Year 12 daughter refusing to go to school or get help

[Katrina1]

I have a daughter who is refusing to go to school. She is in Year 12.

She takes hours to get ready to go any where, rarely leaves the house (won't even walk the new puppy around the block), has only one friend at school, spends most of her time in her bedroom or bathroom, withdrawn, has very difficult relationship with her father (who also lives in the house but is away a lot for work), often says she is tired/low energy, has also very few interests, and does no exercise.

I'm pretty sure she has quite serious anxiety, possible depression. There is NO self harm.

My question is: how can I get her to go see our gp or a psychologist to get help?

I have made appointments over the past week, but she refuses help or to go, or to talk to anyone. Says "I'm not going". Lashes out at me, saying I'm making everything worse, to leave her alone, I'm not helping, I hate you, etc etc

She is a bright girl, but she needs to attend school and complete Year 12. This is her future. How can I help her?????

[Nikkir]

Hi Katrina1,

Thank you for your post, she is lucky to have so much love and support and a person that cares for her so much. Is she still at school? If she is that is a real plus. It could be a number of factors but as you said you can't really force her to see anyone. You can get the referral for 10 sessions from GP but if she doesn't want to go there isn't much point. I guess all you can do is what is in your control. Offer the right food, encourage interests and keep the line of communication open. You could get some Beyond Blue brochures and leave them around or tell her we have the forums or our number 1300 22 4636 its up to her. Thankfully she has one friend, I know we all hope for a wide range of friends but one is better than none. I hope you are all ok and find the happiness and connection with your daughter that you are looking for. Please let us know if there is anything we can do, our number is also good for resources. Best Wishes Nikkir x

[Katrina1]

Thank you Nikkir. You've offered some great advice and support. What about the not going to school issue? I'm worried about her not finishing high school, and the impact this may have on her future. Perhaps I need to look at other options aside from school to finish her ATAR? I am in communication with her school and they have been supportive so far with her absence and are encouraging me to try and get her to come back to school next week, even with part or half days. How can I get her back to school? I'm worried this may have a big impact on uni/tafe/ etc

[SarahLulu]

Hi Katrina,

I'm in year 11 so I hope I can offer some perspective of your daughter. Before my mum first found out and after she found out about me being quite depressed I'd hate for her to bring it up. As for not attending school, be understanding but firm. I hated when my parents just called me lazy, but at the same time I didn't put much effort into it when they stopped caring and I could stay home. Your her mum not her friend ahaha she doesn't want to listen to you but I think your offering her excellent support. I think the best way is possibly having a talk to her friend or a favourite teacher at school to just get her to go to see the GP and then the initital therapy session.

I lashed out at my mum too, more out of annoyance and frusturation so don't take it personally I'm sure she doesnt mean it. To identify the best way to get to school I think you're going to have to work out what in parcticular it is that stops her going to school. Is it the work, the teachers? Or more the social aspect? That way you can try and alleviate some of the stressors at school. Call up the school, all schools have a school counsellor ask them on advice returning her to school. Best of luck x

[HelpForMum]

Hi Katrina,

I can understand your concern and pain. My son is in Year 12 as well and has been diagnosed with Selective Mutism when he was in primary school. He has one very good friend and a couple of other acquaintances at school. School has become a real burden as he is constantly anxious and doesn't want to be there. He has social phobia and avoids most social situations. He never speaks to teachers at school and the teachers cannot understand his condition. They seem to think he is excessively shy. He has never received appropriate support from the school. I have tried psychologists to no avail. It was costing me a fortune with no results. I am worried about his future after he finishes Year 12 at the end of this year. He spends most of his time in his room and looks so sad. I am not coping very well watching him suffer in this way. Family and friends are not very supportive, in fact most judge him rather than offer support. I encourage social interaction but this in itself is very difficult. He tells me that he doesn't want to see people he knows (eg going to the shopping centre). He has no self esteem and rarely engages to conversation unless spoken to first. He does play sport which I am happy about.

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Hi Katrina & helpformum,

My son is in yr 11. He is very quiet, shy. Has no interests. We live in a remote area, it is an hours drive to anywhere..school bus at our gate, thankfully. His day is 2 hrs longer than school hours We went through a stage where he had a lot of days off (Y9, 10) now he gets ready and goes on bus without question. Phheww. One relief. He doesn't complain anymore, but he doesn't say ANYTHING.

I can understand your daughter Katrina. I was her many years ago. My poor mum! Is it all part of growing up. It isn't easy when the black dog is a companion. You are doing a great job. Just keep BEING there for her. (Let anything she says wash over you, She loves you no matter what. It is terrible the things we do to the ones we love most. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it is just that the tunnel winds and we lose sight of it sometimes.) She will get through in her own way. You can only be there to try and guide her. She will thank-you later.

These days, most people have 3-4 careers, so what happens in yr12 is really not so vital in the scheme of life. Sure, in the IDEAL world, you want your kids to ace the atar, blitz the Uni course they have been 'called' to do, get the perfect fit job &find the perfect match & live happily ever after. Yeh, not gonna happen.

I didn't finish yr12 but went back to school as mature age student and now have post-graduate qualifications. So all is NEVER lost if the road they chose is not the one you had envisioned for them. No matter what happens, we will forever worry, especially in this new digital world.

Maybe we just have to accept that there are different pathways to success. The only thing we can do is to hope that we have instilled enough positive life skills into them when it mattered, so that they are able to navigate their own path, learn from their failures.

And the biggie is to just be there for them, unconditionally, nonjudgmentally, supporting them in their decisions (not making them). We must make sure we look after ourselves 1st, so that we are healthy enough to do this.

hfm, I worry about my son. When he does speak (rare), he speaks so quietly, I can't hear him. He has no passions, no direction for the future. During waking hours, he is on a screen. He is isolated & seems emotionless. His grades are average. Perhaps an apprenticeship is an option for them? Has your son considered this? You are lucky with sport.

This parenting thing just keeps on giving, doesn't it.

Lee??

[HelpForMum]

Thanks for your response. It's comforting to know I am not alone and there are many parents with similar problems. You say your son rarely speaks and when he does it's so quiet you cannot hear him. That's exactly how my son is. I am always asking him to repeat what he said because I haven't heard what he just said. I forgot to mention when my daughter's friends come over, he never speaks to any of them, in fact there is no acknowledgment. To an outsider that may seem so rude, however to those to know him, it's obvious that is not the case. He becomes so nervous and shuts down, his bedroom is his safe haven. He will stay there for hours. In answer to your question about apprenticeships, yes he has mentioned an apprenticeship but again he is not sure. Just like your son, mine is only getting average grades at school because he would never ask for help. School has always been a challenge for him. He worries constantly about what people think of him. My daughter's boyfriend tries to engage him in different. He is such a wonderful person who understands his struggles. He has not spoken to the boyfriend but does acknowledge him with a smile and sometimes a handshake. I am hoping he will be able to feel comfortable enough to speak to him in the future.

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Yesss. I'm forever asking him to repeat what he said cos so quiet! I'm forever telling him that people think it is rude, especially if we are out in shops etc. Usually he just looks at me as I take a step back so he has to talk. Then it gets painful! He has NEVER answered the phone. I used to think it was good that he didn't grapple for the phone when I was talking, like other toddlers/kids do. If only I'd known then.

When we have visitors to the house (it is rare nowadays) you just won't see him. They can be here for hours, he can be thirsty, starving but he won't venture out. Usually he would know these visitors anyway. They would think he's not home. He sat his learners licence test, but hasn't done the final paperwork, cos that is an office visit. He could post it, I gave him an envelope, but there it still sits now after he got it. He has had moderate acne since late in yr8, so that doesn't help with self esteem, which he doesn't have.

Gosh, it is a worry. How will they ever cope with life. I worry he'll finish school and just sit at home..there are very few job opportunities in our country region. Sadly, he has no positive male role models. His dad is in his life everyday, tho we are not together. He has sponged off me/us since forever and has never contributed financially. I wouldn't mind so much if he would do stuff with his son, that is why I have let him hand around so much, but he's not motivated to do anything. At times, I'd hope he'd be an anti-role model, but genetics are strong and I think my son takes after him too much.

Ive never heard of selective mutism. Perhaps a good thing, as I could've spent a lot of money. I will read up on it. Has any of that therapy helped AT ALL? Is he better now he is older? Did you get any insight? Ways to help?

I think mine is worse now. I'm hoping it's a teenage phase. Looking back, at playgroup, I'd always have to take him out when they sang happy birthday to anyone, cos he would scream. I think he thought they were always singing to him. Bells shoulda rang then.

It would be so good to know how to best handle things so that they can make the most out of life and not struggle. I doubt we can change anything. Personality types are very ingrained. We've always tried to push him to speak up for himself. It's like he's in his own bubble. Oblivious to anyone around him a lot of the time. Maybe he won't worry about life like I do, so in that way, he'll probably coast along and be ok. We live in hope.

Lee

[HelpForMum]

Please read up on Selective Mutism. I think your son may be suffering from this terrible condition. I took my son to counselling/psychologist, whatever you may call it. It was a waste. He would not say a word. In the end, I stopped taking him. It was stressing him out even more as there was so much expectation on his part. He totally shut down. At school, he is forever judged by fellow students who cannot understand why he is like that. There is not enough awareness so teachers assume he is just very shy. I have tried to explain his condition to the school but have received mixed reactions. That is very disheartening and makes me very angry. They are happy to deal with disruptive students but It feels as though it is too difficult to deal with my son's problem. I feel let down by the school who say they employ a wellbeing team to deal with students having personal problems. He more or less becomes invisible to them in the classroom. I am always sad for him.

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Hi, I did Google it. Of course, Raj in Big Bang theory etc. Bad example, but I realised I've heard about it, just never had a name. There is lots of information available, it seems to be a well documented illness. I can't understand why a qualified counsellor, as you would expect to be on a 'wellbeing team', cannot provide SOMETHING for your son. Unbelievable!

I can feel how distressing it is for you, and your son. I feel sad that you have been dealing with this for so long. The school should have worked something out by now. Really, it is a breach of their duty of care. It is just too easy for them to brush him off into the too hard basket. The'team' putting all of their efforts & resources into the loud mouthed bullies, with typical teenage problems, who will inevitably grow out of it with or without intervention -The ones who are giving your son a hard time. Meanwhile your son (and your family) are left languishing with no support for a diagnosed mental illness. I am bashing my head on the wall for you.

Though my son is painfully shy & avoids talking, he does 'whisper' if he has to. He has a broad knowledge base, and will share things in the class if it is something he definitely knows. Otherwise he's a mouse. Every year in his report, his teachers make a point of saying phrases like 'he his coming out of his shell'. Trouble is, his reports have been like this since Grade 1. So I think he just keeps his head down and does the bare minimum. He is probably quite an expert now. He is 'happy' being invisible. He gets by.

It is still worrying that he is not happy. In his bubble. It is even hard to tell if he is sad. I'm worried that he's depressed. Of course he won't talk about it. I'd love to have a deep & meaningful with him. Girls seem to find this easy.

I can understand how a psych visit would be counter-productive for your son. Would online/phone counseling be possible? There are courses available. Does he open up to you? I wonder if they get frustrated, or are happy' or content if they don't have to interact with others. Or does it get them down, sad like us.

An apprenticeship is a good option. My son thinks about uni. Half-heartedly. Plus his marks aren't good. Anyway, I fear he'd be like a drowning fish, in deep, deep water. OMG. Going from our little 100 student school to THAT. There's only 10 kids in Year 11! Actually, that is probably why he copes..most of them went to playgroup together. Sooo insulated here. Enabling? Problem?!

Lee xoo