Worried sick about my partner

[LeighS]

My partner of 9 years has suffered from depression for over 12 months. As a health care professional who provides counseling to others experiencing the same illness, he has self diagnosed himself as having Melancholy.

Every so often he has flare ups where he'll burst into tears and won't be able to verbalise what is upsetting him. When I have raised his depression as something concerning me, on several occassions he has mentioned

suicide and then shrugged it off as a joke when I have become distressed by his comments. Today he had another episode, in which he said he didn't think things would ever improve and wondered aloud whether it was worth the effort (it meaning living).

Despite all of this he refuses to see a professional, saying he knows what they will say and that it will be a waste of time.

We have genuine stressors (financial issues, multiple jobs, recently moving house) and some of these will continue to cause stress into the future.

I' ve previously suffered from anxiety/depression but have not been suicidal. I'm genuinely worried about my partner but do know what to do or say without making things worse. I'm having trouble sleeping and my imagination is running wild with worst case scenarios. How do I help him?

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[Zeal]

Hi Leigh S,

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's Melancholia. It's great you are taking the initiative to seek help about this. It's likely that he is putting his own mental health issues aside in order to focus on his work counselling. This is a problem for his own health and wellbeing, as you know. In my opinion, he may feel hesitant to see a counsellor or psychologist himself because that is what he does for a living. He may feel that he can help himself, as he helps so many others. The issue with this is that often we need someone else's perspective, someone who isn't personally involved with the problem.

I know of people who see others in their own profession for help. A family friend who is a GP sees another GP for check ups; the lady who gives me therapeutic massages gets massages from a professional nearby, and sometimes sees a chiropractor. I am studying psychology at university and want to be a clinical psychologist, and it's possible that I will need to see a psychologist myself in the future due to my mild OCD. Try explaining to your husband that it's completely normal for people to seek help from others in their profession. You could show him this post, if you don't think it will make him frustrated or angry.

As your partner said, he probably will know many things a counsellor will say to him. Despite this, self-help is so much harder than help from others in this situation. Listening to your own advice is pretty difficult when you have depression, which affects your judgement. You could ask your partner about seeing a counsellor who he doesn't know professionally. This way, it won't be as awkward for him. As counselling and psychology sessions are confidential (as your partner will know very well), there is no risk to his career.

Try sitting him down when both of you are in a calm state of mind, and again explain why it's important he seek help.

Good luck with this.

Best wishes,

SM