just had first psychologist app.. feel weird/stupid and confused

[Guest_161]

Iv just had my first appointment , due to loosing my brother in january, iv been feeling angry, depressed, sad,guilty, i just cry all the time, initially i was contacted by palliative care and was asked if there was any counselling needed, i failed on 2 attempts and didnt turn up as i just felt i would be a crying mess and in reality they cant bring my brother back. But its been the past month or so that i felt i needed some help as iv also lost a couple of friends and a few other issues in life and its been making me feel even more emotional, so i decided to see the gp and get a referral .

First thing was i was late, morning traffic plus rain so i was already embarrassed before it started, then i just had no clue what to say and felt stupid again that I'm over reacting and of course I'm gunna be upset with my loss, i didnt sleep last night because i was so stressed i would just cry and not get any words out but then i managed to go 10 minutes with out crying and then felt like well if I'm not crying and I'm here for grief wtf ? ( i did manage to cry as the more convo went on ) I'm not sure if it was because my session was only shortdue to me being late but she didnt really ask me a lot of questions apart from what feelings are you experiencing and when i did cry she just sat there and looked at me , i felt uncomfortable , i didnt get to talk about a lot in depth and felt like i spoke to fast and jumped to saying something else n just didnt make sense. my main issue is my grief but i have a few other issues i delt with in the last few years going through my brothers sickness and still dealing with them which makes my grief worse , will she ask me about other things or do i just bring them up ? she did mention she felt like i hold my feelings back i was unsure of what she meant and she said I'm not here to be your friend , this is all in confidence , I'm here for support with out the judgement , i just said i know that i guess I'm here for help but when i start to talk i cry i dont want that.

i DONT KNOW JUST FEEL WEIRD 😞

[Guest_161]

really didnt enjoy todays session 😞

[startingnew]

Hi Guest


thats ok, some forms of therapy arent for everyone. Youve got to be comfortable in what your doing as well and its up to your therapist to help you as well.
And yes of course your allowed to cry in your sessions, sometimes its getting through the tough stuff before you find that releif your looking for.


What happened in todays therapy session?

[Guest_161]

well she asked how i had been ect , told her few things i had done in the past week, mentioned it was a day but that day 12 months ago something about my brother happened told her felt sad that day and then i started to get upset, for some reason i had a gut feeling she might be sick of me crying again about the same thing on the 5th session and yep i get ' you get teary when thinking of your brother dont you ' i said yes then the awkward silence again for ages .

I spoke about how i dont have much patience so taking my child out that already is a bit full on and with me feeling depressed already was an effort to even think about taking him out as i would get anxious just the thought some days, so that turned into a convo on parenting just common sense things that i already know just struggle to actually do, then spoke about my child wanting attention when we are out but wanting his nannys attention even more being a nannys boy, she thought that was odd and said thats un usual usually kids still show love for there parents more and wants mums attention more in front of nanny . that just made me feel a bit crappy.

iv read people going to a couple of councellers before finding the right one, how do you know tho if you dont really know what they supposed to be doing in the sessions. i guess i just feel like its a lot of common sense things she's says that i already know but like i mentioned just struggle to get to that stage yet, and as grief is something you eventually learn how to live and cope with over time not something anyone can fix.

Have you been to or been to many phycologists your self?

[startingnew]

Hey Guest

ok so its seems like youve covered quite a lot which was good but it seems that your not finding this therapist to be helpful in her responses, which when you think about it hasnt been helping you and havent been able to make sense of these things. the therapists job is to actually help you and if they arent helping you, then your able to change to another one.

And yes your right it can take a few therapists to find the right one for you. I have and still am in therapy. It took me a few therapists to finally find the right one for me and now im happy to go to therapy.
If your not happy thats fine, your able to change to a different one. A lot of people inlcuding myself have changed a few times, not everyone clicks with the first therapsit they go to.


What sort of arrangement are you on for your psychologist?
As in do you just pay the gap fee, the 10 mental health care sessions?

[Croix]

Dear Guest_162~
I'd like to welcome you back and here I'm answering your post you made today in your new thread.

Before I do I'll quickly answer your question about changing your name. The easiest way is to go to any of your posts and hit the red 'REPORT POST' button. In the following screen just ask for it to be changed and say what new name you would like.

Now today the whole thing hit you again, and you were blaming yourself.

One of the things about grief is it bleeds though into other emotions. There is such a strong tendency to blame ourselves as if our actions could in some way change fate. You know you did not cause the leukemia or put him in hospital. You wanted to be at home for the best of intentions - so your child could enjoy a special Christmas, and you were tired.

That seems to me to be the act of a loving mum.

The very fact your brother wanted you so he could open presents says to be how much he loved you , and you loved him, you each were a very large part of each other's lives.

You said he was not expected to reach that last Christmas, perhaps in part it was your love that helped him get that far.

You are probably wondering why it takes so long for grief to change to sad memories you can deal with easier. As many of us have said there is no timetable, and looking back on what you have written before I think there are other losses in your life relating to your two ex-partners that add to the mix and help keep you down.

Are you spending the day with your son, or are you going to be with the rest of your family too?

Croix

[startingnew]

hi Guest

how are you going?

[Guest_161]

Hi Starting New

Thanks for popping back in to ask, im ok i guess , How are you doing ?

[startingnew]

i thought id seen you active on another thread which is great to see. im glad your doing ok, hows your therapy sessions going? are you finding them useful and learning from them?

im going abit better than in the past, thanks for asking