Afflicted with the Invisible Disease

Redstone · ‎03-02-2018

Hi all,

Why am I here? I'm turning 40 this year and my life is pretty good. I'm married with three kids, I have a decent full-time job, I'm in reasonable physical health, my finances are relatively stable etc. Life's OK on the surface.

Unfortunately I suffer from anxiety and depression. I've had issues with them since I was a kid. In my teenage years it got bad to the point where I had to leave an exam because I couldn't actually pick up the pen to write the answers. The school counsellor was terrific and got me through that period but he couldn't resolve the problem entirely.

I have issues with anger. I am not, and have never been, violent, threatening or abusive. I internalise most of my anger to avoid creating conflict. However it does bother me and gives me a bit of a cynical view of things. I don't enjoy watching the news any more as a result or even watching fictional TV shows that deal with unpleasant issues.

In 2010 my anxiety got so bad that it was negatively affecting my work and home life. I finally went on anti-depressants and saw a therapist. While I changed anti-depressants after one year, I have been on the same one now since 2011. It has helped manage my anxiety and depression very well but at a cost to my libido (very low) and weight (gained 10kg or so since I started taking them). Both of those side effects do make me feel bad but I wouldn't call it depression. The medication won't allow me to feel that low. But the lack of sex is hurting my wife.

Therapy did not work for me. I saw five different therapists over a seven year period and got nowhere. I don't blame the therapists (except one who I really didn't like and quit working with after a month or so). I just didn't want to delve into my issues. Maybe I was scared of what it could bring up, maybe I was resentful for having 'issues' and maybe I just didn't want to talk about it. Who knows. As I said to my last therapist, who I stopped seeing after two or three sessions, I was just feeling 'talked out'. And I really don't want to see a therapist ever again.

I like exercise and work out fairly often through running, using the exercise bike at home and a bit of resistance work. I quit the gym last year and have no interest in reengaging with the fitness industry. I don't think any of the money I've invested in gym memberships or personal trainers has yielded much in the way of results.

So what do I hope to get out of this? No idea. Sometimes I just need to vent so thanks for listening.

Quercus · ‎04-02-2018

Hi Redstone and welcome,

Your post is how I feel a lot of the time. Meds have me mostly under control but a lot of the time I feel like I'm just cruising along not really feeling anything or feeling a connection to anything. The last month or so has really been a "don't care" feel.

So I feel angry too. I go to my psychiatrist for psychotherapy weekly. And talk and talk. You're right you really do have to be willing to admit issues and be willing to drag up all sorts of pain. It does help long term but at first to me therapy felt like ripping open a wound and freaking out I couldn't stuff all the chaos back inside again. I can understand your reluctance.

Doesn't mean there aren't other things to try...

Mindfulness. You've got to give it a non critical shot but if you can it does help to bring you into the present. There's a whole thread in the staying well section by Blondguy called mindfulness if you want to learn more.
New hobbies. Ok so the gym is out. That's ok. I get angry and frustrated and give up on things all the time. The key is multiple projects. Have a few different things you can choose from as a pleasure activity.
Intimacy! For a wife to have her husband refuse her it bloody hurts. And makes you worry you're unwanted and unattractive. You don't want sex? That's fine. But try to make time for her needs and to make her feel sexy and wanted. Check out a sex shop and grab a few toys you can use on her.
Find a hobby you can do just the two of you. There is a reason why board games still exist. I know it sounds stupid but there is nothing nicer than when my husband switches off the tv and sets up scrabble on our bed. It might not be sex but we're in private just the two of us doing something that is just ours and it feels good.

Whether you want to vent or to find ways to manage you're most welcome here. I hope you feel able to keep talking.

Nat

Redstone · ‎05-02-2018

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate your suggestions but I don't feel like they're right for me.

I tried mindfulness in therapy and I hated it. It annoyed the living daylights out of me. I am just not the kind of person who responds to psychotherapy and the tools it suggests. I always thought it was laziness on my part but the truth is that I never connected with it and never really want to talk about my problems with a therapist ever again.

Neither my wife or I really have time for a hobby and I am way too conservative to go even near a sex shop. The idea of it freaks me out. And these days I only watch porn if I want a good laugh. When you're not interested in sex, porn is terrible acting meets horrible dialogue and ridiculous (even disturbing) plotlines. OK it is not supposed to be Shakespeare but it is unbearable to watch.

Frankly I just need to vent. I need to let the anger and negativity out from time to time. Just to say things like "I hate having anxiety and depression! I hate being on medication! I hate having issues and I really hate talking about them. And I hate the fact that the human race in the 21st century continues to make the same mistakes as always. How hard would it be to learn from history just once???"

And now I feel a bit better.

See you next time.