I've had a lot of mental health issues from a young age, through most of primary school and high school I was terrified of engaging socially, my mother was in rehab for much of my early childhood and developed a distrust of mental health carers which I inherited. In my late primary school my father wanted to try and help me so took me a childrens mental health event. At the time I was unable to engage and it culminated in an incredibly traumatic moment where I was publicly humiliated by one of the staff while trying to articulate my struggles. During my early highschool years I ended up seeing 2 professionals, one of them was unhelpful but un-eventful, I ended up having an angry out burst at the other. I became increasingly angry and occasionally violent, by late highschool I had began drinking heavily and using other drugs. I felt angry at my parents and increasingly at mental health professionals. A few years after dropping out of highschool I tried again, through my GP who was pretty much the only person I'd been honest with. On my way to my second appointment I had an anxiety attack and missed the appointment. I got a text saying I owed the standard fee + $200 cancellation fee. I cancelled all my appointments, went home and attempted to commit suicide, I didn't succeed but I did spend several days in severe delerium. So I lived, and now too terrified of brain damage to try again. Everything since has been worse, my fears have grown, my distrust of medical professionals has reached a debilitating level, I've lost track of what my body should feel like, what sensations and pains are normal since I'm afraid of speaking to a doctor. I work online in IT, and my experience of provider carelessness around user information in that field has left me unable to trust even online services. I'm stuck, online services need real information I can't share, they want my GP, they want me to engage in therapies that I've got trauma associated with. And most of them don't have the time or resources to do it via text, they want phone or video calls if not in person meetings.
To be clear, logically I don't think mental health professionals are out to get me, but I can't trust them enough to get help. I can't trust my family enough to talk to them about it, I can't trust my GP. I feel so stuck and I've felt stuck for so long. Is there anything I can do? Are there services available for people who have this kind of fear?
