Trying not to chicken out this time

Ryan_S · ‎19-02-2014

For the past six years or so, I have constantly thought all the horrible thoughts I can think about myself, that I am hopeless, stupid, fat, unlovable, ugly, mean, lazy all of it. Every now and again I think about suicide, sometimes guilt is the only thing that stops me. Whenever I imagine it I think about my mother finding my body, or my ex hearing about it and maybe feeling guilt and I realise I can't put those people through that. I don't want guilt to be the only thing that keeps me living any more.

About 6 months ago I decided to see a counsellor and after two months of talking about it and not doing it something got in the way. I fell in love with my first girlfriend. This of course did not stop all those horrible feelings and thoughts but it was like a big beautiful band aid of the problem. Two months ago she broke up with me due to personal problems (her own depression after some horrible experiences that happened to her). All those horrible feelings came rushing back worse than they ever were before.

I went back to thinking about counselling but could never quite work up the courage to knock on the door and ask for help. Three days ago I reached out to a friend after a night where for the first time I burst out crying completely unprompted by anything. It was definitely one of two low points. I reached out to a friend that night and told her I needed help. I asked her to come with me to book a session with a counsellor at University. I have avoided her ever since.

There are so many things that actually scare me about all of this. I am frightened that the counsellor is going to tell me that I actually don't need counselling and I need to "suck it up". I am scared that they aren't going to be able to help me. I'm scared I'm not actually meant to be seeing a counsellor and maybe I'm meant to be seeing a psychologist/ psychiatrist/ monk/ voodoo lord. Basically its a bit of a last straw and I'm worried if this doesn't work what I can do next. I have resolved that tomorrow I am going to finally book an appointment and I was wondering if anyone had any advice on what I can expect.

SillySonia · ‎19-02-2014

My advice is to see a psychologist who practices CBT and ACT.

I have seen a counsellor, a psychiatrist and 2 psychologists and I only liked the psychologist who uses CBT.

Essentially this method will teach you how to change your thought patterns because after all that's what is making you depressed. When we are lost in negative thoughts we become depressed. Some people don't allow themselves to do this and will always surround themselves with positive people or situations. Others, like ourselves do the opposite.

CBT will teach you to see things differently. You aren't abnormal. Its just that you have trained your brain to think in a particular way. That's ok. Its tied into our prehistoric past when the fight or flight response would kick in when humans were under threat. Nowadays we don't have the imminent threat of being attacked by a wild animal or speared by an enemy however the brain still thinks like it does. Don't be hard on yourself.

Don't be nervous about therapy. Be yourself and open up as much as you comfortably can.

The trick is that when you hear yourself being negative tell the thought to 'piss off'. Try to focus on a small activity that will distract your mind too.

I know its easier said than done. I have difficulty with it too.

Suzbj · ‎19-02-2014

Hi Ryan, I’m the opposite. I have not found a good psychologist where I am but have found a great counsellor. Where I lived previously I had a really good psychologist, a long way from where I live now. I guess what I’m saying is to find the right counsellor or psychologist. You mentioned seeing a counsellor previously before you got with your girlfriend. Were you happy with that counsellor? If so, is there any reason you can’t go back there? And regardless of the type of therapy used, and often it can be CBT, build up trust with whoever you see; if you don’t feel comfortable with them find someone else. It does not reflect on you or on them necessarily. It is the right professional for you. And just means trust your own instincts a bit here too. Health professionals are not Gods – if someone said you don’t need help when you know they do, they obviously aren’t very good at what they do. But the right counsellor or psychologists can be great guides or coaches with the resources of many great tools that will help you and help you see that you are not ugly, unlovable, lazy and all the other things you are thinking about yourself. Don’t let the ‘what ifs’ and ‘fears’ and ‘imagined scenarios’ stop you from getting help. Are you still avoiding the girl you said you opened up to and asked to come with you to the uni counsellor? Can you maybe stop avoiding her? All the best Suz

Suzbj · ‎19-02-2014

Sorry - typo... that should have been 'if someone said you don't need help when you know YOU do.. not THEY do 🙂

geoff · ‎20-02-2014

dear Ryan, thanks for joining us, but under difficult circumstances.

There have been some good points made by Sonia and Suz, and the one that sticks out is that the girl you wanted her to go with you to the counsellor, but now keep away from, is that when we ask someone we get cold feet, and there are several reasons for this because later on we think about it and then we become embarrassed as we don't want them to know exactly what it troubling us, and we also believe that they will think that we are being silly to think this way, so we then tend to fight in our own mind, 'you're not having these problems and you are stupid by even thinking that way', so this becomes a battle, because you know that need help.

When you first go to the psych they will just ask 'what are you worried about', so you mentioned something that only seems to be small, so the psych will take over and at first there is no need to be scared at what you say, because they need to build up and then elaborate on your profile, which most of the time you will make no sense of head or tail what she/he is talking about, and as nervous as you may feel, then please remember that this person will be your bouncing board, in other words you will be able to go back and then talk about what has happened over the week.

Take them as your friend, because they are there to help you, but please be honest, because if you lie then you are wasting your time as well as theirs.

Let us know how you get on. Geoff.