Difficulties Understanding Treatment

[P12]

Counsellors and psychologists to whom I have spoken have told me to identify my long term goals and strive for their achievement. But my attempts have been unsuccessful because I lack the practical skills for achievement and that has caused me greater dissatisfaction than before I attempted to achieve the goals. What is the reason for this strategy and why are counsellors and psychologists unwilling or unable to give me practical advice?

I identified the technical topic most interesting to me, looked for collaborators, and asked for support to pursue my interest. I found only two people in Australia with similar interests and believe they are unwilling to collaborate with me because by discrediting me their circumstances will improve. The feedback I received about my requests for support is that the topic is not relevant to society. Instead I am expected to perform a job for which I am imperfect and therefore I am excluded because my processes and ideas are different to the industry. Is it true that society's objective is for greater normality and what is the reason for such a strange aspiration? Why does society reject people who are different? Why does society not allow me to pursue my individual interests and talents? What is the purpose of living if society has no use for my talents and the role that society would have me fulfil causes me trauma?

I was told that independence will not cause me long term satisfaction. Yet, as I have tried unsuccessfully for more than ten years to form a friendship, I question this assertion. The prevailing strategy suggested to me for gaining friends is to participate in activities I enjoy as there I am most likely to meet others with similar interests and beliefs. What is the purpose of living if society directs me to one outcome but it cannot provide the means to achieve that outcome? Surely independence is a far more effective solution.

I'm pretty sure I am lonely. I would like to have a friendship or at least feel welcome in society. But my efforts never seem to work. People make suggestions but I must be special because they don't work for me. The harder I try, the more independent I become, because my methods appear stranger to others, and the less liked I become. I really don't understand the society in which I live. I wish I wasn't so sad.

I often cry uncontrollably and am unable to sleep when I realise I will not achieve my desires and there is nothing I can do about it. My life is apparently meaningless.

[Croix]

Dear P12~

So you were given a label. I have found this can be both good and bad. If it is a mis-diagnosis you get the wrong treatment when the needed treatment is not given. Also people tend to pre-judge based on the label. I've been wrapped in cotton wool as I must be 'sensitive' or not given jobs precise I must be 'unreliable'. It may well be in this case it is a misdiagnosis, you were unhappy with it before

On the plus side if the label is correct then proper treatment can commence. Importantly I found that many of the things I was doing, from anger to lack of any motivation were symptoms of my mental health issues, not defects in my character -a great thing to find out.

I hope your diagnosis helps, either as-is or as a basis for change.

Croix

[Summer Rose]

Hi P12

Do you want to talk about how you feel about this anniversary?

I remember you sharing sometime ago that you didn’t agree with the diagnosis. Do you still feel that way? 
Kind thoughts to you

[P12]

Overall I think I simply feel confused about myself.

I think I decided to be diagnosed to try to obtain acceptance. But it is difficult because by definition a diagnosis is a permanent condition that cannot be cured.

My attempts at obtaining peer-acceptance have been less successful than I would like. I shared my diagnosis with my workplace, but I think they did not respond positively. I tried to join a peer group with others with a similar diagnosis, but I found it hasn't worked because each person is different from each other. I have spoken with several practitioners but largely I think I still face the same challenges. And sadly when I shared it with the person closest to being my friend they stopped communicating with me.

My attempts at obtaining self-acceptance have also not worked yet. I am an existentialist but, although I try very hard to ignore other people, no matter how hard I try I can't escape society nor why it prevents me from achieving my goals. My prevailing feeling is that I am an outsider in the world and this is a problem. Just today I was criticised at work and it made me feel sad. Success appears to rely on first using inductive reasoning then second deductive reasoning but I don't understand why it cannot be done the opposite way.

I am working on my goals:

- Reduce my psychological distress.

- To make a contribution to the world of which I am proud.

- To study the natural world and share my insights.

- To have a friend.

- To have confidence.

[Croix]

Dear P12~

"cured" is not a good word, On the surface it could imply illness will disappear wihtout trace and leave one in the state one was in before the illness happened -or at least the one you thought you were in.

A more realistic view of a diagnosis, at least for mental health issues - is that it is a simple snapshot in time.  I was invalided out of my job and had severe PTSD, depression and anxiety, not to mention suicidality. That was the snapshot in time of me.

I'm not the same person now, with symptoms well under control and living a pretty good life. Does that mean I'm "cured"? No, but it does mean I've recovered beyond measure.

So I"m a different person because of my illnesses, more experienced, wiser, more patient and more likely to understand other people.

Why would you be any different? A diagnosis - even if correct - is not a reason to give up hope and think things will remain static.

An awful lot of what you ahve been saying in the past comes down to the fact your expectations, and your reactions to the world and others, has caused you distress. Looking at that in a more positive way it means you have not yet found your niche -and there will be one.

Someone I talked with had a careen in industry, in an office. Did well but could not keep it up. They resigned from that well paying fast paced job and took up mowing lawns, where life's pace suited them. As far as I know they are still doing it, it is their niche.

I'm not suggesting you mow lawns, just keep looking for somewhere that fits you, not somewhere that you have to struggle to fit in.

Take heart

Croix

[P12]

Hi Croix,

May I ask which career you recommend is is most suitable to me, based on what I have said? I feel that I haven't found how to be paid for my interests and values and what I can be paid for causes me distress.

[Croix]

Dear P12~

I do not have a hope of answering your question, I have not worked alongside you and got to know your preferences and strengths.

The only thing that I think keeps popping up in your posts is the natural environment which you find suits you. Heading in that direction may bring up an opportunity.

I"m guessing, I hope you can do better than that:)

Croix

[Summer Rose]

Hi P12

I hear you when you say you feel confused about yourself.
As you know, this is a very common human state that most of us here have experienced from time to time.

Sometimes mental health conditions or disorders contribute to that confusion, and the way we think because of these conditions/disorders makes it hard to get clarity. This makes it important to understand how your disorder impacts your thinking. It’s not about a cure but understanding how to combat your thinking in order to get where you want to go in life. For example, overcoming rigid thinking, or obsessive, worrying anxious or paranoid thoughts. 

The steps you are taking—engaging in counselling, communicating here, setting goals—should help to reduce your confusion. But be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. 

Some people do what they must to make a living and pursue their special interests outside of work. Others are very lucky to work in their chosen field.

If what you’re doing now isn’t working for you then it makes sense to think about other options. 
Are you in a position where going back to university or study is an option? Can you see an path to making a contribution to the world that will make you proud?

Kind thoughts to you 

[P12]

Thanks, Croix and Summer Rose, for your kind suggestions. I am going on holiday soon so I will have limited time to write further, but I hope to resume when I return. My brain is exhausted.

[P12]

I returned from my holiday two days ago.

Here is my response to Croix's questions:

- Yes. I think nature is my best friend and it makes sense to try to connect more with it. I suppose I am still searching for a way to do that.

Here is my response to Summer Rose's questions:

- One thing I have learnt is that I will be apparently much slower at understanding social situations than almost every other person I will meet. I try to use my strength of abstract thinking and nature, but unfortunately I cannot escape society entirely, and unfortunately I am lonely because of my apparent disability.

- I have learnt of cognitive behaviour therapy and acceptance commitment therapy. I have also learnt that treatment is apparently simply trial and error, and I am still trialing.

- I suppose I am still searching for a way follow my interests more. I haven't determined how to do that yet.

[Summer Rose]

Hi P12

Welcome back! Hope you had a wonderful holiday.

Knowing that you face challenges understanding social situations due to the way your brain works is a really powerful insight. It’s not lack of trying, or failure on your part, it’s just the way you are. My daughter struggles to concentrate due to constant OCD thoughts and often forgets things as a result, I am losing my balance due to illness, my best friend often can’t sit still due to ADHD and the list goes on. We are all different in our own way.
Improving your social skills is something you can continue to work on or accept this about yourself. CBT and ACT are both legitimate treatments but specific social skills training may also be of interest to you.
Challenges with social interactions also probably explains some of your challenges at work and when thinking about a potential future career change, this is something that definitely needs to be considered.  Avoiding roles that demand a lot of team work and long periods of personal contact or environments that are highly political will be important to minimising your frustrations and protecting you from exhaustion.
As you rightly point out, your brain has also given you strengths—an incredible ability for abstract thinking and a love of the natural environment. Two wonderful gifts and I’m sure there are more. 
I hope that the more you understand about yourself the more you can love yourself and treat yourself with kindness. 

Kind thoughts to you