Feel like I have made a huge mistake.

[Guest_1211]

Sorry this is super long!!

So, I have been seeing a wonderful psychologist for the last 6 months.

I had a termination (for many reasons, not really my choice) not long before I started seeing her. My GP thought I had reactive depression, but we now think it was just the thing that pushed me over the edge, and I couldn’t keep the mask up any more. It was not the main cause of my situation, I have felt awful for a very long time.

After working with her almost weekly, I abruptly texted her yesterday and said I wanted to cancel my next appointment. Now I feel like I just cut my last lifeline.

I felt like I was getting nowhere and felt worse. When I think back now, I still think in some ways I do feel worse, but maybe I’m just more aware now of how bad I’m actually feeling.

Thinking over what we have worked through together I realise maybe that I have made some progress in that I have a lot more insight about why I feel like I do, or how I handle situations. I have had trouble agreeing with a lot of observations she makes because I have worked so hard to keep my emotions under control my whole life, or failed to acknowledge that some situations I’ve been in are pretty awful. This means I’ve found it really hard to open up and share much of myself.

I have struggled when she uses the word ‘trauma’ or talks about some of the people that haven’t treated me well in a negative light. I have felt uncomfortable when she says nice things about me. I feel like a failure when I freeze up and can’t share anything, or get overwhelmed with emotions, which she identifies as dissociating. I feel ashamed when she talks about the termination. I feel like I fail to help myself every time I see her, like I’m not helping myself and I’m wasting everyone’s time. She also suggested medication to help with my incessant thoughts/worry and help me be able to access my emotions without being overwhelmed by them, and I am scared by that and feel it’s another failure.

Other factors why I was so irrational yesterday: I had emailed her during the week and hadn’t had a response (which is perfectly reasonable, I know that), I had a terrible migraine (I have a lot of these), I stayed home from work and let people down by doing so, and it would have been my due date. So I know it wasn’t a rational time to make such a decision.

I feel so stupid now, and I don’t know what to do to help myself.

[Quercus]

Hi Kylie and welcome to the forums.

The great thing about mental health professionals is that when we have overwhelming moments and panic and try to run... they usually understand.

It is completely understandable that yesterday was a very painful day for you. How are you holding up today? Do you have friends or family who can help keep you busy?

Would it hurt to send another text to reschedule? It is up to you whether you want to explain why you cancelled but it does sound like your therapist has been helpful to you.

You're not remotely stupid. I see my own actions in how you responded. Starting to talk about trauma is scary. I worried if I opened the can of worms I'd never be able to contain and control my emotions again.

But the painful kind of therapy does help. It has for me anyway after a long time in therapy.

Feeling that medication makes you a failure is an extremely common reaction as you'll see on the forums. But it isn't accurate. When we're physically unwell we don't hesitate to accept the required medication... Yet mention an antidepressant and many of us panic. I did too.

But meds aren't as scary as I thought. I thought that meds would mess with my brain and I wouldn't feel in control or feel like myself anymore. But what they really did was make everything feel slightly less overwhelming. They aren't a fix all and I've needed to work hard to help myself.

Before medication I was not in a place where I could talk. My emotions were explosive so I had to lock them away inside. The meds allowed me to feel emotions but not be constantly overwhemed. I needed this to be able to cope with therapy and speaking about painful topics.

I hope you can send the message to your therapist and try again. In the meantime these forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to talk.

Nat