Hi Werty678-
When I read your post, besides feeling for you so deeply in regard to how incredibly challenging your marriage must have been, I could not help but think 'Oh my goodness, 4 boys. That would have been a challenge when they were little'. Boys typically have so much energy. Personally, I'm a mum with an 18yo boy and 20yo girl. Don't know how I would have gone with 4 boys 🙂
I think it can be so tough being a mum, in so many different ways. It's like you know your absolute purpose when they're fully to semi dependent on you. It's a full to part time job. Then, when they start to go their own way more and more, it can be a matter of 'What's my purpose now? Why am I here?'. Then it can become like some quest where you know there's a path you're meant to step foot on but you don't know where it is or what it looks like. I'm finding that I've been generally great at raising my kids but I've never really had a lot of practice in raising my self. I really don't know how to raise myself all that well. Strange when you think about it but it's really not a skill we're taught when we're younger, so when it comes time to doing it there's just no skill set, which can help explain why it can feel so impossible.
I've found solid guides to be so important in my life. Lately, my brother's been my seer. He's been able to see the reason for my struggle and the way forward for me, in the way of getting out of a depressing period. In a nutshell it's been about setting goals, being able to clearly see exactly what I'm moving towards/looking forward to. Up until he gave me guidance, all I could see was myself in a depressed heap in the middle of nowhere at crossroads, without having any idea of which way to go. Such a depressing feeling, feeling so lost and alone. While I have a husband and while he's always been a fairly supportive guy, he's never been a real guide for me. He's never been one to say, in one way or another, 'This way...follow me'. Can be tough without a traveling companion.
Sometimes I think our #1 purpose for being here is to know our self as well as we possibly can. How do we work on a mental level, a physical/chemical level and even a soulful level in some cases? One of my goals is to research. Every day I will read something that tells me how I tick on some level and every day I will be amazed by what I learn. I aim to be amazed. While I am familiar with depression (the feeling of things going south), every day I aim to feel true north in some way, feeling myself heading in the right direction. Often it's the tiny things that make the needle on our inner compass move in ways we can feel.
