Internal Family Systems

[bigstar]

Hey there,

First time poster / long time reader.

Was wondering if anyone has done 'internal family systems' with their psych. I've done for the past 3 or 4 sessions with great success and I thought I was making some great progress. But yesterday, when I was under(in the trance, as it were), something happened, where I saw a deep darkness, like a depression like no other; I had that depression before, 6 or 7 years ago which almost killed me, and I saw it again, in the trance, and it terrified the hell out of me. I got out of the trance and told her this needed to stop because I didn't feel like I had the strength or the tools to deal with what it was revealing but that still didnt stop me from having a panic attack after. I spent the rest of last night walking. Anyway today I've woken up and I'm still very bad and pretty anxious and I have the feeling the one might have when a wolf is that door. The beast is back and awake but hasn't broken in yet. I'm terrified of this therapy as well. Although well intentioned, it has opened up something that my subconscious has done very well to keep hidden or locked. So has anyone had some sort of similar experience? I'm at a loss as to what I do. I dont want to go see her again, but there is some part of me that feels like I have to encounter this beast if I am to make a recovery and find out what it is, but then another part of me that wants to forget about therapy and try distract myself with ordinary endeavours and hope that I go back to being normal.

Its like there is an opportunity for healing or total destruction. High risk / high reward.

Sorry, I am aware that the language I am using to describe my internal battle isn't as 'clinical' as some of you might like, but this is how I make sense of it all in language.

Any guidance would be appreciated; especially any accounts of experience with internal family systems.

thank you

[MsPurple]

HI bigstar and welcome. It takes some courage posting for the first time.

I am not too sure what type of therapy you are recieving but I have had some therapy sessions I have come to a realisation about something quite dark. I didn't realise it was even there. I left that session having lots of racing thought and struggled with it for a few days. I tried to put into practice other things I had been encouraged to do in the past (by a mental health nurse) such as deep breathing, mindfullness and meditation. I found these helped with my racing thoughts which in turn helped reduce my anxiety. Probably the most useful for me was guided meditation using an iphone app. At first I didn't see the reason why they baught it up. I felt like I had started to move forward then all of a sudden I was taken back. But I soon found out that if I hadn't dealt with those issues although I felt like I was going forward I wasn't really. I was taking baby steps and after dealing with the darkness my steps became larger and my progress was better. I learned out to deal with the darkness and was able to finally let it go or feel at peace with it. Although you may have a wolf outside your house now, if you didn't deal with it now it may turn into multiple wolves dealing with it later alone (sorry terrible analogy).

Sometimes therapy can feel like 2 steps forward and 1-3 steps back. It is ok to go to your next session and let them know you are apprehensive today due to how the last session made you feel. It is not a bad thing to let them know how the last session affected you. This is actually the best thing to do as they can learn what works for your and doesn't. I don't think cbt works as well for me as talking therapy and meditation. Everyone is different and a therapists sometimes have to test the waters to see which way works best for you

hope this was helpful. I am glad you have gone from a forum reader to a poster. Feel free to roam around the forums and post in them as well (only if you feel like it)

MsP

[bigstar]

Thanks so much for your response! I'm not sure what type of therapy I am receiving either.

But from what I've read, Internal Family Systems is the idea that the self is made up of different entities that you can communicate with under a trance. So you go under and talk to certain parts of yourself and they reveal certain things to you. It has revealed things to me that were so immediate and obvious but also almost impossible to be consciously aware of. Like I've relived moments of childhood where certain entities were able to aggrandise themselves and start controlling me more through anxiety and what not. And trust me, I'm the most cynical person ever so I was astounded at how corrective this therapy appeared to be--because when I talked to these entities they seemed to relax and step back and the effects were immediate and permanent.

But yeah in this session, it revealed something that I've forgotten about, a terrible, awful darkness and I'm just scared. The scary thing is though, now that I know it is there, I'm not sure if the forgetting strategy is going to work. Like a awful spider in your room that catch a glimpse of before bed. Like you need to find it, and get rid of it. So I'm pretty apprehensive about my next session, feels like a D-Day kinda thing. But thank you so much for posting, its nice to know that the 2 - 3 steps forward 1 step back is a common part of therapy. And I hope my therapist knows this, because I'm worried that this might induce some sort of irreversible psychosis where there is no return from.

I am after all, a hypochondriac. Especially about mental illness.

[MsPurple]

Hi bigstar

Thanks for coming back. I have never received this kinda therapy before. But it sounds interesting. I am seeing my psychologist on Friday and I may ask her about it. I also asked about mindfulness while I was there as a GP told me to look into it (and sometimes the internet is not as good at explaining it as a professional). I think your psych should be able to help you. Just be open with her about your apprehension and they will probably help you with that as well

I think many of us with anxiety are also a bit of a hypochondriac. It is very common.

[bigstar]

Yeah, you should absolutely ask her; its a great therapy--well it really works for me. If you're the imaginative / creative type it would work really well I think.

Let me know what she says, and if you do a session I'd be eager to know how you went !

update: Also most of my feelings of psychosis and uncontrollable thoughts have now abated and I feel 70 per cent myself again. I'm pretty sure she took me to the void, the pure void, the unmistakable yawning void, and god dammit, its a hard climb back out of it. But I'm here again, at least some part of me, and I'm glad to be back. Will let you know how I go at my next session as well. Life is just so difficult and the worst part is, none of my difficulties come from the physical world but the abstract mind. 😠