Another Newbie :-)

[Walden]

Hello,

Last time I spoke to someone at Beyondblue I was ready to switch out the lights for the last time. That was about two years ago and fortunately I got some help and I'm well into my life long journey of learning to deal with whatever situations I encounter. Thank you. Externally I guess I am perceived as the guy with the successful career, perfect family and not a care in the world. An external appearance that attracts a lot of haters (in my mind. A work in progress there).

It took me about 5 years till the age of eight to not feel pain nor cry which only antagonised the person dispensing the punishment. If you cant trust your mother, then unfortunately your programmed to trust no one. No need for the gory details but I did make my shrink cry a few times. I built an impenetrable shield which unfortunately broke about three years ago, nearly 40 years later and my actions hurt the few people that care about me.

In some ways I credit these detachment skills I obtained as a child to enabling a very creative imagination that lead to a successful career in design. The career that enabled escapism from social interaction and the destructive addictions that consumed my brothers. I just became a workaholic. Cool!

Why am I here now?

I've read a lot of books, tried a lot of theories, been on and off medication trying to find my balance. I'm on my down cycle at the moment. I call them my Van Gogh moments where my design work is very good but I feel the pain I locked away all those years ago and cry (unfortunately sometimes in public when I can't hide) for no present reason. I still have both ears by the way.

I'm looking for ideas to manage my thoughts and emotions better. I'm struggling with the workplace environment more so than anything else.

Hopefully my honesty helps others on the way. Everyone's path is different.

[james1]

Hi Walden,

Even from your short post here, i can see that you have an amazing story to tell full of the ups and downs of life, and I think a lot of people would benefit from reading your post here. Thanks for having the courage to come on these forums.

I'm only 24, but I also had a difficult time at home as a young child, and I was pretty detached even by the time I got to kindergarten at 5 years old. Then even more so later on. I also deal with an inability to control my emotions and I really lash out at people when I'm hurt or just shut them out.

My psychologist is working with me through something called Schema Therapy - I'm not sure if you've heard of it?

The premise is that people have "maladaptive schemas", or unhelpful ways of looking at the world, and these arise due to unmet emotional needs in their childhood. The therapy is designed to learn how to recognise and diminish your "maladaptive schemas" by diminishing the emotional intensity of your locked away childhood memories, and cognitively replacing your unhealthy coping mechanisms with more healthy ones which promote nurturing of your emotional needs.

I'm finding it difficult but I just have to trust that my psychologist knows what she's doing.

Are you still currently seeing any mental health professionals or a gp?

James

[WonderWomanwannabe]

Hi Walden, thank u for sharing. I'm a newbie to this site and yours was the first post I read. I relate to your work struggles and your point that your own success can create negative behaviour towards you from colleagues. I recently was harassed bullied and isolated at my work. I start a new role soon which will b amazing. Pls be strong in your mind and remind yourself u r not alone, and u r amazing. Keen to chat more if I'd like. Have a wonderful day.

[WonderWomanwannabe]

Hi everyone, newbie to the site and can already c it will b a great support. My story in short, have suffered anxiety and depression for many years...lost my marriage as a result but covered it up thru work success and addictions. An adopted child that was raised by a distant alcoholic mother....which I'm looking to work thru. I hope to gain support from BB and help others along the way.

[james1]

Hi wonderwoman

Welcome and thank you for posting your support for Walden. You have an amazing attitude and as you said, we're not alone here on these forums. That is great advice - feeling isolated can be so difficult.

I hope you can continue to help others here and if you want to look for some support yourself, please feel comfortable to start a thread as well.

We have the welcome topic, but also special topics for depression, anxiety and workplace issues as well.

Great to have you on board as well!

James

[Walden]

Thank you for the replies, first of all.

I do have a lot of stories but will only tell the positive ones here. I don't need to validate that bad stuff happens.

I'm taking a break from seeing a Psych. I do catch up with my GP every now and then. He knows first hand what I'm working through which is cool. I'm off meds on a trial for now. Have been for several months. I've substituted meds with a regular exercise routine, chiro and reading. I mentioned to another guy on here about my walks or pseudo social interaction as I call it. The exercise burns off that excess energy that feeds anxiety. Three days is my max without exercise before I start too sink into the abyss. Focusing on my feet touching the ground is similar to meditation and clears the noise out of my mind. Chiro keeps the nervous system in check and reading is another form of relaxation that stops the mind from wandering and its educational. I've read about 70 books in the past two years, psych, neuroscience, spiritual, religious, microbiology, etc, etc looking for a life recipe to help me manage myself. FYI it doesn't exist in one book.

As Van Gogh said "Great things are done by a series of small things brought together"

The transition from suffering to managing requires a whole lot of small things.

[james1]

Hi Walden,

That's an amazing quote from Van Gogh. Thanks for sharing it.

I've been doing a lot of walking and running myself. If you want, we have an "Achievements" thread in "Staying Well" and an exercise thread by lookingforme called something like "Tough Mudder Chronicles". We'd love to hear more from you as you see fit. A little feel good story goes a long way.

Take it easy on yourself and keep up the exercise and reading. I might also suggest colouring in which I find very therapeutic, cheap, and you feel a sense of accomplishment when you finish one. Ditto with cooking a new dish every week or fortnight.

James