The Face in the Mirror

[Durras]

Hi all,

I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow and found something to help me prepare for it with questions she may ask and questions I may ask her. I realized I can't answer any questions that she may ask if it is these ones I have found such as:

What is your main reason for being here? - Ok I don't know who I am, I'm confused with the way I am.

How long has this been a problem? - Ok all my life, can't remember my childhood so I have to say all my life.

This brings me to think if this is all I can say then who am I.

Who is it that is looking at me in the mirror each day when I brush my teeth, when I get dressed etc.

I know I have been feeling lost with myself for awhile but now when I say MYSELF who am I. What has this person been for the past 44 years and who is she now and where is she going or heading or what is she doing. I really don't know this face in the mirror at all.

I try to think back to my past for help but it is all a blur a fuzzy screen and hazy. I recall bits and pieces like an overseas holidays when I was 8 or 9 and doing a school play, the house where I lived and the school where I didn't fit in but noting of close family ties.

Well this is all I thought I would put in for today, REALITY has hit me that I don't know the face in the mirror, maybe she was fake all a long, a pretend (if that makes sense) got the name but no identity to her.

I'm thinking of writing a story based on this, thought it might help in my recovery and bringing things up to surface and clear and air.

Hope everyone has a good day thinking of you all

Carol

[Guest_1055]

Same here Carol, I don't know who I am either.

Hugs

Shelley xx

[white knight]

Hi,

You might need to dissect rt of what you know about yourself, then fondly appreciate and value those points. Character building largely comes from within.

Like listing- your interests, you hobbies, your complexion, your hairstyle, your abilities, your humour, your conversation abilities....a good start is for you to appreciate within yourself your post here...a brave account of your issues to other people some of which will benefit from your honesty. How wonderful is that? Something to be positive about...build on these aspects of your character. Your character is plastered within your post.

This might sound easy and likely isn't. But in life we must dig deep when required to overcome. And if we are really determined to be positive about it then, the ultimate positive action is to enjoy the journey of discovering YOU.

Hope that help. In the meantime read through the thousands of threads in this site.

Tony WK

[Durras]

Hi Shelley and Tony,

Thank you both for your response I do deeply appreciate it as it means a lot to me.

Lately I have been researching, looking things up for hep for more understanding of my depression and how to manage it and live better with it. Tony with this I have also been going through the list you made on 6th Jan in the thread How to make therapy sessions effective rather than repeating the same things over, I'm picking things out of the list and looking them up and finding some things really helpful too so thank you for making that list.

I think I am getting so overwhelmed with all the information and trying to understand and take it in, reading all the wonderful supportive posts on BB for guidance and other peoples experiences it is getting to be a lot for me. I am starting to feel like my worries or concerns are nothing to what others are going through so I should wake up to myself and shake it off but I know I can't. This week I think I had a huge slap in the face effect knowing my psychologist appointment is coming up, I thought I was all ok and ready for it, like I was expecting myself to go thorough it with a breeze until I dug deeper and researched on how to prepare for it and read some posts here. It slapped me with WHO AM I (maybe I am rambling here and sorry if this don't make sense)

As I said previously I always knew I was lost and confused with my identity of what it means to me to be me or who I am but now since my preparing for this and spending time reading posts and researching I have had a true awakening to it and how deeply lost I truly am.

I don't remember my childhood, I started drinking when I was 11. I was the lost sheep in the family, the black sheep the odd one out like the ugly duckling, I never felt apart of the family unit like I just didn't fit in or belong. So cause of this my finding myself goes right back to toddler age.

I'm looking forward to my first session today thou feeling nervous and anxious at the same time but also I know this is the start to finding my true self, my personal journey of discovery within me.

Thank you all who have been posting replies to me, I do very much deeply appreciate it and my sincere apologies that I haven't responded to anyone lately. I have been trapped in my thoughts and been relying on the bottle.

Please know I appreciate, respect, treasure and deeply care for all of you here on BB.

Lots of love and hugs to all

Carol

[geoff]

dear Durras, all the questions which are asked of you when you are having a counselling session put you on the spot,
because what you are trying to remember involves so many thoughts, so which is the most important for us as well as
what your psychologist is hoping to get from you,
Well these could be at different spectrums, because what you really want to talk about maybe blocked by another problem
which you do mention, thinking it will lead onto what you really want to talk about, but then distractions happen and
you're back to square one.
My psychologist kept on asking 'what do I enjoy in life' or 'what do I want in life', well I couldn't answer her,
I couldn't give any reason so it was then left alone and not asked for awhile.
We can't associate ourselves with the face in the mirror and what or how we feel, because we have no answers to justify
our face and our actual being.
Don't punish yourself by feeling lost in the mirror, because we still doubt what we look like when we are all dressed
up and saying to ourselves 'do I like good in this gown/suit' or 'is our hair appropriate for this function'.
It's up to the psychologist to work through their skills to extract information from us which is going to help. Geoff.

[Durras]

Hi Geoff and thank you for your response.

Yes your right still when we are dressed in beautiful attire the inside doesn't change and if it does it is only temporary like a disguise of how we are so people won't notice (well this is for me)

I understand that things won't work to a smooth plan or path there will be obstacles and distractions along the way and many forks in the road (problems arising) on this journey with my psychologist. I do feel I won't be able to answer many of her questions and in some way I hope she prods me a lot, I hope I cry lots to let all the past open into light. (this may sound like I am taking this lightly but I am not) I think I am mentally preparing myself to whatever may come so I can at least look at the face in the mirror with some openness( if that makes sense) some light into discovering who she is.

I have it in my mind that this journey to discovery of myself won't be an easy one it will take me further back to much earlier days/years but it is a journey I must take to find my identity, my true self within and finally find some peace with the face in the mirror.

Maybe one day I will be in a nice outfit or dress, my head held high while looking at myself in the mirror and say to myself (girl you rock that dress and look truly gorgeous) laughing I don't know if that is the expression used these days but it will do.

Thanks Geoff for your reply

Hugs

Carol