Relapse or withdrawal?

Surfergirl · ‎09-06-2016

Hello everyone, first time poster!!!

I have been on AD's off and on (mainly on) for 16 years. Prior to going on AD's i had had 3 episodes of unmedicated depression - each episode lasting about 8 months. In the third episode i finally went on meds as i was just worn out. In between episodes i am 100% recovered with no residual symptoms. When i went on the medication i was so anxious about it, but was amazed at how good i felt in 4 weeks - i thought i had the answer and didn't need to be scared of depression anymore.

I initially stayed on for about 9 months after i was feeling well, and reduced off over about 3 months. I stayed well for about 6 months and then got depressed again, so went back on. Stayed on again for 9 months and reduced off and this time only stayed well for about 3 months. This time my doctor said i would need to stay on for about 2 years. So i did this and when i came off i was only well for 6 weeks. The next time it was 2 weeks.

I had this feeling that the medication had changed something in my brain and was making me more vulnerable to become depressed. I did some internet searching and found websites that supported this view - so i joined a forum and started a really, really slow reduction. I tried this 3 times and was reducing about 10% of my dose every month. When i got down to low dose I would relapse again.

I am so confused. On one hand i consider myself fortunate that i can be SO stable on a fairly low dose of an antidepressant, and on the other hand i beat myself up for going on antidepressants as my scrambled brain is convincing myself that it's the drugs causing the problems.

I worry about the long term effects of antidepressants on the brain - but i also realise that its a moot point as i can't seem to get off them and the long consequences of depression are not good either.

I can't understand how my episodes were 4 years apart before i went on AD's and since being on them i can't seem to go more than 6 months without them - and that was in the early days. I have tried to stay off the AD's when i have been off, but the symptoms are really acute.

Why is there so much negative information on the internet about AD's? and why do we struggle so much to accept staying on long term?

If i knew that AD's would stop me ever experiencing depression again i would probably be OK, but now i worry about relapsing whilst ON them....

blondguy · ‎10-06-2016

Hello Surfergirl

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for having the strength to post too!

Google has great information about nearly everything and even about mental health too. The problem with mental health research on google is that our symptoms are very individually specific. Sure there are reliable sites on google that can give us a broad perspective of what we are going through...but thats where it stops..

I have had severe anxiety and depression for many years, I do understand your pain Surfergirl. In 1983 I started having all the symptoms and I was stubborn and refused to take any meds. Whoops. I was wrong!....I struggled and tried to 'fight' my depression and anxiety...even with counseling. It just didnt work. It took until 1997 for a female GP to kick me hard and made me realise that I would be destroying my life if I didnt start the AD's.

I usually quote this to people that arent on the forums..just non believers...as some people just dont understand which is fair enough too...

"Depression is a serious illness, just like diabetes or heart disease

Expecting positive thinking to cure depression is like expecting a person with diabetes to lower their blood sugar level by thinking happy thoughts"

Positive thinking is a bonus of course, but this quote may help erase the 'stigma' of taking antidepressants.

Medication is not a total fix by any means. It does though take away the bad lows to enable us to build a platform on which we can heal and use all the coping mechanisms that are available to us.

I am very much like you Surfergirl and have been anti-meds for years..until I realised I was 'physically' ill through having depression in the first place.

With regular counseling and AD's you may have some side effects (subject to your GP's opinion of course) but just in my experience a relapse would be very rare...

The main way out of the tunnel of depression is regular counseling with AD's...I had therapy weekly for 3 months and then monthly afterwards. It worked:-)

The BB Forums have many kind and non judgemental people that have similar issues like you and I. It would be great if you could post back and let us know how you are going Surfergirl.

You are more than welcome to post back as many times as you wish

I hope some of this has been of some help to you

My kind thoughts for you

Paulx

geoff · ‎10-06-2016

hi Surfergirl, we always hope that we don't need to take medication for anything, but there comes a point in time that our body needs some help, and this is where we need to accept the fact that unless we take this medication there will be problems which we aren't able to cope with.
Nobody wants to believe that we need AD our whole life or even part of our life because we feel as though that's a weakness in us, but contrary to that it's not, it's what we need to balance our life.
I have been on AD for a long time, too long to remember, but when I miss 2 days because I need another script I then fall back into the black hole, so I have accepted the fact that I will need to take them for life.
I hate that black dog and want to keep it at bay.
The net is so helpful in so many ways, but it's not going to keep you well, and to stop these relapses only means that it would be wise to keep on taking your AD.
You have to look at the long term effects if you don't take the AD and how difficult your life would be, whereas how you can cope with life when taking them. Geoff. x

Surfergirl · ‎10-06-2016

thank you geoff and paul..

yes, i get that the internet has positives and negatives and i am trying to pick through the information and be careful about what i read - my problem is what the bad information that i have soaked in and 'believed' - it's a bit like the anti vaccination brigade brainwashing people and it then gets very hard to let go of what you have believed to pick up a new schema.

for those of you that have had a relapse whilst on medication - has it been as bad as your initial illness or somewhat tampered by the medication, and has it taken you a long time to get better again? at the moment that seems to be my big fear - silly really because i have to get better first. - I came right down in my dose and have only been up again for 2 and a half weeks so i am still stabilising.

blondguy · ‎11-06-2016

Hi Surfergirl

Thankyou for posting back!

When I have a black day(s) or relapse on my meds it is short term, usually one day...sometimes two. No where near as bad as the initial symptoms. (thank goodness) Its not silly at all...its a common thought.

Just for me the AD's do take the bulk of the lows away...and then I use regular therapy. I think I would have been out of work years ago if I hadnt started the meds.

I hope some of that helps..even a little:-)

you are not alone Surfer Girl. Here for you

Paulx