Worst year of my life :(

[But_why_]

Hello, first of all I'm Anthony and 23.

I have been at the hands of a lot of abuse inflicted on me. Last year I had my partner (a male) ask for 3 seperate car loans for a new car through me from my mum. We're both too caring and gave in although nothing was ever paid back. Also in 2014 I had my hand broken by my partner, and since it has been operated on and isn't healing but is mangled which doesn't help my depression... From the start of the relationship there was a lot of affairs inflicted on me, ten different ones by my count. I never thought things would get as bad as they have in 2015.

i moved into my own place end of 2014. I was majorly harassed with emotional blackmail (yelling in the unit/on the street, crying) at the end of 2014 for a third car loan to be arranged by my mum (who would do almost anything for me). Obviously I was not comfortable doing this but was really coerced "I'm going to lose the car soon!" So after this, he left me for a road trip with friends and we didn't see each other for months. Then when he moved in things took a turn for the worst.

despite everyone on here who copes with a mentally ill partner saying "hang in there!" I was the one on the lease and as such am responsible for any guests I may have, whom he was one. As a result, I can't tolerate doors banging and yelling and have to ask him to leave. When I would, all hell would break loose - my sliding glass door was smashed in, and a my possessions were broken or ruined. Eventually my neighbours made complaints, and as such I've had to move to a secure complex apartment...

since then my partner was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, as I refused to tolerate anymore abuse and made him seek help. I've lost a part of me I can never retrieve though. I'm a victim of child sexual abuse and have PTSD but this experience has seriously heightened my trust issues. I believe I'll never be able to trust fully again. I also hate myself for being caring, something that is paramount to who I'm as a person. I feel bad for giving up, but I have to look out for myself.

its really amazing and distressing how much one person can take from your soul. I hope I get back to my normal self, and I do hope he gets better. I just can't waste my precious time on this planet without that hope.

[Jacko777]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums Anthony.

I'm sorry to hear about the serious challenges you have been through over the years mate. I hope you are getting professional support and advice to stay on top of your mental health, with so many things that have happened it is a web that can be untangled. I think you CAN get back to your normal self, your soul can always be recharged by having love in your heart and finding peace and happiness.

Building on your ability to trust will be important I think, I had trust issues in the past and I saw how it can spread through all parts of my life, I had to learn to trust again, for my self, so that I could be happier. In the end for me it's about how much energy I lose if I am let down, I can change and control this. I can't really control whether I will be let down, only how I react/respond to it. I don't want to have less life experiences just because one or two people let me down, I will learn and move on and still attempt to love and trust people until I find they are not trustworthy, and then I will control my response, reduce the emotion. 

You can have hope Anthony, every moment is a new opportunity for change and growth and we can improve our chances by practicing being positive, calm and hopeful. Talk any time mate.

Jack

[Embracing_Tiger]

Hi Anthony. 

I'm just going to be frank: you've been dealt a pretty bad hand of cards. From your story, you've described some experiences that no one should experience, and I sincerely hope things get better for you. I think that you've been courageous by sharing and reaching out here. You are very welcome here. 

I'm not sure what you've seen written in these forums about relationships with people with mental illness, but I don't think they meant to stay in the relationship at serious risk (emotionally, financial or physical) to yourself. Choosing to prioritise your wellbeing over his situation is not something to feel guilty about. Like they say on safety demonstrations on planes, put on your own oxygen mask on first before helping others. I'm glad that you want to put a stop to the abuse. Your wellbeing is important too. 

I can't begin to imagine what it's like for you, but there is support. The community on these forums is here, though you may find further support in organisations like Adults Surviving Child Abuse, or, Another Closet (LGBTIQ domestic and family violence).

I, too, hope that this year is better for you. You've already taken some steps to make things better for you. It's a great start.

ET