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I have developed feelings for my psychologist

LilyR
Community Member

I started seeing a psychologist for depression and anxiety in March 2016. I had seventeen sessions with him in total and my last session was in November last year. Approximately nine or ten sessions in I realised that I was starting to develop feelings for my psychologist. I realise that it is stupid and ridiculous but nevertheless the feelings are still there even though it has been five months since I saw him. Appearently it happens quite a bit and is called ‘transference’. No matter what I do I cannot seem to get him out of mind and it is affecting my mental health. I honestly wish I had not gone to see him in the first place as it has made everything worse. I am after some advice or suggestions on what I should do. Has this happened to anyone else? I obviously do not want to tell my psychologist about my feelings as that would be extremely embarrassing and awkward but I need to get some help with this. Should I talk to my doctor or another psychologist about it? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated- thank you.

50 Replies 50

Hi James,

Thanks for your comment. I definitely agree with what you’re saying. I just don’t know whether I’d be able to literally tell him. Just the thought of it makes me feel sick.

Lily

Hi Romantic,

Thanks for your comment. If you don’t mind me asking ... what did your psychologist say when you wrote the letter?

Lily

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

That's totally understandable LilyR.

I've done what romantic_thief has suggested with writing, and I've also tried to put a bit of separation by calling on the phone instead of going in person. For my psychologist, both are perfectly acceptable ways of trying to communicate where doing so in person or vocally is too hard. The time I wrote it down, I was asked if I wanted to talk about it or if I just wanted her to know.

The psychologist is there for you and they are well trained to know how to make sure you feel safe.

Hi LilyR,

No I don't mind at all!

My psychologist was wonderful; she completely validated what I was going through and feeling and she told me that she was grateful that I did reach out to her and talk about it. She says that it happens with a lot of her clients. I think I was surprised by how well she took it and how calm she was.

The biggest thing on my mind was either the fear of ruining our relationship or crossing her boundaries - and neither happened. She said that transference is a good thing; it means that we (as clients) feel safe enough with our psychologist to unconsciously have these other feelings for them. Over time, we simply won't have them anymore. I personally had it when I was doing really heavy trauma work and now I can say I don't have them at all. We then talked about what it would mean for me to cross her boundaries and what that would look like - this helped me so that I wasn't so afraid of what I was feeling or ruining what we had.

I hope this helps comfort you a little! 🙂

God I'm not the only one. I've had these unresolved feelings for weeks for my clinical psychologist. I'm not sexually attracted to him but I'm emotionally dependent on him. I call him when I'm in a crisis, he gets several calls a week from regarding me from others and he told me there's boundaries and he can't keep on getting calls and emails. He doesn't know about this though and I'm not going to tell him. I do have fantasies about him. I trust him and he makes me feel safe. He compliments me in sessions saying how talented I am as I got accepted into Julliard in New York when I was 16 but didn't take up the scholarship.

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Tweet-heart,

It's great that you are able to tell us that you are emotionally dependent on him, as it is often hard to admit to ourselves the extent to which we need someone else. I don't know what the best client-therapist relationship looks like, but from what you've told us it sounds like maybe there's a little tension at the moment in yours, since you don't feel like you can be totally honest with him about how you feel.

I think it's normal to have fantasies about people, including our therapists. For me, I know that if I approach these conversations from the perspective of, "this is happening in my head, and I want to talk to understand why", then it won't come off as inappropriate like I'm trying to make something happen.

James

Hi James

We have established a good rapport and high level of trust. He knows I have been let down and treated badly in the past. I can't tell him about this though as he will have no choice but to terminate therapy due to erotic transference which I don't want. The Turing point came when I brought him a whole box of medical records and I was reluctant to show him all the notes due to what a previous psychiatrist had written about me. He told me I have to trust him and he is not going to be influenced by what a psychiatrist says. I think he suspects I am starting to develop feelings for him oh oh.

Hello Tweet-Heart, I think when our psychologist connects with us and we know that they understand exactly what we have been through and often 'take words out of our mouth' then a trust is established, so we look forward to the next appointment for 2 reasons, 1- we know that we can tell them anything (except for that very dark secret which no one knows) and we like them.

What happens when they go on holidays, we become anxious, so we try to email them or perhaps ring them, eventually, this will become too much for them, so if this is happening just be careful.

You don't have to explain any intricacies to them if you are embarrassed, they will get the general idea, and remember one person has a different way of looking at your situation than another person, and they normally don't want to be influenced by someone else, they need to make up their own mind.

If too much feeling between the two of you is mutual, professionally they are obligated to find someone else who can help you, this will only make you take a step backwards, because that's not what you want, and secondly you will have to start all over again.

Try and avoid this.

Geoff.

Thanks Geoff

He rings me back straight away, he's very caring and attentive. I know he doesn't feel the same way about me and if I tell him or he finds out then I'm screwed and he's very clever he probably already suspects something.

I am really turned on by his personality and his sea green eyes and the fact I can trust him and he makes me feel safe all this for Medicare rebatable sessions. What bliss

I'm in a really difficult position today I saw him for the first time in 2 months. The session went ok until the last few minutes when I got defensive as I thought he was trying to say I'm not intelligent, it got so bad that he even threatened to terminate our session. He said he doesn't care what I say outside of the room and that inside the room I have to show respect I felt he was being condescending. Anyway he's got no clue and he also told me there'd be a few for his DSP report which I expected but he should have raised it before. So, I won't see him again until Feb 13th as he wants to go on holidays (again !!) and his son starts school. I'm concerned about what his fee might be and hope it's not exorbitant. He also refused to show me the draft of the report stating it's not finished and he owns the report. I let him know my GP needs a copy so she can finalise her report.