just had first psychologist app.. feel weird/stupid and confused

[Guest_161]

Iv just had my first appointment , due to loosing my brother in january, iv been feeling angry, depressed, sad,guilty, i just cry all the time, initially i was contacted by palliative care and was asked if there was any counselling needed, i failed on 2 attempts and didnt turn up as i just felt i would be a crying mess and in reality they cant bring my brother back. But its been the past month or so that i felt i needed some help as iv also lost a couple of friends and a few other issues in life and its been making me feel even more emotional, so i decided to see the gp and get a referral .

First thing was i was late, morning traffic plus rain so i was already embarrassed before it started, then i just had no clue what to say and felt stupid again that I'm over reacting and of course I'm gunna be upset with my loss, i didnt sleep last night because i was so stressed i would just cry and not get any words out but then i managed to go 10 minutes with out crying and then felt like well if I'm not crying and I'm here for grief wtf ? ( i did manage to cry as the more convo went on ) I'm not sure if it was because my session was only shortdue to me being late but she didnt really ask me a lot of questions apart from what feelings are you experiencing and when i did cry she just sat there and looked at me , i felt uncomfortable , i didnt get to talk about a lot in depth and felt like i spoke to fast and jumped to saying something else n just didnt make sense. my main issue is my grief but i have a few other issues i delt with in the last few years going through my brothers sickness and still dealing with them which makes my grief worse , will she ask me about other things or do i just bring them up ? she did mention she felt like i hold my feelings back i was unsure of what she meant and she said I'm not here to be your friend , this is all in confidence , I'm here for support with out the judgement , i just said i know that i guess I'm here for help but when i start to talk i cry i dont want that.

i DONT KNOW JUST FEEL WEIRD 😞

[Croix]

Dear Guest_161~

I'm quite old and have had a number of people die during my life. That does not make me an expert in grief, but does give me confidence to say that the memories do not go. Their flavor changes over time.

To start off with they are all grief, loss and pain. I used to think mostly about the end, when they were passing. As time went on more memories came back about earlier times. Nowadays, for example, I can look back over the 25 years I spent with my first wife and be pretty happy remembering, even if with some sadness at times.

As Startingnew says pushing friends away and being cross and impatient is pretty normal. I think you hit the nail on the head about being angry with the world. I do think a lot of the silence from friends on a death or other tragedy is lack of experience and knowing what to say, plus a natural desire not to make things worse by saying the wrong thing. Good friends will be back given a chance.

It's sad your son had no constant male figure, however he does have you for love and stability, which is a very great thing.

Croix

[Guest_161]

Hi Croix

Thats mostly what i think is the end, i just cant seem to stop going over and over it in my head , with all these emotions of guilt and regret, then i just burst into tears even now just writing this. i get a lot of panic attacks when I'm alone and i think about it all but not really sure what I'm panicking about.

Tommorow is my second appointment , and I'm going to write a list of things in the last 18 months thats effected me and the things this year, it also seems i might be feeling ok and my mind elsewhere then ill remember about something thats annoying me about something or someone and then I'm feeling down again and back flood the missing my brother emotions. Im just unsure if i should write everything and go into detail or just pin point a few things but i just think its easier if she reads them and has some sort of idea with out me sounding like a scatted mess for no reason.

[startingnew]

i hope your appointment goes well for you today

let us know how you go if your up for it

[Croix]

Dear Guest_161~

Yes, I can understand exactly what you are saying, if it is any consolation I think you are going though the worst of it now and things will get better - they did for me as I said. Hanging on in the meantime is hard.

Panic attacks don't always seem to have much reason, they can just happen. Trying to figure out the triggers can be hard. Dealing with them? Well I use breathing (4/2/4) plus try to physically move away, plus think of something different and KNOW I've been there before and come out the other side ok, no heart attack no nothing:)

If I write for a medical person I use point form. I guess I can expand as needed at the time, for me the trouble is remembering everything and getting it all out in an orderly manner the person can understand and deal with. It also means the person can form a judgment as to what is important quickly.

I remember once early on I put down tingling in my extremities and thought it really important, it was ignored. When I asked why I was told oxygen imbalance from hyper-ventilating, not dangerous or important enough to take time over.

I hope your visit tomorrow goes well, we'd be interested in how you went

Croix

[Guest_161]

Hi.

I think it went well, i dont even know where the time went but i almost fell off my seat when she said time up.

I held it up better then last session , cried a little bit and sat there what felt like ages waiting for her to say something. spoke about my son i think thats what made me held it up in the end , but interesting to see how next week goes as i literally felt it was 5 mins today

[Guest_161]

Croix i think i am too, i know people move on with life but is there anyone that just doesnt ? not just grief for ever but actually be the total opposite of what they used to be. sorry to hear you've lost people too.

A few interesting things where mentioned today that made me think about it, she asked whats my understanding of death/ meaning of life as she thinks i am a bit traumatised atm after watching his death (iv never lost anyone) and why i am panicking . But meaning of life i must say iv never thought about, another thing was denial, i havent managed to find that word iv been looking for which explains how i was, denial not believing he was dying and wasn't wanting to believe it which brings the guilt in and then I'm panicking and worked up.

I get what you are saying about trying to move on think about something else and breath, my god its hard at night.

what is oxygen imbalance from hyper-ventilating,? i get your point tho u feel like its obviously not an issue or they dont think its bad as what it actually is, i felt a bit like this with my doctor told her all my feelings I'm having but nothing was diagnosed leaving me wondering what the hell is going on with me.

[startingnew]

im glad you think it went well. I find when the sessions are going well they go quickly.
You find going to therapy abit easier once your more comfortable. I know its not easy going and youl have many ups and downs but it does make it easier when you trust the therapist.

[Croix]

Dear Guest_161~

Well as far as I know most people become accustomed to grief over time as other things take place in their lives. I'm afraid there is no timetable and everyone is different, some take a relatively short time, some much longer.

I'm not sure what you mean about being the total opposite of what they used to be.

The thing is that at the time I found it just about impossible to believe I would ever be happy again. I was wrong, I have a good life now.

I think there is another thing, if you are actually present when a person passes away this brings in a fresh set of reactions you do not get when you are just told the news. I do not want to be too specific here as many might find it most upsetting. Disbelief, denial and possibly even guilt at the feelings you have or the way you reacted adds another layer.

Panic attacks are pretty overwhelming. As I said moving (preferably away) is a physical activity and I found that helps. Try the free smartphone app Smiling Mind. It takes a fair degree of practice but I think it well worth it.

Oxygen imbalance? As best I remember it is carbon dioxide levels dropping in the blood as too much is expelled in rapid breathing. Don't take that as gospel, it's just what I remember.

There is a big desire to have a formal diagnosis. I guess giving it a label makes one think one has a measure of control. I think you should be able to ask and get a reasonable response.

As Startingnew says if you get a good relationship with your therapist it will help.

I'm glad you have come back and are talking

Croix

[startingnew]

hi Guest

how are you going with your counselling sessions?

[Guest_161]

Hi Starting New

Thanks for asking, I think I'm going ok, I'm on my 5th this week, Not sure yet if its for me yet or not. Was actually going to start a new thread with the question on how common is it to be still wondering if its the right thing for you after this many sessions.

Dont get my wrong i dont hate it, still feel a little uncomfortable when i cry I'm always waiting for her to hurry up and say something coz often i could have stopped crying and its still awkward silence and i know she's staring at me. She says its fine to cry its what I'm there for but I'm not because i cry at home in my own time ?

She has given a few suggestions as to what could be good for e.g., looking for new friends , getting out more. But i already new all this , last session she asked how my week was i said ok i guess and she asked why just ok and why i havent taken up any of the suggestions , but I'm just not ready too start new memories and have fun yet it actually makes me more upset to do that then doing nothing so now feel like she's wondering why I'm there if I'm not willing to try these things.

Sorry for the long post .