When once I took responsibility for the abuse in my childhood, now I no longer take responsibility, the abuse belongs to those who gave it (the abuse was a result of their ignorance, they ignored the best in me/the truth)
• When once I took responsibility for people's anger and drinking, now I no longer take responsibility, these behaviours belongs to them (these things are a result of their inability to cope)

I know, much easier said than done! Finding a mental health professional who can help you reprogram your thinking/responses means finding someone who can show you a more constructive interaction within yourself.

We typically gain a variety of skills from our parents' (including the skill involved in developing healthy self-esteem), although it may not always work out this way. It is never too late to gain life skills through the help of others.

Take care